A while back someone wrote me an email, saying something roughly like this, "Ummm...I don't know the details of your infertility history, but I recall that you've told me that you've moved on. However, I notice that you still share links about infertility and you still write infertility-related stuff in your wall posts in FB and that makes me worried that you haven't really moved on at all."
Cue the sound of me falling off my chair. Okay, not literally, but it seriously made me shocked on several levels. First of all, how dare she tell me whether I have moved on or not, especially since she doesn't know the details and doesn't bother to know the details! I couldn't help but think that she thought I was in denial or something!
Secondly, I felt cold all over a few seconds later because her email left me with this thought: "Is that what the general public think of when they see my infertility-related links in my FB? That I haven't really moved on?" What a staggering thought!
I then asked another individual about her opinion whenever she saw an infertility-related link that I shared in FB. Her response was different. She said, "Well, I know you enough to know that if you tell me X, you mean X. So if you've told me you've moved on, then I know you've moved on. Secondly, it's a huge part of your life, so it's only natural that you'll want to talk about it."
What a relief! But then again she knows my story and she knows the details. Even though she probably doesn't understand fully, yet she has followed my story, but what about the general public? It's not that I care that much about what other people think, but what is staggering for me is the possible misconception about moving on in general (specifically in a case of a childless-not-by-choice life).
Anyway, I explained to the person who emailed me that childless-not-by-choice was like losing a real person. The difference was that I didn't have any memories to hold on to. And if she thought that moving on meant that I had to stop talking about it completely, then she had it all wrong. After all, if you've lost a person dear to you, moving on after your beloved's death doesn't entail never talking about that person ever again, because you loved him/her and even though he/she is gone, you still love him/her.
Just wondering: has anyone of you ever encountered any conversation like this?
I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you had two colds and have been under the weather.
Not fun!!
As for your conversation question, yes....I had a person seem surprised that I was not "over it" like it was a pimple or a mood.
Infertility is something that overtook my mind and relationships hourly for years...learning to come to terms with IF (moving on), meant that it was, for me, not thinking every hour of every day about what I was doing wrong or what I should be doing now to try and have a baby. Learning to love and trust my body again. It doesn't mean that I don't still mourn that loss of a sweet dream...it is just quieter now.
I love your example of it being like someone who has departed. So very very true!!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I love your description of coming to terms with IF and how the grief is still there because you've learnt to love and trust your body again, but it's quieter. Yep, that's how it goes for me, too.
DeleteI've found that the longer we continue to be childless (going on 6 years now), the more surprised people are that I'm not "over it" and that I still talk about things related to infertility. Do I have peace about our place in life? Yes! Do I still struggle from time to time and need to process and talk about it? Yep. I think your friend has it 100% right...this is a HUGE part of your life, it's natural to still talk about it and share while also having peace about where you're at.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you've found peace about your place in your life. Yeah, I'm also glad that at least my other friend understands. She likens it to her occupation as a Math teacher. As a teacher, Math occupies a big part of her life, so it's natural for her to want to talk about it with people.
DeleteOy! Like you I almost fell out of my chair reading your post. Felt the kick in the gut by association. I think because I am so out there with all of my writing on this topic that people who know me have come to accept that this is one subject I will never stop discussing.
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling stronger and getting healthier by the minute. xo
Thanks, Pamela. The antibiotics helped me recover quickly. Now I need to make sure to get my good stomach bacterias back he he...
DeleteActually I think you're an exception, Pamela. I mean, you've written two books now. CONGRATULATIONS on your second book by the way! So it should be clear to the general public that you're a survivor and that you're doing it for the sake of helping other people and sharing awareness. I'm thankful that you're one of those people who will never stop discussing this subject, Pamela. :-)
Oh dear. This is the type of person who thinks that by "getting over it" means you'll forget. (See my last post on this!) Moving on means accepting life, but you're forever changed, and you want to raise awareness and increase understanding (for precisely the sort of person that made that comment to you). I'm really glad you said to them that "moving on" doesn't mean never talking about it. I wonder why they are so uncomfortable with you sharing information about infertility? I think that's the question I would ask them now.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, your second friend "gets it." She recognises that it is always going to be part of your life, and that it is natural to talk about it. I'm glad you have her.
Yeah, when I visited your blog after publishing this post, I felt that it was uncanny that you were talking about "getting over" it he he...I'm also glad that I have that other friend. :-)
DeleteI also told that first friend that if my infertility-related links/wall posts made her feel uncomfy, then she could just mute my posts. Actually your question is something that some other friends (who've heard this story) asked me as well: why is she so uncomfy with my posts? I have no idea if she has any specific personal reasons why, but I think the idea of pain is something that the general public can only take up to a certain point. If the pain keeps on bleeding out (or at least that's what the public sees), then it may feel uncomfy for the other party because it may be difficult to know what to say anymore to the person in pain.
I'm going to reply to you all here so that I won't repeat some things.
ReplyDeleteI think that the first friend likened getting over infertility = getting over a boyfriend or something like that.
I also added in my email to her that yes, in the beginning of my infertility journey, I did share infertility-related links because I wanted to understand my pain and if that also helped other people understand my struggle, then it was great. However, lately I didn't do it because of me, but because I wanted to help other people who were in the same boat (at least to let them feel that they weren't alone) and that if at the same time it helped raise awareness, then so be it.
P.S. To be fair, she then replied and said that she was actually glad she had the wrong idea, but I think I was disappointed in her choice of words. I mean, if she was really worried about me not moving on, she could have asked the question differently.
I don't think we ever "get over" things like infertility & loss. We just learn how to live with it, so that it becomes part of who we are. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, or that we aren't still interested in the subject, though-- far from it!!
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling better!
Yes, but what shocked me was the idea that my friend thought that by talking about that subject/sharing about that subject every now and then, it meant that I wasn't progressing at all = in denial about healing, though it's not true at all. The problem is her misconception about healing after infertility.
DeleteI'm feeling OK now, thanks. :-)
Thank for sharing such a wonderful post... its really interesting.
ReplyDelete