What Is Your Greatest Achievement?

Note: I've been MIA due to being busy at work, then taking time off from my PC due to my wrist/thumb problem, then we went on holiday where I also took time off PC and now recuperating from an infection (otherwise I'd have started blog-hopping to catch up already). I wrote a post in my head before I got sick so now I'm going to write it down here before I start blog-hopping tomorrow or this weekend (my head still feels a bit woozy but I don't want to lose momentum with this post).

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Last week I tried imagining someone asking me the question "What is your greatest achievement?"

That sudden question made me search my database, but I couldn't come up with a definite answer in such a short time. Instead, a part of me blurted out, "Does it even matter?" 

Another part of me, though, was curious. Could I come up with a definite answer? I kept searching and searching and searching to no avail. I haven't found a cure to any disease nor have I created an effective system that helps many people. I haven't come up with any theories that revolutionize anything. I'm not an athlete nor a musician that wins lots of medals, either.

However, what has actually given me the most trouble finding a definite answer is my belief that whatever I've achieved in my lifetime isn't based on my sole efforts (or intelligence or talents). Every single thing that I (or the world) can call an achievement has been made possible because of God's help and the (direct or indirect) help of the many random individuals (either online or IRL, dead or alive) that are too numerous to mention. I couldn't have accomplished many things without the help of God and those many random individuals (some of which I've never met and will never meet in this lifetime because they have inspired/taught me through their words/stories post-mortem).

I'm learning to "take pleasure, not pride" when it comes to my achievements. I'm learning the balance between believing that I'm only one super tiny drop in the vast ocean of life (who am I to think that I'm the centre of the universe?) and believing that even as a super tiny drop, I do matter. Easier said than done, I know.

Conclusion: rather than coming up with a definite answer to that question, I'd like to spend some time being thankful for God's help as well as the help of those random individuals (including you all who have left me very loving and thoughtful comments in the past). Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for your existence, love, support, guidance, inspiration, thoughtfulness, presence, wisdom, life lessons, examples, encouragement, sense of humour, acceptance, warmth, forgiveness, comfort, friendship, vulnerability, and openness. 

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Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings...

Recently I was reminded of something I felt when my mom announced that my brother and wife was having another child a few years back. Even though I was happy for my mom and my brother and his wife (and happy to know that my nephew would have a sibling), there was a part of me that felt a bit frustrated that I was losing my mom to "more grandmotherhood" because I knew she would fall in love with the new child and her life would revolve around the child. And I know that when the grandchild is still young, it'd be more of a challenge to take my mom out for dinner or a movie or both when I come for a visit to Indo because her mind would be all about the child (she was the same way when we were young).

What made me remember that feeling I had a few years back? Well, a friend of mine has just announced her second pregnancy and although I am happy for her and her family, I couldn't help feeling like I was losing her to "more motherhood". One of the first things that came to mind after getting the pregnancy announcement was the timeline of events, moments, and stories that can happen in a child's life. I felt that I was also losing her to more motherhood bonding with the other mothers as they would be naturally swapping pregnancy stories/comparing with the previous one, birth stories, and many more future stories (first day of school, girlfriend/boyfriend, wedding, etc.). The feeling of being left out once more was palpable because I wouldn't be able to respond with my own personal stories.

For what it's worth, she was really sensitive towards me and she gave me plenty of signs beforehand that they had been trying to have a child. She even wrote me first to tell me the news herself before she told the others and I'm very thankful for that, but you know what else I feel? I feel a tad sad that she had to be that sensitive with me because of my infertility history. Her email had a sweet, apologetic tone and it broke my heart a little. I couldn't help feeling "if only I hadn't been CNBC, then she wouldn't have had to be that careful with me when breaking such happy news..."

Yet the second that "what if" thought appeared in my mind, a part of me gave myself a good whack on the head, because I certainly did not ask for this to happen and I'd like to think that if I were on the other side of the fence, I'd be sensitive towards someone in my position as well. It's not my fault, it's nobody's fault. That said, her sensitivity reminded me of the many (side) effects of infertility and I mourned a little. 

