Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Guilt and Infertility #2

Last night I remembered another type of guilt that happened during my IF journey. You see, during the emotional chaos inside me, when envy, jealousy, self-pity, resentment, cynicism, anger (most of all towards God), guilt (for not being able to give joy to the parents and in-laws and hubby in terms of being preggy), frustration, sorrow, grief, pain raged on, another type of guilt came up. This guilt reared its ugly head exactly because I had felt all those emotions within me. I felt like the worst version of myself

I DID NOT want to feel envious and jealousy and self-pity and all those. Only after reading hundreds of blog posts echoing similar voices did I start to open myself up to the fact that I wasn't crazy and that it was probably useless to try to fight them all off (to keep them at a distance). And reading about those who had gone much further up on the healing stage than the start of the battlefield that I was in helped A LOT in giving me hope that it was just a phase that I had to go through.

*** Additional note: This type of guilt also came up because whenever jealousy/envy/self-pity appeared, it felt as though I wasn't being thankful for the things that I had. 

So my view shifted. I embraced those feelings and I started thinking that maybe, just being able to feel all those feelings would help me understand others who had felt similar emotions. And in the end if that meant that I could make only ONE other person feel "understood", then it was all worth it. And that if all of it brought me closer to God, then it was all worth it.

And just like what Mali said in the comment section, it is imperative to separate the guilt that feels like saying "I am bad" from "I do feel these things, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person JUST BECAUSE I'm feeling all these things. That only means I'm a human being that is capable of feeling these extreme emotions."

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