Friday, November 29, 2013

Who In Fiction Are You?

HEHEHEHEHEHEHHHH...funny stuff. After writing my previous blog post, I found this funny test through a friend's FB and I tried it and I got this result (confirming what I had just realized about myself):

You are Jane Eyre:

To understand you is to love you. As a deep thinking, passionate yet quiet soul you may be more comfortable expressing your ideas, and ideals, through the written word rather than verbally. Lost in dreams, you may appear distant and undemonstrative to some, but when people get to know you, they discover a warm and kind friend.

Jane describes herself as "poor, obscure, plain and little" and you may be your own harshest critic. Despite your quiet nature, and discomfort with conflict, you will find your voice, and stand up for causes you feel passionate about.

Why don't you try it as well and let me know your result? :-D I don't know if you have to log on into your FB account first or not, though. Here's the link:

Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Introvert In Me

Infertility, PMS, and friendship. Not a good combo, eh? Surely not. Especially when one of the friends is pregnant. Especially if the introvert in the group hasn't realized the important difference between herself and the rest of the group. It took several emails back and forth as well as a few days of pondering what went wrong before I finally felt a huge weight lifted off of me.

To cut the story short, my main problem (blown up by PMS) has been the fact that I'm the only one in my group of closest friends who relies on writing as the best/most fave kind of communication. Not writing SMS or short texts like in Twitter, mind you...but writing emails and blog posts. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE writing in details about what I've been through and what I've been thinking about and I love finding out why I feel a certain way and in return I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading in details about other people's lives. 

In the past, I noticed that I had a high expectation on this type of communication and when I found out that my friends couldn't cope with it, I tried to lower my expectations and I tried my best to shorten my emails (and leave the details to my blog posts). However, despite my best efforts, I still had too high an expectation it seems. My PMS brought it forth this time because one of us is pregnant and I FELT that she had received more responses (yep, jealousy attack being blown up by PMS!).

After pondering on what the problem was, though, I realized that it was foolish of me to expect that people whose main form of communication wasn't writing to respond to me the way that I had tried to respond to them. It's like asking them to keep on watching horror movies with me and comment on those horror movies. As much as they love me and as much as they want to meet me halfway, the best thing I can expect from them is to watch a few of those movies and comment on a few of them, but I can't expect them to do more than that. Why? Because if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't be able to do the same. 

Most of them prefer live chats or face-to-face interaction or phone calls. And I have been blindly thinking that because we all live in different cities and countries, emailing is the most preferable method of communication. How wrong I was! Lately they have preferred talking in WhatsApp or live chats because their lives are much busier than I am and I'm the one who can't cope with WhatsApp chats because they exhaust me so much (because I'm more of a detailed person and when- due to time difference - I'm left with hundreds of live chat messages, I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do because I tend to want to reply to every single one of them - or at least the important ones and it takes a LONG time to read through all the messages and figure out which ones need replying). This is why I prefer emailing, but for them, emailing takes more time and effort to reply, whereas during live chat when some of them are online at the same time, they can get responses ASAP. 

Anyway, the second problem was infertility thrown in the mixture of all that. In my PMS-loaded brain which was already full of confusion because of my own expectation, I thought of the not-so-distant future when my pregnant friend's baby would be born and how there would be so many more bonding moments between the mothers in our group and this freaked me out because I could just imagine how many times in the future would I be reminded of my own losses (the birth story, the baby room, the first smile, the first word, etc.) when many of them would naturally be ooh-aahing all the lovely moments and sharing their own kids' moments. I know, I know, my overworked PMS-loaded brain couldn't stop thinking way too far ahead!

So all those feelings made me reach out to them, asking if it was too much to ask if I asked for a little bit more response (honestly, I felt like a cranky little child begging for attention when I wrote the email), but in the end the emails between us back and forth made me realize that the only possible way to sort this mess is for me to step back and let go of my expectation (all of it, not just a part of it). I need to remember that for them, emailing is tough to follow and that they've given all they can. I know that they'll be there for me when the going gets tough (they've always been there), but it's unhealthy for me to expect them to respond the way I have responded to them. You see, for years I've always tried to respond to as many little details of their emails as possible and I've just realized that they don't even expect me to do so!!! Talk about a shocking moment for me! In my mind, I was respecting their time in their busy lives by responding to as many points in their emails as possible, but it wasn't even necessary! Yep, major doh moment!