Another thing I've realized lately is this: I've been waiting for some (specific) friends to breed and be done with it so that I can have some respite from the similar feelings of losing them to "motherhood/more motherhood bonding", though I suspect that in the far future the cycle may start all over again when they start having grandchildren.

On the flip side, though, I've felt some connection with two different women on two different topics altogether. The first case reminds me that every now and then we all struggle to embrace/remember our innate self-value and to find our own personal mission in life regardless of whether or not we have children. The second case reminds me again that my infertility grief journey is beneficial, irreplaceable even. I'm grateful for these two occasions as they remind me that despite the disconnect I feel sometimes, connection is still available in unexpected places.

The Two Diverged Roads

The other day I joined an international family Christmas event in which I was surrounded by mostly mothers with their kids. Some of the much older women naturally didn't bring any children, but the younger ones did. There were only three men amongst us. Among the younger women, only my friend and I didn't bring any kids (my friend has kids).

It was a nice event, though during that time I was reminded again about the two diverged roads that we've taken: those of the parents and those that the childless-not-by-choice. There were several occasions during the evening where I was reminded of how much society seemed to expect us to be enthusiastic over children/grandchildren and over child-related events/performances. And it made me wonder if one would be punished by society if one claimed not to be interested at all in all child-related stuff.

Another thing that came up during the evening was the fact that a friend had been meeting another friend for a playdate and naturally I wasn't invited. Mind you, I have no hard feelings at all, but that just brought the gap between us to the surface again. And it reminded me of the kiddos' birthday party photos in FB along the years (including the more recent ones from last week) with my friends in it where I didn't get invited. Again, I want to stress that I have no hard feelings about it anymore (in the past when I still wanted to join the mommy club, I did feel sad about this), but the image of the gap continued resurfacing and it makes me feel a bit disconnected. Last year there was no such an event like this, so I didn't really feel anything much about the disconnection. 

After spending quite some time in my healing journey feeling like we were connected beings regardless of the fact that we had kids or not, the Christmas event and my subsequent reflection on it made me aware of our two different worlds. This is not something I can change, but something I just need to accept. 

I feel that I have done enough to spread my wings and get more friends (international, local, online women with or without children) and I'm really thankful that I have some friends who also like spending time with me who are genuinely interested in my life, but this whole thing makes me realize even more just how much I need my own tribe, as well. So to those of you who are childless-not-by-choice in particular who have been there for me, I'm sincerely grateful for your existence. THANK YOU for being here, being there, being you!!!!!

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

A Love Letter To Myself

*cross-posted with my main blog*

Found this video clip and thought I'd give it a try myself because it moved me so much.


Okay, here we go...deep breath...

Dear Amel,

You've come so far in your 35 years of living. You used to be a very shy and quiet girl with some dark, cynical, and pessimistic thoughts. You dragged around other people's faults like chains on your ankles, but you learnt to let go of them one by one when you realized that they were getting too heavy and they were threatening to drown you. I remember how your self-confidence grew tremendously during your university days and how rebellious you were at that time. You started getting to know yourself better during your university days and you started to learn how to be more positive, but the you at that time had no clue what life had to offer in the future. (chuckle)

Even though you had always dreamed of either traveling abroad or living abroad, you weren't actively searching for a foreign spouse, but you found one anyway. And my goodness, I must say that you have chosen the right person despite the fact that you were only with the guy for two weeks in real life prior to deciding to marry him. I know you were scared stiff on the plane to Finland after getting your residence permit via the Finnish Embassy in Indonesia, but I applaud you because you managed to drown out all those voices and just focus on whatever may come.

For the past (almost) seven years of living in Finland and for the past five years of infertility journey, I've seen how much more you've grown and I just wanna say, "WELL DONE, girl!" I especially take my hat off to you for having learnt how to let go of different things and dreams over and over and over and over again. I also love the fact that you don't stop struggling with God and you were totally honest with Him even though you were so angry at Him at some parts of your infertility journey. I know we couldn't have grown like this without the support of all the thoughtful and positive people around us, so we owe them a lifetime of thanks, but still your attitude counts and I enjoy being with you more and more as time goes by and you know what? I'm looking forward to spending more days with you. *wide grin* I respect you, my friend! Here's to us!


