Making The Best of My Life

The other day a regular customer of mine asked me "the question". I've worked in the same place for a little over 3 years but that was the first time he asked me that question. It was because I had finished worked and I was walking to my bike stand, so he asked if I had time to chit-chat and I said yes (we had a short convo while I packed some stuff into my bike's bags). When I said no, he immediately asked, "Are you going to try to have kids?"

I said no. 

He asked, "But why not? Don't you think kids are fun/great to have?"

I vaguely answered, "Weeeeeellll..."

I was debating inside on whether or not I should tell him that we couldn't have children, but thankfully he let it go and we parted ways soon after that and to be fair, he gave me a compliment about my work before ending our chit-chat, so I thanked him. 

Over the course of my IF journey, every now and then (esp. in the beginning) I felt this nagging question of "If you're not a mother/parent, what are you doing with your life?" There were times when I acutely felt the urge to find something "as grand/noble" to fill my life with, because if we really think about it, being able to be directly involved in the life of the future generation is really something. And because I'm not working in a place like that, that nagging question pops up every now and then, but so far I've countered them with these thoughts: 


1. God wants me to be faithful with what He's entrusted me with no matter how "small" it may be, so I'm gonna focus on doing my best to take care of what I have (job, marriage, healthy friendships - don't need no toxic friends, thanks) every single day of my life.

Someone once suggested to me about being foster parents or doing things involving other people's kids, but I don't feel called to do those things, so I'm not going to force myself to do it even if I have the opportunity.

2. "If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." - Dalai Lama 


I believe in the ripple effect. I believe that many times in life we don't know what kind of difference we may have made because the ripple effect is so subtle and we may not even know about it at all in our lifetime or we may only find out about it much later in life. But that doesn't matter. What matters is still back to number #1: making the best of each aspect of my life. 

3. When all else fails, I'll keep recharging myself with God's words:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
- Psalm 139:13

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 
- 2 Cor 12:19

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Mellow Mood

PMS mode here. Just read a post about a blogger friend's friend's demise and she wrote such a beautiful post on her that just made me ache inside. Life isn't as simple as ABC. There are so many people facing their own challenges or "crosses to bear" all around me and those challenges are made even more vivid whenever I get to hear some more details about them. 

Lately I've been having lots of conversations related to children or actually pregnancies and babies with some friends.* One is pregnant and another one has started feeling the longing for motherhood. I was really happy when I heard about the pregnancy, but about half an hour afterwards the storm started within. I suddenly felt mellow and sad. I was uneasy 'coz I didn't know why I felt so sad (a different kind of sadness than what I experienced in the past). It wasn't that I started longing to have children again, mind you. Not that. 

I actually just realized (while writing this post) that the news and the talk about pregnancy and the other friend's future TTC plan transported me face-to-face with my "dead/buried dreams". As if I were suddenly standing right in front of those rows and rows of buried dreams and I couldn't help shedding a few tears (literally just a few tears, not sobbing like crazy). I was again reminded of how many dead dreams that I had to let go of and I suppose the sight of it all kinda overwhelmed me: seeing not just the buried dream of achieving pregnancy, but also the opportunity to feel the morning sickness, to feel the baby kicking inside of me, to talk about hubby about the details of the baby room, to share the news with my friends and family, to hear their shrieks of delight upon hearing the news, to share preggy photos and USG photos, to give birth, to share baby photos, etc. etc. etc. And the list kept going on. 

* Note: This is the kind of talk I want to be involved in 'coz I do care about them with all my heart. And I know they care about me with all that they've got as well. 

Photo taken from here

And on another level, again I couldn't help but think how "easy" it seemed for some people to get preggy. The latest pregnancy news reminded me of my SIL's pregnancy. When I first found out about her second pregnancy, she told me that it was a surprise 'coz she said that "they weren't even so diligent in TTC" though they were trying to have one. Words like these came back to the surface every now and then. The more often I hear words like these, the closer I got to feeling that my body wasn't working the way it should have been (in the past I had not felt this at all, I think - at least I didn't really think that way). 

Thankfully, though, the storm lasted only for about 6 hours (yeah, I'm slightly crazy about details LOL!). In the middle of it, I was screaming to God, "Help me, help me, help me focus on others' happiness instead of focusing on myself, pleaasssseeeeee." I also kept on remembering this verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Corinthians 12:9)


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That helped, as well as saying this mantra over and over again, "It's NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me". I went to bed pretty easily that night, though I must admit that it's bloody hard to try to focus on their happiness without looking back on my own history. And I couldn't help feeling "left out" - because I DO want to share the happiness by sharing my own story, but I have no story to tell except my Mom's stories about her being pregnant with us and my own childhood stories. 

