Thursday, August 30, 2012


I'm meeting some friends next week and I'm a bit worried actually. I'm having my PMS and I don't really know exactly when my period will start, so I hope that my hormones won't be too crazy during the D-day.

The thing that makes me a bit worried is the fact that one of the friends is currently preggy. She got married "rather late" and she was worried her eggs would be too old already, but to her surprise she got preggy in 6 months. However, when she tried to have a second one, she experienced several RPLs and she had actually thought that her family wouldn't grow any bigger. She's 41 y.o. and by the time this second baby is born, she'll be almost 42. 

My concern is my own focus shift and its subsequent effects. I've managed to shift the focus from the "hole" (or crushed dream) in our reality pretty well so far, but I haven't been around any friend who's pregnant either, so that must've helped. Some friends of mine are pregnant, but they're far far away from me, so I count that as a whole different thing, but with this particular friend I'll still be meeting her every now and then.

I don't really want to feel that crushing grief anymore. Grief in itself is OK, but grief followed by all the other stuff that makes me feel like I have hidden bombs in many different places inside me that are ready to crush me into little pieces...that's what worries me. It's TOUGH WORK to collect all the tiny pieces of myself and start healing all over again...

But anyway, I'm trying to hold on to the mantra "Be kind to myself, be kind to myself, be kind to myself"...We shall see what happens then when the time comes. So I'm crossing my own fingers!!! May heaven help me!!!

Que sera sera...whatever will be, will be...

Update: I actually feel MUCH better now after writing this post here. :-D Giving a voice to your thoughts is really cathartic! :-D


  1. Yup, writing it all out really helps!!!! That's why my journals are so thicky for many and many years!
    I don't envy you...really I don't. I hadn't a chance- well, kinda.. dunno.. :::thinking:: doesn't make sense..
    Okay- what I meant is that a friend was ALREADY pregnant by 7 months when I found out I couldn't have children. So I wasn't angry or upset with her...although I admit I did feel envious of her but not as bad as I thought.. while it was friends who announced *AFTERWARDS of my finding out of surgery that'd remove my chances to children, and after surgery, that was when I found myself very emotional toward 'em.. Makes sense?
    So I hope you'd do good with hanging out with this friend; just keep in mind that we're all here for you. :)

    1. THANKS for your support!

      I do understand what you mean. Before we found out we were IFers, other's pregnancies gave us hope and made us daydream more about our possibility to have kids. Nowadays it all depends on the cases, my mood, and how much (or how closely) I have to/can "witness" the pregnancies, I suppose.

      One thing I'm glad about the meeting is that I'll be with other friends, not just the two of us. :-D The more the merrier! :-D

  2. When I had my second ectopic, one of the people I liked talking to most was a 7 month pregnant friend. I discovered it was all about attitude - she didn't expect special treatment because she was pregnant, she was kind, open and interested in me. Other women - who fawned over her in my present - were not so helpful. I'm hoping your friend will be more like mine. But even if she's not - the anticipation (of the meeting) is always worse than the actual reality!

    1. You're SO right about anticipating being worse. I just can't wait to just get on with it he he he...You see, I haven't congratulated her yet 'coz I heard the news from another friend (she herself hasn't told me about it, but has given the other friend permission to tell me about it).

      THANKS for sharing your story. You're right about attitude. :-) I'm very sure she's going to be kind, open, and interested in me, too. I'm just a bit worried about the "IF doomsday possibility" considering that I'm still PMSing (wishing that my period comes before the meeting!).

  3. hope your meeting-up with the friend goes well. it is tough even as time goes on. thinking of you.


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