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Lots of love and hugs,

Me

P.S. I promise to always try my damnest to be your best cheerleader and BFF. :-D

An Important Letter

*cross-posted with my other blog*

I'm in the middle of composing an important letter in my head. I'm going to transfer it to text later on. You see, if you're a regular reader, you probably know that we've decided to surrender to life without kids. After spending a few years trying to conceive and thinking that family = husband + wife + a kid (a few kids), it took A LOT of energy and a long winding healing process to finally switch to thinking that a complete family = me + hubby. My huge hole in the heart has dried up and we've been content with what we have (read: meaning on most days, we can focus more on what we have and be thankful for what we have instead of the hole in our hearts, though there are tender moments here and there).

During our infertility journey, I've told my mom succinctly about our decisions and every time she seemed to be supportive. Last summer during our holiday, mom wrote me an SMS saying, "Last year on your birthday I woke up early in the morning and sent a prayer to God so that you'd be pregnant. Instead your SIL got pregnant."

I was shocked when I read that SMS. I told her about our decision to live life without kids already three years ago and back then she said it was a good decision, but last year she was still praying like that? Mind you, I AM thankful that I have a mother who prays for me, but I find that it's rather useless to pray for someone to get something that the person in question doesn't want anymore (that the person in question doesn't even try to get anymore). What's the use for that? I know that I can't control what she hopes for us and I KNOW damn well she means well, but nevertheless I felt sad and upset when I read her SMS. Why? Because what she thinks will make us happier only makes me feel that what we have right now is not enough. 

The world is already so full of reminders of our losses and we need all the support we get to live the kind of life that we've chosen. In the past I had some guilt over the fact that I couldn't give my parents any grandchildren, but I've learnt to get rid of the guilt...but I haven't actually told her about this kind of guilt. I'm planning to tell her about this guilt so that she knows how hard it was. Choosing this path hasn't been easy and I need all the support I can get. If the person saying those words isn't my mom, I won't even consider trying to explain all these to her/him, but because I'm still going to keep in touch with my mom, I need and want her to understand my situation better.

You see, a few weeks ago I was talking to mom on Skype and she told me that a long-distance relative of hers came for a visit. When the auntie saw my wedding photos, she realized that I had married a foreigner, so she asked my mom the usual stuff (where I live etc.)

Auntie: "Does she have kids?"
Mom: "Not yet, because she postponed it and used birth control pills."
Auntie: "Oh yeah, I also know someone who used birth control pills to postpone having children and after that they had trouble conceiving. They finally had a child after four years of trying."

Again I was shocked when I listened to the story. I know that my mom didn't just tell me this story for no reason. So she was more or less blaming me for the use of birth control pills or postponing having children? And does that mean she still hopes for a miracle pregnancy? 

I'm always thankful to have a mom like my mom and I admire her for many different reasons, but I'm struggling with how to tell her gently about all these things (where do I start, how much should I divulge, etc.?). The reason why I finally thought about writing her all these stuff is because next year we're planning to visit Indonesia and I just don't want to hear these kinds of words coming out of her mouth anymore. These kinds of words don't help us in any way whatsoever. I'm going to take my time in writing this letter out. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some free days from work! :-) 
 

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Sunshine Award + Bristling Inside

This is the long overdue post that I was planning to write, but I've been so busy lately and I've been under the weather that I just haven't had the strength to focus on it. Viruses have been spreading in this village and three coworkers have been getting sick one at a time, which meant that the rest of us were working full steam. Working full steam is OK when you're 100% healthy, but when you have some health problems yourself, it can be really challenging, but I've survived so far. Phew!

Anyway, first of all I want to say THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU for Wolfers who's shared this award with me. :-D

*A Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day.  The rules are:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award.
5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.

OK, now let me answer Wolfers' questions he he...

1.  Chocolate or Vanilla? 
Chocolate, but I love the combination of both, as well. :-D

2.  What is one thing you would rid of,  from the world?
Greed. 

3. What is in your bucket list for the next year?
Ummm...going back to Indo, going on a winter holiday vacation, and meeting some ladies from the Gateway Women community (it doesn't have to be next year, though, but I do plan to meet them somewhere - either in the UK or wherever). 