But I think I've done a pretty decent job in trying to focus on them and their plans for the future instead of focusing on me (I may have slipped a few times but not too many times). Actually, writing all of this has made me feel SO much lighter. :-D

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On Blessings

The word "blessing" has been running in circles in my brain. IMHO, whenever I say "I'm blessed" or whenever I thank God for a "blessing", it doesn't mean that I've earned it or I deserve it "for everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard" (Rome 3:23 New Living Standard Translation). 

I do believe in causes and consequences, but I also believe that this world is as random as can be. I believe that people have choices to make and that some choices may yield bad results and that is one reason why there's chaos everywhere. I do believe that some choices we make may yield good results, but there's never a guarantee that if we make good choices then we'll get good results in the end.

Sometimes the choices people make are more limited than others and sometimes the only choice they can make is just to choose a better attitude/POV. I believe that God doesn't promise anyone an easy life, but for those who believe in God and lean on Him, He will definitely help them throughout life's many ups and downs because He cares enough to have sent His son to save us.

When it comes to infertility, unless God himself has told someone directly that the infertility is the cause of that person's sins or whatever wrongdoing of his/hers, I don't believe that it's a punishment from God or a specific test from God (who's closed down the womb for unknown reasons). During our TTC days, I did wonder if He didn't deem us fit/ready as parents. I struggled with it A LOT. But it doesn't make any sense if I try to think of it logically because it is clear that some people don't look ready to be parents.

After the struggle, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whether or not I understand what God has in mind. It doesn't matter even if I haven't received the "blessings" that I have asked and prayed for. It doesn't matter even if I will never ever get the "blessings" that I long for/longed for. He cares about me and He has comforted me in ways that I could have not done on my own. He has sustained me through the storm and that's enough. After all, sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms the child. 

And thus, when it comes to blessings, this is what I believe in:

Christmas Wishes

Here are my wishes this holiday season for my fellow IFers:

That your IF wounds aren't bleeding profusely
That people around you are sensitive towards you
That you feel God's warmth inside you
Telling you that He understands and you're not alone
That you can confide in Him about anything at all
That you're precious in His eyes just as you are right now
Despite yourself, despite your non-mom status

That God's peace and comfort blanket you 
Even though you don't understand why
Even though the storms of life are whirling all around you
That God's grace lifts your spirit up
Whenever you feel bruised and battered inside

That if you're surrounded by your big family this holiday season
You feel pure joy rather than sorrow
'Coz it reminds you of what you haven't got

That you know that there are people who care about you
Even though they may not understand fully what IF is all about
That there is at least one person who reaches out to you compassionately
When you need it the most

That you keep learning to love yourself despite yourself
Even if you still feel all those ugly emotions churning inside you
That you keep learning to be your own best friend
Especially when you're being your own worst enemy

Most of all, though, I pray for more healing for each and every one of us...

Have a blessed Christmas and a lovely New Year!



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The Shipping News Quote

Headline: Deadly Storm Takes House, Leaves Excellent View.

The movie "The Shipping News" and the above quote reminded me of my IF journey...from all the brokenness and the chaos after we were thrown into IF pool, we've survived. In times it felt as though we were drowning in the huge (unexpected) waves and stormy gusts of wind, but in due time the storms die down and we can see things more clearly...

The only constant is change and the storm doesn't last forever...:-D Thank GOD for His grace and peace... 

"For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' - Luke 23:29

On Unfulfilled Potentials

Was talking to my closest friends about different topics and we ended up talking about unfulfilled potentials. One friend said that when she saw great pianists, she always wondered what would have happened if she had been more focused on learning the piano when she was younger. She said that as she grew older, in a way it got a little tougher to accept the fact that she may not be fulfilling her potential as a pianist because she had less and less time to reach that dream. In the past if she saw great pianists, she felt more inspired and encouraged to follow that dream because it seemed that there was still ample time to do so. However, she also said that hopefully as she grew older, she would be wiser to accept the facts about unfulfilled potentials in any area of life.

