Friday, November 11, 2011

A Vivid Dream

The other morning I jolted awake after having such a vivid dream. In my dream, an ex school friend told me how she pitied me for not having kids and in my defense, I explained to her that my existence is meaningful even when I have no kids. Right now I don't remember anymore the details of what I told her, but when I woke up, I still remembered clearly all the things I spouted off to her he he he he...

At least at the end of the dream I got her to see my POV, so I woke up "satisfied" so to speak. Maybe this has everything to do with the fact that yesterday I posted "Infertile and Proud" link in my Facebook and I added a little note: "We're a complete family just the two of us. :-D"

Some people liked it and some commented on it. The first person who commented wrote: "Well, if you're happy just the two of you, then no need to add another person in the equation."

I replied to her: "Doesn't mean to say that we never did want to have kids, but not every situation lead to having babies at the end of the journey. That's that. Rather than focusing on what we don't have, better just focus on what we have and continue to nurture it so that it blooms more beautifully than ever."

When I was first thrown into IF world, I found fellow IFers and I found "a place to belong". However, now that we've both stopped active TTC and we're not actually thinking of a future with kids anymore, I feel (again) slightly out of place (gotta admit that there are many more IFers who are still actively TTC or trying to adopt or who've got kids already compared to those who live childless).

Some people would consider us "too young" and that there's still a chance for us to get an "oops" (funny that now IF it happens, it'll be an oops, eh?), but right now we've set the course too far away from Babyland that I don't even think that I want kids anymore. Maybe it's strange 'coz we've "only" been in this IF land for...3 years and counting? But that's what I feel.

Speaking of feeling out of place, it makes me think of the world in general. Even though we are all unique, we also don't want to be a square peg in a round hole. It seems that the world is asking me: "What exactly are you? Which category do you belong to?" Or maybe it's just I myself who's asking the question.

External voices and pressures are really disconcerting and loud. VERY LOUD. Other people's expectations...society's expectations...they can drown out my own inner voice, but inner voice can be as loud as well.

I'm taking time now to listen to my own inner voice. What is it telling me? I do belong in the eyes of those people who care about me, who accept me just the way I am. In God's eyes, I am perfect just the way I am. Funny, though, 'coz just as I'm writing these words, I find it hard to believe. This world has other ideas and expectations about me...even I myself have ideas and expectations about this chaotic battle between the world, myself, and my inner wonder I'm getting so confused.

I should strip off my labels and expectations and look at myself at this present moment and just say "I'm fine. I'm beautiful just the way I am. I'm precious in God's eyes. I shouldn't be anything just because others tell me so."

This may be just my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) phase, but right now I truly long for heaven - a place where we're stripped bare of our pain, no pressure, no expectation, no heated arguments, no name calling, no wars, no bullying...just pure love and peace.


  1. As you know, I think there is a branch of the IF blogging world where you fit in perfectly. Actually - the whole IF blogging world thing is an issue I've been thinking about, and a post I've half-written, but not sure I'm brave enough to publish! But I think maybe you're encouraging me.

  2. @Mali: I'd love to read the post you've half written if you ever finish and publish it he he he...sounds interesting! :-D

  3. It's crazy to me the comments that some people have. I'm glad you posted it ... being complete just the two of you! It's good to be in that place of acceptance in our lives. Good for you!!!

  4. yeah our identity is always a tricky one esp when dealing with IF. you are not alone! there are other couples who have a family of two i'm sure you know... but it never leaves you does it... i know how you feel about looking forward to heaven. i know i'm in a diff place at the mo but i totally get it. i love being here in this world but i also look forward to heaven. a place with no sorrow is going to be indescribably awesome. thank you for all your encouraging comments. i always love reading them on my blog.

  5. @CiCi: Yeah, I'm also glad I posted it in Facebook. Who knows how many people read it, even when they didn't comment on it he he...Spreading the awareness is already a good step, eh? :-D

    @Sas: Yep, tricky indeed and it's MY pleasure to comment on your blog. :-D


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