4. Where do you feel the most comfortable (outside of your home)? 
When I'm surrounded by nature and nobody else is with me...sometimes it means in our own back yard ha ha...

5.  Movies, originated from books (i.e. The Help), or books, originated from movies (i.e. Cowboys and Aliens)?
I think I prefer movies originated from books. For fantasy or sci-fi especially, I like watching the movies compared to reading the books. 

6. If you could live anywhere (no limits), where would that be?
I enjoy living here to be honest and for the moment I can't think of anywhere else I'd like to live.

7.  If you win the lottery ($64 millions), what would be the three first items you would acquire, (or get done)?
Pay off our debts (like our house loan), send plane tickets for my Indo family to come and visit ASAP hi hi...and tithe 10%. The fourth one will be to find out ways to invest a big chunk of the money and the fifth is to travellllllll to Japan without worrying about the cost (I have several friends living in 3 different places there that I'd like to visit)!!!! :-D 

8. What is one of your rants, that put you on the soapbox? 
Hmmm...this is tough...if I've thought about it, I've ranted a few times in FB as well as in my other blog about how nosy Indo people are and that each of us should think first before we speak. In Indo it's common to hear people say "When are you gonna get married? When are you gonna have a child? When are you gonna give your firstborn a sibling? You've got two boys (or girls), don't you want another one of a different gender? Oh, you've gained weight!" Major doh!!!

9. If you had one chance to a time machine that can only go ten years ago (2003), what would you do?
Probably I just wanna take a look at myself and my family...especially my dad 'coz he's no longer with us. :-D I'll probably be surprised at how young he looked! :-D

10. Done any jokes lately? Spill! 
Not really, but my tongue slipped the other day when I was trying to tell someone how much he had to pay for his grocery. I tried again and failed again and he was laughing so much...he probably thought it was so funny HI HI HI HI HI...and his facial expression and laughter were so contagious that I couldn't help laughing along (he was still laughing while walking away from me) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

*Of course, it's all optional.  The main rule is no guilt!  We all have some intense things going on, so I'll understand if you don't have time right now, or if you pick just a few favorite questions to answer.  If you do participate, please post a comment that links to your answers and nominees, so that others can go check them out.  

OK, it's not that I don't want to share my award with anyone, but those people have been awarded by Wolfers he he he he...so I'm not gonna do it because if I do so, then they have to answer more questions HA HA HA HA HA HA...

Anyway, let me continue the "bristling inside" topic. You see, the other day my close friend who's entering her third trimester wrote a question in FB about corporal punishment and how other parents thought about that. Many people chimed in to discuss the matter and I was bristling inside. This was what I probably looked like if I had been a cat:

Image source: here

Anyway, I jolted when I realized what I felt and I dug deep to find the reason. The reason was that her post took me back to the past, when we started TTC (or even a little bit before then - I was notorious for planning way ahead of time), when I asked my blogger friends who were parents on the tough aspects of parenting because I thought I could get more glimpses of what parenting was like from them - to help me prepare myself mentally for the time when I'd become a mother. I was bristling inside because I was reminded of how naive I was back then. I felt silly for having asked such things even before I could get pregnant. I felt silly for believing that pregnancy could happen so soon (or so easily). I was also reminded of my losses again - that as much as I wanted to participate in the conversation, I can't do it because we don't have children and we won't have any.

But you know what? What's done is done and I'm gonna embrace the naive me today and tell her that it's okay. That I'm okay. That being naive is normal and that I couldn't have known any better because I couldn't have predicted the future. That my losses have enabled me to meet so many wonderful ladies out there that I wouldn't have met otherwise and that they've inspired me and touched my life in so many ways. That my losses have enabled me to learn to love myself in ways that I couldn't have possibly done otherwise. So, despite all the losses I've experienced, I've also gained so much more...and for that, I'm thankful. :-)



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More on Shame

I watched another video of Brené Brown's talk again and was reminded of how powerful it is. 

One quote that rang loudly when I heard her talk was this: 

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle is 'me too'."'

I think it's especially true for disenfranchised grief. :-D

OK, I'm not going to write too long. Enjoy the videos! 

Here's the transcript for the first video: Listening to shame. 

