Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Answering Grief Questions + Embracing Inner Child

Lisa Manterfield asked very good questions on grief/loss in her blog that made me think hard. Here are my answers:

1. My grief has subdued over time. Lots of writing and grief work, getting support from people who get it, lots of letting go. My wounds have stopped bleeding for a while, though the scars are there, but I no longer operate on a daily basis with one eye on the bumpy scars. I’ve found more peace as time goes by and more purposes of the pain I’ve felt. I now firmly believe that my pain is not for nothing. 

2. My loss has helped me become kinder to myself. It has also helped me feel more connected to other people in general, because at the end of the day each of us has different struggles. My loss has also made me more aware of the possibility of other people’s silent struggles and losses (esp. those that people in general misunderstand).

3. My grief creeps up when I haven’t come to terms with a particular loss or when I haven’t grieved that particular loss at all or enough. It also creeps up when there’s something I know I’m missing in this childless life that I haven’t found ways to get around yet and then BAM I see the missing thing being shown so clearly in the lives of those people who have children. Example: some photos of a baby being mesmerized by his/her own foot/finger (the first time the baby realizes the existence of said foot/finger). That kind of thing may get to me because it’s difficult to replicate in my own life. It’s easier for me to embrace my inner child (without having my own child) and try to find joys in the smallest things by doing other stuff like making a snowman, for example.

Ever since we chose to walk along the childless-not-by-choice road, I've begun to feel even more acutely of the things that we miss by not having children and by not spending time with children, particularly the part where small children sees things with fresh eyes. How little things amaze them and in turn amuse the parents and remind them of the smallest joys in life.

I've tried my best in embracing my inner child over the past few years and also find joy in the smallest things. I've tried looking at my surroundings with fresh eyes (yes, even though I know it won't be the same) by taking photos from different angles and by really taking time to enjoy nature (stop and smell the roses kind of thing). 

Here is my latest attempt at creating a snowman. The weather was perfect and I had so much fun making it. :-D Mind you, all the snow has melted away by now (which is preferable compared to having icy surface everywhere), but I do hope I'll get more chances to make different kinds of snow creations later on. This one is my upside down, big-headed snowman.

The best of all that day was the fact that this cutiepie was watching me as I was making the body. No kidding! It was really curious and I couldn't help chuckling. I LOVE this place! 


  1. Oh, Amel! I am so excited to see a photo of you! And your snowman and the squirrel. (I come from a squirrel-less land, and love love love squirrels! And snowmen.)

    And I love your post. Stopping to smell the roses has made a big difference to my life. And I'm watching my mother at the moment, as she goes through cancer treatment and is dealing with Alzheimer's. But she still takes pleasure in the sun, or a nice cup of tea. And that is important.

    1. Good to know you enjoyed the photos. :-) Too bad all the snow's gone now, but as soon as I have another chance, I'll go make another snowman! :-D Understand your excitement about the squirrels. I had never seen them in my home country or hometown, either.

      I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My FIL suffered from Alzheimer's and it was heartbreaking to see him fade away mentally and physically. I'm glad your mom can still take pleasure in small things. You're right. The small things are the big things in life. If you can't enjoy the small things, then you're missing out on so many things in life. I hope your mom can live the rest of her life with lots of lovely memories and an abundance of little joys.

  2. Love your snowman, Amel, & so nice to see a photo of you! :) The squirrel watching you is cute too. However!! ;) @Mali: You would probably be less in love with squirrels if you had them running amok in your yard (& on your roof, & in your attic, & digging up your garden, & eating your tulip bulbs...). ;) They abound hereabouts. One of our neighbours must have an apple tree, because dh is constantly finding half-eaten, rotting apples strewn around our yard, attracting wasps. I pulled up the shade on our bedroom window one morning & there was an apple with a big chunk eaten out of it, sitting on the windowsill. (Our bedroom is on the second floor.) Dh had to use a rake to pull it down. Yuck!

    But -- I digress. ;) Excellent points, & I'm glad you used turned your comments on Lisa's post into a post of your own. I need to do that more often. ;)

    1. Oh yeah, you're right about those squirrels and fruit trees. I've talked to some women who have big problems with squirrels eating up their fruits in the yard. Fortunately over here because it's so cold, nobody has a fruit tree, so I just love watching them eat from bird feeders. We do have wasps here, but only in summer and summer is very short here, so I don't think wasp is a big problem.

      He he he he...well, I was thinking I hadn't been writing in my blog for a while and I thought I had written quite a long text in Lisa's blog, so I'd just copy and paste it here, too he he he...Glad you enjoyed the photos!

  3. Ditto how great it is to catch a glimpse of you. Just spent two weeks with another blogger -- in person. It brings us all closer when we can not only hear each other but see each other. Thanks for the closer look both at you and your big heart...

    1. Thanks, Pamela. Maybe someday we'll get to meet in person as well. :-) I'm sure glad to have found you in the blogosphere.


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