Monday, February 25, 2013

Three August Babies

Yep, three babies are coming to the world this August. I've known about two of them for a while already, but I just found out about the third one. A cousin's wife is gonna have their second child in August as well. I felt a pang in my heart when I got my Mom's SMS. The phrase that echoed in my heart told me that I felt "left behind"

I was wondering what made me feel "left behind", so I went soul searching to find out what it was all about. For some weird reason, the first thing that came up was my Mom's status as a grandmother. Why? Because my cousin's mother (my aunt) has three kids and she's got 6 grandchildren already. This upcoming baby will be her seventh grandchild. I couldn't help comparing my Mom and this aunt (it wasn't a conscious effort on my part - the thoughts just came tumbling down as soon as I received the news), because my Mom will probably only get two grandchildren in her lifetime (and I'm RELIEVED that she's actually gonna get more than one because at one point in time, my bro told me that he didn't want more than one child). Sadness swept across my heart.

I didn't feel any guilt, though but after that, I couldn't help thinking about hubby's loss, either. Out of the blue I had this image of a small child playing with hubby and it took me by surprise. I had to let the image go, along with hubby's loss, along with my Mom's loss. The sadness wasn't overwhelming, but I felt it nonetheless and I felt compelled to grieve again.

So I think I felt more "left behind" (read: sad) in terms of not being able to give joy (or share joyful news) to those around me (AKA my Mom and hubby), whereas other people (in this case SIL and my cousin) were able to share the joyful news twice already. Another reason is probably 'coz the third baby coming is a surprise baby and that baby's gonna make my friend a grandmother at a rather young age (to be a grandmother, I mean). And it just hit me that I'd never be able to become a grandmother. In the past I never really thought this far ahead 'coz most of my friends my age aren't of the age when they can become grandparents yet. Another thing to let go of...

Last night I visualised splitting myself up in two: the sad me and the me-as-my-own-best-friend. The me-as-my-own-best-friend held on to the sad me in a tight and warm embrace, saying over and over again, "It'll be OK. Everything's gonna be OK. We're gonna be OK." The grieving process didn't take too long this time. 

This infertility journey is really an enigma. You'll never know when a certain story or a patch of news will evoke surprising thoughts/emotions within you. There are so many levels and layers of grief that you need to work through, so many things to let go of. I felt rather frustrated at first when I felt what I felt because at first it made no sense, but now that I know what I had to let go of, I'm much calmer and I'm just gonna embrace every single part of the journey.

P.S. Infertility reminds me of the keloid on my right elbow. I had a small operation done to remove a very stubborn and deeply-rooted wart that wouldn't go away (I know, yuck!) decades ago. Once the stitches were removed (there were only 3), I was hoping that there would be no scars, but alas...not long after that, the skin got ugly and bumpy. My doctor friend told me it was called keloid. 

These days the scars aren't as clear as before, but whenever it's bumped a certain way accidentally, I can feel it in my nerves and depending on how hard I bump it, it can be either very unpleasant or even painful (not painful like you're being hit on the gut, but the nerves are very tender there). And I guess that's what infertility does. My wounds are healed, not bleeding anymore...but there are scars left (keloid) that sometimes still feel unpleasant or even painful on days when they "bump" into things.  


  1. Great analogy -- and I'm glad you have found your inner best friend to help you. : )

    Guilt over the fact that my parents will never be grandparents (of a living grandchild, anyway) has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with during this journey. I too am seeing many of my friends & cousins starting to become grandparents themselves and (aside from the realization that we are getting older...!) it can sometime be a difficult thing to hear about.

    1. Hi, Loribeth, THANKS for visiting and commenting. :-)

      Yeah, I suppose there'll always be tough "bumps" throughout the journey that we can't predict. Some of them will be tougher to handle than others for some reasons. And you're right about the guilt. It's not easy to get rid of that esp. after you had had the desire to give them that kind of joy.

  2. You're spot on with your analogy. Yes, sometimes, when you least expect it, and when you think you're doing okay, you have an "ouch" moment. Sorry you've had one of these, but love the idea of your inner best friend too.

    1. It's just a matter of time, I suppose. If not sooner than later - to experience the bumps in the road. I'm glad I've read/heard about these bumps from those who've gone through the journey ahead of me, so I'm not shocked about it. :-)

  3. Amel- To be honest, it never had entered my mind that my mom would become a grandmother if I had a child (I had a terrible childhood, so I couldn't want her around kids if I had them)- until last Christmas, when I got gifts from her, including a gift for my dogs..and on the tag, she put "Grandma." I had mixed feelings about that- overanalyzing why she said that, or was that a message to me or what, what, what..yeah that. Sometimes I think that's why she is very close to my cousin's kids.

    I know what you mean about "ouch" moments, when one feels everything is going good, there's a bump on the road. *ouch*

    Great idea about the inner best friend!!! :D

    1. Julie, I wouldn't also have mixed feelings if I had received that kind of gift from my Mom.

      Yeah, for some reason now I can visualise this road sign for infertiles: "BUMPY ROAD AHEAD! Proceed with forgiveness, grace, and acceptance!" LOL!


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