 
And as a complement of the one above, let me share this one, too (a shorter video):


Here's a link to the summary of the second video, though not exactly the transcript: Finding Shelter in a Shame Storm. 

Last but not least, I'd love to thank each one of you who's been really supportive and who's left kind and encouraging words. YOU ROCKKKKKKK!!!!! God bless each and every one of you in your own journeys!!!!


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A Happy Moment

My brother has been sending me pics of his second son periodically ever since the boy was born so that I can see his growth. For practicality's sake, let's just call him JM (the M isn't his surname, but his second first name). As I've mentioned in a previous blog post, the M actually came from me. My bro asked me for some name suggestions prior to JM's birth and I mentioned to him that I had always liked a particular name (after I had sent him about a dozen of names I found online that I thought he and wife would/may like). He and his wife added 2 letters to the end of the M, but the original part that I liked was still intact.

Anyway, the first few times he sent me JM's pics, he wrote: "Here's J's latest pics."

However, the last time he wrote: "Here's a pic of mom with M" ---> mind you, he didn't write the two letters that they had added to the second first name, so the name that he wrote was the exact name that I had told him I had always liked. When my eyes caught the name, I literally choked inside and I got teary-eyed. I suspect that he deliberately wrote that, though I don't know for sure, but it was a very heartwarming moment that I'd like to record here in case I forget about it. All I want to say is, BLESS YOU, brother! Bless you!!!


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Pain Triggers #2

The previous post about pain triggers reminded me of a conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house. Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School). 

Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.


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So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have). 

I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.

I realize that I also find those triggers in unexpected, random places. For example I was browsing through a friend's old album and then I saw a pic where she was holding her baby nephew. Below the pic, another friend commented, "Mother-to-be." Mind you, she wasn't preggy at that time nor was she actually TTC yet, but when I reread that comment today, I felt a little thump on my heart. The thump that whispered, "Ah, nobody'll ever say that to me." It wasn't that painful, but it was clear enough that it was one a small pain trigger 'coz it is connected to my broken dream.


To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life. After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).

Anyway, let me end this post with some more quotes.

Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you.
- Mother Teresa, A Gift for God

Adversity introduces one to oneself. 
- Unknown 

"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me."

- Robert Browning Hamilton

Quotes taken from here and here

The Point of No Return: Zombie Analogy

If someone asked me what drove me to say "It's enough. Let's get this over with and start a new chapter in life: life without kids", then I'd explain it with a zombie analogy. 

You see, in many zombie stories, if a zombie bites you, then in time you'll turn into a zombie yourself. So if a zombie bites your leg or arm for example, if you don't want to turn into a zombie, you'll have to chop it off. It's gonna be such a painful process and it'd take time before your wound heals, but if you turn into a zombie, you're also a menace to your surroundings and the people around you. And once you turn into a zombie, the only "loving" thing that your loved ones can do is kill you before you have a chance to bite them and turn them into zombies, too. What kind of option is that, right?

That was what I felt. I didn't want to turn into a "zombie". I felt as though I was that close to turning into a "zombie", so I had to "chop off the infected part" even though it was SO painful to do so. I had to stop it before I became too obsessed (I have the tendency to do so), before it was too late, before my "zombie virus" threatened to overcome my whole being that I'd even jeopardize my marriage and relationships with others and myself (due to envy, jealousy, anger, guilt, cynicism, grief, sorrow, and the whole smorgasbord of unbearable feelings). 

It did cross my mind that if I could have continued TTC without being "obsessed" about it, I would've probably continued, but because I couldn't do so, I had to draw the line somewhere (my heart just couldn't handle it anymore). Reading hundreds of IF blogs helped me in making the decision, because there was no guarantee that a baby was going to be in our future no matter how hard we tried. Reading IF blogs who tell stories about life without kids after infertility especially helped me to be surer of the decision. 

I'm grateful to all those people who've bared their hearts and souls in their blogs during their IF journeys.

P.S. Almost forgot: Heard SUPERB NEWS about two friends' health concerns I mentioned in my previous post. They're both cleared from the first diagnoses. WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Random Thoughts...Hmmmhhh...