For all it's worth, though, I'm just glad that I've sorted through all the mess. Phew! Now I just hope that I haven't damaged this friendship too much by making them worried about what to write (esp. when it's about their kids), because I DO want to know about their kids, though I have told them that I can't deny that on bad days (PMS days), the stories remind me of my own losses, but on good days, I'm very happy to read about their kids. But anyway, after the stormy mess, here's what I feel now: 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Random Thoughts and Quotes

Yesterday another coworker asked me if we had children and I said no. It was very refreshing because she didn't ask me anything else. Ha! :-D She just accepted my answer he he he he he...I bask in the glory of moments like this! :-D

Anyway, here is a quote I found in Facebook (I'd love to link to the original poster, but it's hard to find the original sources through FB pages), but anyway I thought this one was really appropriate. :-)

On another note, though, my inner b**ch is out and kicking (PMS time), so I've been trying to listen to some soothing music and soon I'll be watching all the TV series I've taped that I couldn't watch last week because I've been so busy at work (three coworkers got sick in a row last week so their shifts were shared with the others).

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Sunshine Award + Bristling Inside

This is the long overdue post that I was planning to write, but I've been so busy lately and I've been under the weather that I just haven't had the strength to focus on it. Viruses have been spreading in this village and three coworkers have been getting sick one at a time, which meant that the rest of us were working full steam. Working full steam is OK when you're 100% healthy, but when you have some health problems yourself, it can be really challenging, but I've survived so far. Phew!

Anyway, first of all I want to say THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU for Wolfers who's shared this award with me. :-D

*A Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day.  The rules are:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award.
5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.

OK, now let me answer Wolfers' questions he he...

1.  Chocolate or Vanilla? 
Chocolate, but I love the combination of both, as well. :-D

2.  What is one thing you would rid of,  from the world?


3. What is in your bucket list for the next year?

Ummm...going back to Indo, going on a winter holiday vacation, and meeting some ladies from the Gateway Women community (it doesn't have to be next year, though, but I do plan to meet them somewhere - either in the UK or wherever). 

4. Where do you feel the most comfortable (outside of your home)? 

When I'm surrounded by nature and nobody else is with me...sometimes it means in our own back yard ha ha...

5.  Movies, originated from books (i.e. The Help), or books, originated from movies (i.e. Cowboys and Aliens)?

I think I prefer movies originated from books. For fantasy or sci-fi especially, I like watching the movies compared to reading the books. 

6. If you could live anywhere (no limits), where would that be?

I enjoy living here to be honest and for the moment I can't think of anywhere else I'd like to live.

7.  If you win the lottery ($64 millions), what would be the three first items you would acquire, (or get done)?

Pay off our debts (like our house loan), send plane tickets for my Indo family to come and visit ASAP hi hi...and tithe 10%. The fourth one will be to find out ways to invest a big chunk of the money and the fifth is to travellllllll to Japan without worrying about the cost (I have several friends living in 3 different places there that I'd like to visit)!!!! :-D 

8. What is one of your rants, that put you on the soapbox? 

Hmmm...this is tough...if I've thought about it, I've ranted a few times in FB as well as in my other blog about how nosy Indo people are and that each of us should think first before we speak. In Indo it's common to hear people say "When are you gonna get married? When are you gonna have a child? When are you gonna give your firstborn a sibling? You've got two boys (or girls), don't you want another one of a different gender? Oh, you've gained weight!" Major doh!!!

9. If you had one chance to a time machine that can only go ten years ago (2003), what would you do?

Probably I just wanna take a look at myself and my family...especially my dad 'coz he's no longer with us. :-D I'll probably be surprised at how young he looked! :-D

10. Done any jokes lately? Spill! 

Not really, but my tongue slipped the other day when I was trying to tell someone how much he had to pay for his grocery. I tried again and failed again and he was laughing so much...he probably thought it was so funny HI HI HI HI HI...and his facial expression and laughter were so contagious that I couldn't help laughing along (he was still laughing while walking away from me) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

*Of course, it's all optional.  The main rule is no guilt!  We all have some intense things going on, so I'll understand if you don't have time right now, or if you pick just a few favorite questions to answer.  If you do participate, please post a comment that links to your answers and nominees, so that others can go check them out.  

