One thing I felt deeply about during my infertility journey was the search for purpose/meaning in my pain experience. What is the purpose of this pain experience? Can I find some meanings from all this chaos?
When someone is wallowing in grief, when someone's just experienced a tragedy, we will normally let the person grieve and wallow. Only after some time of wallowing and grieving, when the person can feel the wind on her cheeks and the sun on her body again, then it's good time to try to find some purpose/meaning in the tragedy (pain experience).
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One of the things that has helped me is finding the purposes/meanings of my pain experience. The buried and broken dream can become fertilizer for something else that way. Otherwise the buried and broken dream will stench and I'd end up focusing on the rottenness of the stench and that wouldn't propel me forward in my healing journey. Once I get a clearer sense of some of the purposes/meanings of my pain experience, I am more able to focus on the tiny buds growing from the ground that is being fertilized by that buried/broken part. It's true that every now and then I can still smell the stench, but over time the more meanings/purposes I find, the more seeds are growing from the ground and the easier it gets to focus more on the growing buds/trees/flowers.
No wonder many times over I've read how people overcome a tragedy by creating an organization to honor their loved ones' memories as well as help other people who may be experiencing a similar thing.
During my worst moment in my IF journey, I found a purpose to my pain despite the fact that I was really angry at that time (or maybe because I was angry, my pride wouldn't let me feel like all that pain and anger were for nothing). At that time I felt the need to cut myself (though I didn't do it), but it was only then and there did I get a real glimpse of why some people do it. That was an important moment for me, because that experience adds a layer of understanding from my part towards others in a more straightforward and personal way (as opposed to learning about it from someone else's experience).
I also remember finding someone who walks through an infertility path as well (though she walked a different path), but during her tough times she thanked me for being there for her and for not saying the wrong words. That was one of my first inklings of the purpose of my pain experience. If my shared experience makes just one person feel less alone, then it's one purpose. One seed.
During the dark moments, I also found comfort when I read these verses from 2 Cor 1:3-4:
Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our troubles so that we may be able to comfort those
experiencing any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are
comforted by God.
These verses spoke through me and reminded me of what I had written in my previous post: what another blogger had once told me about my being a good encourager. Another purpose added to the layer of purpose above, thank you very much.
I find it crucial to believe with all my heart and soul that my pain experience isn't for nothing when it comes to continuing my healing journey. Your pain is not for nothing, either. We are interconnected. Imagine the wealth of wisdom we get to learn from one another's pain experiences. So much fertilizer material everywhere...what has your pain experience taught you? I find it helpful to write about them, as well, because when I'm in my dark spot, I can always go back and reread them and feel encouraged by them again.
Warning: This post is full of my thoughts and feelings related to my journey as a Christian.
When you feel like you've done everything right and you've prepared yourself for a dream and then you find that the dream isn't in reach over and over and over again, you're struggling to find the meaning to this "waiting" period while secretly you're scared whether or not you'll ever reach your dream.
When I was struggling with God in my infertility journey, it was hard to get rid of the thought of "the unfairness of it all" when people who seemed to be abandoning or abusing kids could have kids so easily. I also struggled with the whole idea that "God is good".
Why didn't He fulfill our dream? At that time I felt that it was one of the most selfless dreams of all*. After all, we didn't ask for riches or fame or power (not taking anything from anyone else - position or money - so to speak). We only wanted a person to call our own, our own flesh and blood, to love and to cherish (that normally would only take making love to create). It didn't help that in the Bible there were lots more stories of miracle pregnancies and answered prayers for barren women.
* Side note: Though, ironically enough, some people claim this to be a selfish dream (with all the many abandoned children across the world).
I remember being angry at God at the unfairness of it all. Why did He answer some prayers but not others? It was the thought that He didn't deem us fit as parents that also haunted me for a period of time, even though I also knew that if I truly believed He was a sovereign God, then I should have known better.
“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of
falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say
you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely
using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a
precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted
it?”
- C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)
While struggling to make sense of my journey, I found some quotes that have helped me. If what I believe about God is solid, then I will never doubt God's goodness at all. Yes, the world is so full of stories of injustice, but the world is full of imperfect people with free will, so it's only natural that injustice exists because people do make mistakes. (And when I say people, that includes me)
“If God 'foresaw' our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we
could be free not to do them. But suppose god is outside and above the
Time-line... You never supposed that your actions at this moment were
any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He know your
tomorrow's actions in just the same way--because He is already in
tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your
action till you have done it: but the moment at which you have done it
is already 'NOW' for Him.”
- C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
"My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself.”
- C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”
- C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)
Further along in my journey I also found more comforting quotes from Glenn Packiam's book Secondhand Jesus.
"He will do everything in His power - everything - to make us His. So if giving us stuff achieves that goal, so be it. But if allowing things to be taken away gets us there quicker, He may just opt for that route."
I took comfort in the idea that God is and will be using my infertility journey somehow. I surrendered to Him unwillingly at first. Along my journey, these Bible verses have also helped me a lot in making sense of it all...
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
- 2 Cor 1:3-5
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Last but not least, this was one of the songs that comforted me during my toughest moments...I sang this song over and over for a period of time because I felt my faith slipping away and I needed to hold on to that frail and thin thread of faith left in me...and this song has blessed me tremendously.
The other day a regular customer of mine asked me "the question". I've worked in the same place for a little over 3 years but that was the first time he asked me that question. It was because I had finished worked and I was walking to my bike stand, so he asked if I had time to chit-chat and I said yes (we had a short convo while I packed some stuff into my bike's bags). When I said no, he immediately asked, "Are you going to try to have kids?"
I said no.
He asked, "But why not? Don't you think kids are fun/great to have?"
I vaguely answered, "Weeeeeellll..."
I was debating inside on whether or not I should tell him that we couldn't have children, but thankfully he let it go and we parted ways soon after that and to be fair, he gave me a compliment about my work before ending our chit-chat, so I thanked him.
Over the course of my IF journey, every now and then (esp. in the beginning) I felt this nagging question of "If you're not a mother/parent, what are you doing with your life?" There were times when I acutely felt the urge to find something "as grand/noble" to fill my life with, because if we really think about it, being able to be directly involved in the life of the future generation is really something. And because I'm not working in a place like that, that nagging question pops up every now and then, but so far I've countered them with these thoughts:
1. God wants me to be faithful with what He's entrusted me with no matter how "small" it may be, so I'm gonna focus on doing my best to take care of what I have (job, marriage, healthy friendships - don't need no toxic friends, thanks) every single day of my life.
Someone once suggested to me about being foster parents or doing things involving other people's kids, but I don't feel called to do those things, so I'm not going to force myself to do it even if I have the opportunity.
2. "If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." - Dalai Lama
I believe in the ripple effect. I believe that many times in life we don't know what kind of difference we may have made because the ripple effect is so subtle and we may not even know about it at all in our lifetime or we may only find out about it much later in life. But that doesn't matter. What matters is still back to number #1: making the best of each aspect of my life.
3. When all else fails, I'll keep recharging myself with God's words:
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
- Psalm 139:13
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
- 2 Cor 12:19
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