I suddenly started thinking about infertility and motherhood. I told her that for me, motherhood was similar to her pianist dream. I don't actually know for sure how much "potential" I have to be a mother, but it was a dream I had for a certain period of time.

In my simplistic mind, when talking about unfulfilled potentials, you'd either have to do something about it or let it go. Letting it go also means accepting the fact that at the end of the day, maybe you'll only have fulfilled your potential until P instead of Z. In another life (so to speak), you may have made different choices and you may be able to fulfill that particular potential fully (or in a higher level than this life), but we've only got one life to live, so that's that. And we'll never know for sure anyway if in another life we'll be able to reach that potential more fully.

In my family, my brother is the more musical one. He took organ lessons when he was younger and the teacher said he was talented. He was in the course for years and then he stopped for a while, then continued it again for a while and for a period of time, my Mom was feeling sad because she felt that he could do more with his musical talents. Then when he was at the uni, he picked up the guitar and bass guitar and nowadays he plays bass guitar at church. In another life, he may be able to perform in stages or produce music by himself. Who knows? But this is his only life and he's made choices and he loves playing guitar/bass guitar at church.

When speaking about possibilities and unfulfilled potentials, there are too many unknown factors. R2 and I have made our choices and we have to live with it. In another life, we may be trying out something else at the moment, but in this life, I'm content to be where I am - even though every now and then I'm reminded of "my unfulfilled potential" that may be painful, but I'm THANKFUL for the lessons that IF has brought, because through IF I'm given a chance to learn more:

1. How to love myself despite myself.

2. That God's grace is enough.

3. More than ever before I know that God understands my pains and He cares, even though I've yelled at Him and accused Him of being unjust. 

4. That I've married the right guy.

5. The painful lesson of letting go and letting God.

 

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This Stage

I'm now at the stage where I'm not really sure anymore that I want kids - or if we are meant to be parents. Not sure if it's partly due to self-defense mechanism or not, but it's what it is. A close friend's sister is currently pregnant, but I didn't feel anything bad or painful when I heard about it. These days I can also look at pregnant bellies or small children without feeling stabs of longing.

Not sure how long this stage will last, but I'm enjoying it as much as I can. It feels BLISSFUL to be able to be in this stage.

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Soon it'll be three years since we first started to try to have kids (can't really say that we've been trying for the past year, though). Right now I can say that IF is like using a free kind of birth control without any side effects or operation and I can say this without any cynicism or sad feelings.

I just wanna be THANKFUL for God's peace of mind at this stage...to be honest, the other week I reread some of my old posts and I was surprised to read how dark they were (no wonder non-IFers can be really shocked while reading IFers thoughts or posts). At that time I never thought I could reach this stage, but I am here now, so I'm going to make the best out of it. :-D Glory to God!!!

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Rambling Thoughts on Loving

Upon remembering that we should "love our neighbours as ourselves", it made me think that it's sometimes hard to love ourselves when we feel that we're "ugly", "dirty", "yucky" and any other label that we can attach to ourselves.

During IF journey, we often find ourselves feeling all the negative emotions that come barging in unexpectedly like tsunami waves, leaving us shocked and making us feel guilty. We hate the fact that we can possibly feel all those emotions, yet we can't deny their existence either.

However, I start thinking that if we can just learn to love ourselves despite all that, maybe it'll help us love others. If we can't love ourselves despite all that, how can we "love our neighbours as ourselves"?

After living on earth for 30 something years, I've found that the best comforters are the ones who've experienced all the worst emotional turmoil ever, so why should we hate or loathe the very experience that will enrich ourselves? If we ever feel bitterness, why should we curse it? With God's help, we'll get through it and hopefully in the end we'll be able to become better comforters for our "neighbours" when they're feeling that similar wave of bitterness and maybe it'll help them to know that other people CAN and DO get through it.

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God's Timing: Rant Rant

Been sending emails with a friend (not yet married, but has a boyfriend and is planning to get married with him someday). With all the best intention in the world (which I appreciate), she asked me if we had got checked up 'coz she knew we wanted kids and that she knew some people who tried some Chinese herbs in Indo and the herbs worked for them. She then said that she'd pray to God that we'd get a child soon.