OK, it's not that I don't want to share my award with anyone, but those people have been awarded by Wolfers he he he I'm not gonna do it because if I do so, then they have to answer more questions HA HA HA HA HA HA...

Anyway, let me continue the "bristling inside" topic. You see, the other day my close friend who's entering her third trimester wrote a question in FB about corporal punishment and how other parents thought about that. Many people chimed in to discuss the matter and I was bristling inside. This was what I probably looked like if I had been a cat:

Image source: here

Anyway, I jolted when I realized what I felt and I dug deep to find the reason. The reason was that her post took me back to the past, when we started TTC (or even a little bit before then - I was notorious for planning way ahead of time), when I asked my blogger friends who were parents on the tough aspects of parenting because I thought I could get more glimpses of what parenting was like from them - to help me prepare myself mentally for the time when I'd become a mother. I was bristling inside because I was reminded of how naive I was back then. I felt silly for having asked such things even before I could get pregnant. I felt silly for believing that pregnancy could happen so soon (or so easily). I was also reminded of my losses again - that as much as I wanted to participate in the conversation, I can't do it because we don't have children and we won't have any.

But you know what? What's done is done and I'm gonna embrace the naive me today and tell her that it's okay. That I'm okay. That being naive is normal and that I couldn't have known any better because I couldn't have predicted the future. That my losses have enabled me to meet so many wonderful ladies out there that I wouldn't have met otherwise and that they've inspired me and touched my life in so many ways. That my losses have enabled me to learn to love myself in ways that I couldn't have possibly done otherwise. So, despite all the losses I've experienced, I've also gained so much more...and for that, I'm thankful. :-)

Monday, November 11, 2013

Finnish Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day in Finland. Many stores and supermarkets were closed, except for restaurants that offered Father's Day buffets and flower shops. We spent the day at MIL's because I had to work on Saturday. Just the usual: MIL cooked some food and then we played cards. 

When we got back home, I checked my FB account and then I felt mellow because there were a dozen Father's Day greetings and cards in my news feed. Funny thing was that compared to Mother's Day (the Finnish Mother's Day that is), I felt more mellow this time. I think even with the barrage of USA and Finnish Mother's Day greetings and wall posts (the amount was at least 5 times more than those on Father's Day that I found in my news feed), I survived better on both Mother's Days.

Why? I think one reason was because I had prepared myself mentally for both Mother's Days, so I didn't really click and read through all the Mother's Day's greetings and wall posts and I had put on my "complete mental armor" to protect myself against Mother's Day. Plus I still have a mother and a MIL, so I can still do something for them on Mother's Day. That means that despite my sadness of being a non-mom, I can still make someone else happy and in turn it makes me happy (so my sadness is counterbalanced by this).

I think I didn't expect that Father's Day would affect me because I thought it didn't really relate to me, so I didn't put on my mental armor when I checked my FB account. Other than those greetings and wall posts/cards in FB, a friend posted this on her news feed: "So this is the 30th Father's Day I've spent without my dad." And several people commented that it was their XXth Father's Day without their fathers.

I've lost both my father and my FIL and my husband is never going to be a father, so I felt that yesterday I felt a bit hollow and mellow when I was reminded of these things. I had to grieve over those three losses when I read those greetings and especially after I read that friend's news feed. I think what made it hard was also the fact that I couldn't even do anything for my father or FIL anymore. Mind you, I was tempted to buy a gift for hubby and give it to him yesterday, but I don't want to remind him of this loss. Plus it feels inappropriate to say "Happy Father's Day, hubby. I knew you'd make a great father if only you had a chance to be one. Here's a gift for you." I think instead of doing that, I'd rather just give him random gifts on random occasions.

Today my mood is essentially much better, especially after a good day at work. But those moments still managed to surprise me with their unexpectedness. They're like sneaky shadows whose existence is hidden from me on regular days, but every now and then they show themselves and remind me that just because I can't see them doesn't mean that they're not there. But that doesn't matter. What matters most is finding out where and why it hurts and then hugging it till it gets better and giving myself time and permission to take care of myself with lots and lots of TLC.