Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Hole in My Heart

My period started yesterday, so I had nothing else to wait. Today I sent the job application letter that I had been postponing. How did I feel yesterday? A tad sad and disappointed, but the sadness didn't really sting. However, it did remind me of the hole I have in my heart.

While driving back from my in-laws' place, the sun was shining through the trees from the side and I asked God, "Is this Your way of letting me know that You're warming up that hole in my heart? If then, let me bask in the glory of Your warmth..."

Today while browsing through Facebook, I did feel those twinges of "loss" again while looking at my friends' babies' pictures. How fortunate of them to have been able to have SO many precious moments with those little angels! I guess it's pretty normal to feel the loss over and over and over again.

I think one frustrating aspect of IF is that when you feel the loss, you're grieving and it feels as if you were an ungrateful person 'coz after all, there have been SO many other blessings in life. However, those blessings don't cover the hole in the heart, does it? A loss is a loss is a loss no matter what. You've gotta give yourself time to grieve.

The longer I live, the more I feel that some wounds can't be fully/totally healed. They're going to haunt you forever. Granted, it gets easier as time goes by and with God's help, you'll learn and master the art of serenity and grace, but that doesn't mean the shadows won't still be there, surprising you with their presence every once in a blue moon.

Yesterday it crossed my mind that perhaps it would have been "nice" if I could just sterilize myself and "get over with it". No more mind games. No more unexpected rides on the roller-coaster IF. But then again I realize that I still haven't totally given up yet. Not yet. I guess only time will let me give up on my own as I grow too old to have our own kids.

Well, the good news is that my logic's still going strong. Yesterday I felt a relief knowing that we can still make plans to go visit my parents in Indo next year. Had I gotten pregnant this month, that meant I wouldn't have been able to go back to Indo next year.

But still...I'm going to let myself mourn over the loss of the moments-that-could-have-been-ours: the first tooth, the first step, the first word, and the list goes on...I miss you, my imaginary babies...


  1. I set up a vacation for next year too. It was a "If I don't have a baby by then" vacation". I'm sure visiting your parents will be awesome.

    Today I saw a shooting star...I knew it was God telling me, "I love you. Here is something amazing just for you." I love Him...but sometimes I wish I could "trust His timing" like people keep telling me.

  2. @Phoebe: CHEERS for our future vacations then - whether they're going to happen or not. :-D

    Yeah, trusting God's timing is definitely NOT easy. However, I don't know why - but I've had this extreme idea that maybe God doesn't want us to be parents at all. How do I feel about that? Well, it'd have been better to have reached that point already instead of hanging in limbo. But then again, we can't get everything we want, can we? Let's just hope that through this IF journey, no matter WHAT the ending result is, we become stronger or more patient (or whatever) human beings. :-)))

    Oh yeah, I've always remember this sentence said by my friend in times of trouble: "When you can't see His hands, trust His heart."


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