I told her this: "Well, we've decided not to get checked up due to A, B, C (I explained to her that it was like opening Pandora's box and I explained to her a bit that even though celebrities seemed to be successful in trying different types of medication to have kids, reality states differently). Besides, by the grace of God now we're fine even with the thought that we'll never have any kids at all even though we'd welcome a child if he/she comes our way (deep inside, I wanted to explain to her the crazy rollercoaster IF, but I knew she wouldn't understand so it was just not worth it). Life is beautiful with or without kids. If you're going to pray for us, don't pray that we'll have a child ASAP, but pray that we'll accept whatever plans God has for us."

She then replied: "Yeah, you're right about accepting whatever God is planning for us. Just believe in God's timing. God knows the best for us and His timing is always perfect and He will give us what we hope for when we least expect it, in His perfect timing."

A part of me wanted to debate her: "Uh, hello? What makes you feel so sure that He's going to give us what we hope for? Are you trying to make me feel better or are you trying to convince yourself that if we hope for something so badly, God will give us in His perfect timing? Why do people think that if they want something so badly and they keep praying for it, God will give it to them?"

Instead, I replied: "Well, when it comes to kids, let's not assume that God's going to give us any. We're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids and that's that. We've also thought about adoption but it doesn't look like it's a good idea for us bla bla bla bla..."

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The other month I also posted a comment in my friend's FB page 'coz her son's pictures are just SO cute. So I told her that under the latest pic of her son's and she said, "Come on then and make one!"

I said, "HA HA HA HA HA...we've been 'making one' so diligently, but no success yet."

She replied, "Well, just relax (calm down). Maybe God wants the two of you to have lots of honeymoons first."

A part of me bristled when I read it. What makes her think I'm not relaxed (calm)??? ---> yeah, I know I took it too personally 'coz logically thinking, maybe she just didn't know what to say and she wasn't insinuating that I wasn't calm - but then again it's hard to think logically when you're an IF.

Instead, I replied, "Don't worry, we're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids. Life's beautiful anyway."

THANKFULLY she didn't say anything anymore after I told her that. BUT I think I should just stop complimenting other people's babies' cuteness. Why can't they just say, "THANKS for the compliment" and leave it at that?

I understand fully the need to want to share the motherhood joy so that I can "join the club", but still it's tiring to have to answer those questions (it's hard to disregard the questions or the "invitation" to "make one" 'coz I want to correct their assumption that babies can be made that easily). So maybe I should just stop before the vicious cycle starts: thus I should stop giving baby compliments (unless towards my closest friends who know about us so well).

Lingering Thoughts

Dunno when I first started having these thoughts, but I suppose they developed over time after reading many articles...anyway, here goes:

If I ever THINK that I "deserve" to get pregnant and have children of my own more than some other people, this kind of thought only creates a vicious cycle 'coz then someone else can also ask me a similar question, "What makes me think I deserve to have such and such (house/opportunities/job/whatever) more than them?"

Thus, if I want to ask that question (why I haven't been pregnant and given the opportunity to bear my own child), it's only fair for me to ask God why I get all the blessings He's poured down upon me although I don't deserve all those things more than others who haven't been given all those things I've enjoyed...

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In the end I can only shut up 'coz I sure don't know why I've been given all the blessings He's given me. All I know now is that He has the authority over our lives and that He doesn't owe me anything and after counting all the blessings instead of focusing over the problems, my heart is filled with gratitude. I still believe that He has the best plans for me, even though it may not seem that way, even when I don't understand, even when it seems like He has a deaf ear.

And right now in my IF journey, I can write down with more certainty than ever that God's grace is really sufficient and His peace is beyond understanding. I would NEVER have been able to experience this kind of peace if it hadn't been for Him. I'm not saying that my wounds are completely healed. I still feel some degree of sadness every once in a while, but at least the pain is not as overwhelming as before and I'm getting more and more used to the idea of living together with hubby as a COMPLETE FAMILY for the rest of our lives. That idea becomes more and more beautiful as time goes by...:-D

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Quotes of The Day

Stumbled upon this today:

Yet it was not I but God who was working through me by His grace” (1 Corinthians 15:10)

Paul had learned that if he was going to brag, it would be about his weakness—for it was in the middle of humanly unsolvable problems, and even in the middle of his own unanswered prayers, that he heard the Lord say, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Grace teaches us to say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord” (2 Corinthians 10:17).

As Paul reminds us, this is the grace that we discover only as we “count as loss” anything that would tempt us to put our confidence in ourselves rather than in Christ—in what He has done for us, and in what He, in His grace, wants to do in and through us today.

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