I haven't been blogging or blog-hopping in a long while. Been busy focusing on other stuff and my blogging muscles have atrophied (in some ways). Plus I don't think I have that much to say anymore about my infertility journey, so I may be writing about other stuff in this blog from now on.
I've mentioned here last year that I entered a writing competition. I knew I wouldn't be able to win because my Finnish ability was still basic (compared to Finnish writers), but I had a story to tell and there was nothing to lose. A few months ago I got a letter that stated that my piece was in the top 30, so my story made it to the anthology. YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!! It felt too good to be true, so even though I was happy, I tried to hold my horses. Then afterwards I had a call from the organization that held the competition, saying that my piece was in thetop 20and I was invited to the gift-giving ceremony. Unfortunately it was held in Helsinki, so I couldn't come due to my work (plus it's not that cheap to go there).
Two days ago they had the ceremony and the published the list of winners. Six winners received money, whereas the other fourteen finalists will receive copies of the anthology. I'm one of the latter. I can't wait to get the anthology! Now I can truly celebrate and know that this isn't a dream! :-D
Must admit, though, when I read the list of winners online, it was bittersweet. I felt like saying to my deceased dad, "Dad, even though there's no child carrying your blood through me, I've etched your (sur)name on a book."
You see, even though in my birth certificate in Indo and all my previous legal documents there I don't have my dad's surname, all of my legal documents here carry my dad's surname.*
Anyway, will you celebrate with me and dance along to this song? :-D :-D :-D
* This is because the crazy Indo officials wouldn't let my dad add his surname to my birth certificate. This doesn't only happen to me, but it happened to my brother as well as all the kids born during those period of time. However, when I first applied my passport, the crazy Indo official decided to add my dad's surname to my passport. FYI, nobody in Indonesia (none that I know of) changes their names when they get married, so they retain their birth names. I was planning on adding my husband's surname before infertility...but after infertility, I decided to keep my dad's surname. Nowadays I keep my dad's surname just because it's such a hassle to change all my cards/passport etc., but who knows maybe someday I'll change my mind.
There's a theme that's been brewing in my head for weeks now and I'm trying to capture it in this post. In many people's lives, "the next level" is the way to go. Graduating from school, graduating from university, getting a job, getting a promotion, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, having children, your children's graduation, your children's wedding day, becoming a grandparent and the list goes on. And it's only natural that many people who know you will celebrate your "next levels".
I think that's one of the many losses in this childless-not-by-choice path. At one point in time I felt stuck because it felt like I couldn't go on to the "next level" (in reproduction) that precludes so many "next levels" and celebrations of life. But you know what? I've survived infertility without children at the end of my road and it's a cause for celebration as well, so I'm going to celebrate it today. :-D
I'm celebrating my infertility scars because they're proof that I've learnt so many important lessons through my infertility journey and I bet that there will be many more important lessons in the future and I'm excited to learn anything else that life wants to throw my way. :-D
I'm celebrating my life and my path, because this is the only life that I have and this is the path that I've chosen and that I have no regrets.
I am celebrating my life because - no matter what - I do matter. :-D
1. Had a Skype convo with Mom today and again she "mentioned in passing" about this woman who had told her about some kind of herbs that had helped some other people to get preggy. I think many people know that we haven't had kids, so they volunteered in telling her things that they had heard may work. I have no trouble with that.
But today I finally told my Mom again that it was OK for us not to have kids and that we were becoming older and older anyway and she said she understood. I hope that would stop her from telling this kind of story to me anymore. :-)
2. Speaking of IF, lately I've been wondering about a cousin of mine who's never had kids. She's much older than me (at least 15 years older) and I can't imagine how it must have been like for her and hubby during those days - before she finally reached menopause. It must've taken a lot of patience to handle all the well-meaning words of other people. At least I'm SO far away from all the nosy Indo people, but she's always lived there all her life.
And I'm also wondering about another couple that I know (again a much older couple) that have never had kids. From what the guy's mother had told my Mom, it seemed as though they kept on trying to have a child, but now I don't know anymore if it's more HER wish rather than their wishes.
3. I feel REALLY THANKFUL for having experienced IF when I found out how much it's helped me connect with another friend of mine who's struggling with her little boy. How much she's misunderstood, unsupported, judged and how often other people offer "unsolicited assvice" to her. How much those unsolicited words can sting like hell when given at the wrong time...
It's interesting how much connection we can feel despite the obvious contrast between us. :-)
That's why today I am CELEBRATING my infertility because even if the only purpose of this is to be able to connect with her and be able to make her feel not alone, then it's WORTH IT!!! :-D
I'm an IF SURVIVOR and I'm gonna use this experience as best as I can!!! That's my promise to myself!
