Once we sort of decided to surrender to life without kids, I asked them to pray the Serenity Prayer for me and I'm really thankful for them. However, back then none of us knew how deep the impact of the infertility battles that I had shared with them would leave. Anyway, time passed by and another one of us started TTC. Unfortunately she experienced a miscarriage and because I had sort of "silenced" them through my experience to say nothing more than those words above, my friend got quite angry at the lack of support at that time. She told me afterwards that she felt robbed of the sympathy.
And because of the many things I'd shared about my IF journey, she didn't want to share too much about her TTC journey 'coz she didn't want any comparison to happen. Another single friend didn't want to comment on my IF journey because she said that she didn't want to dwell on the fact that she may have been sort of "an infertile" in a way (because she has started thinking of life without a hubby and kids). I understand what they mean, but I sort of feel sad in a way because my experiences have such impacts on our friendship - the kind of impacts that none of us could have predicted.
For my friend who's experienced a miscarriage, I feel sorry that my experience made her feel that way. Sad that she felt that if she shared her TTC journey, there could be some comparison with mine. But anyway, all of this only makes this thought more profound: that I'm so VERY lucky to have my IF blogger friends, because all of you (even those who probably don't visit this blog of mine) have really helped me go through the darkest moments of my life like a shining beacon, showing me the way gently, making me feel not alone, making me feel validated. And for that I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart...
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I know you feel a bit responsible, but you really shouldn't. The truth is that when you have a miscarriage (or ectopic), you often find that you don't get the sympathy you think you deserve. I doubt that your experiences would have done anything other than made your other friends think about what they should say. But the truth is that people don't know how to deal with loss or grief or infertility, and so very often they just don't deal at all. It may be well intentioned - fear of saying the wrong thing - but many of us have experienced that deafening silence. (My own older sister - who had experienced miscarriage herself - never once said to me over my ectopics that she was sorry.)
ReplyDeleteLike you, I have had wonderful on-line friends (now friends in real life, many of them) who supported me through this. The support and love is real. I'm glad you've experienced it too.
Mali, THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your perspective. I've been thinking about it and I was also wondering if things would have been different if I hadn't been an infertile.
DeleteBut the thing is, if that's what she feels (that my IF has somewhat robbed her of the sympathy) and if she's still hurting due to the "injustice of it all", I don't want to "debate" about it with her (I feel that I'm the least appropriate person to talk about this with her).
I just hope in time she'll be able to see things more clearly. I feel that I've done all I can to be sensitive to her and not to "compare" my pain with her pain, if that's the kind of comparison that she was afraid of happening.
And yeah, THANK GOD for wonderful online friends like yourself. I wouldn't have been able to go through IF on my own. :-)
Amen to that... I admit sometimes I do wonder what's the point to living, especially with many of IFs going through it with their spouses/partners (support), and me without one- I think if not for y'all, I might have thrown in the towel pretty earlier. Can't lie about that.
ReplyDeleteJulie, you're a precious being who are important to many people who know you and love you. :-) I'm glad that your IF blogger friends have helped you push through this crazy journey. :-) Your voice is important and I've learnt many things from your posts. :-)
DeleteYou know, I have reached out to a few other people IRL who have been through infertility & loss -- and been rebuffed. The first time or two it happened to me (closer to my own losses), I was extremely hurt. I was grateful for the few people (mostly older women) who reached out to me with stories of their own losses -- I felt I could help them and that we could be a support to each other. I had to learn that everyone handles these things differently and to (try) not take it personally. (I do sometimes feel like they look at me, winding up without any children at all, & want to distance themselves & their experience from me: "I'm not like that, it's going to be different for me." :p ) These days, I will still put out the offer ("If you ever want to talk...") & leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteLoribeth, THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your experiences. Yeah, I also feel that this friend doesn't want to "end up like me" (esp. 'coz she feels that I was obsessed with TTC at that time when we were still trying - she said so herself, so I'm not guessing what she was feeling about this aspect of our TTC history). Still I was (and maybe still am) a tad mellow that my own experiences don't help us become closer to each other in this area, but this is another lesson of letting go, I assume. :-)
DeleteEspecially after reading your experiences in reaching out to other women...it's really complicated, eh?
Wise words about not taking it personally and still offering to be all ears when they want to share. :-) Well, she knows I'll be all ears if she wants to share, but she's stated that she doesn't prefer to share much, so there's nothing more I can do about it.