1. Had a Skype convo with Mom today and again she "mentioned in passing" about this woman who had told her about some kind of herbs that had helped some other people to get preggy. I think many people know that we haven't had kids, so they volunteered in telling her things that they had heard may work. I have no trouble with that.

But today I finally told my Mom again that it was OK for us not to have kids and that we were becoming older and older anyway and she said she understood. I hope that would stop her from telling this kind of story to me anymore. :-)


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2. Speaking of IF, lately I've been wondering about a cousin of mine who's never had kids. She's much older than me (at least 15 years older) and I can't imagine how it must have been like for her and hubby during those days - before she finally reached menopause. It must've taken a lot of patience to handle all the well-meaning words of other people. At least I'm SO far away from all the nosy Indo people, but she's always lived there all her life. 

And I'm also wondering about another couple that I know (again a much older couple) that have never had kids. From what the guy's mother had told my Mom, it seemed as though they kept on trying to have a child, but now I don't know anymore if it's more HER wish rather than their wishes. 


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3. I feel REALLY THANKFUL for having experienced IF when I found out how much it's helped me connect with another friend of mine who's struggling with her little boy. How much she's misunderstood, unsupported, judged and how often other people offer "unsolicited assvice" to her. How much those unsolicited words can sting like hell when given at the wrong time...

It's interesting how much connection we can feel despite the obvious contrast between us. :-)

That's why today I am CELEBRATING my infertility because even if the only purpose of this is to be able to connect with her and be able to make her feel not alone, then it's WORTH IT!!! :-D 

I'm an IF SURVIVOR and I'm gonna use this experience as best as I can!!! That's my promise to myself! 

The Shipping News Quote

Headline: Deadly Storm Takes House, Leaves Excellent View.

The movie "The Shipping News" and the above quote reminded me of my IF journey...from all the brokenness and the chaos after we were thrown into IF pool, we've survived. In times it felt as though we were drowning in the huge (unexpected) waves and stormy gusts of wind, but in due time the storms die down and we can see things more clearly...

The only constant is change and the storm doesn't last forever...:-D Thank GOD for His grace and peace... 

"For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' - Luke 23:29

Oases in the Desert

When I shared our IF "conclusion" to people (that we've surrendered to life without kids), there was a few people who didn't say all the wrong things. 

One person said, "I'm really happy for you that you have surrendered to God on this matter." This person is the mother of three and grandmother to six. Yeah. GO GRANDMA! My eyes got wet when I got her reply 'coz that was the last thing I expected from her. I was just SO touched!

Another person said, "I think it's really something that the both of you can surrender on this matter and I'm happy for you." This person had a hysterectomy at a young age and is now a mother of an adopted child. 

And then there's one close friend who wrote this email the other day (a mother of one):

"It's very tricky to know what to say to people when they tell you about their dreams - such as when they're longing to find a spouse or longing to have a baby/children, because if you don't know them well enough, you don't know where they're standing in their journeys. 

I mean, I know you and I know where you're standing in terms of your IF journey and I'll never think of saying hopeful things to you. So I'll never ever say to you in passing that I hope you can still have a child."

Ah...those voices are like oases in the IF desert...and for what it's worth, I really love getting a perspective from "the other side", from those people who're confused on what to say but they care enough to know what to say without hurting anyone. Because I'll admit it myself...before being thrown into IF, I would probably have said "the wrong things" myself to those people in my situation.

I think it's important to write these down so that I remember these oases in the IF desert and I remember to be thankful for them. :-D




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One of the Signs...

That shows how far I'm on my IF journey is screaming with joy, "THANK GOD!" when my period shows up. 

Just like what happened today.

Infertility is a weird thing. Maybe that's why people can't understand still that a couple could really wish for kids so much that it hurt like hell, but then again at one point they can stop hoping for a pregnancy so much that the above scenario happened. Anyway, I'm so glad my period finally came! :-D


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The Unexpected

The other day a grandma came to the store and while loading her groceries to the till, she started this convo with me:

G: Aren't you cold here in Lapland?
Me: Cold? No.
G: Is it ever cold in your home country?
Me: Nah. The lowest temp is probably +18'C.
G: Do you miss your home country?
Me: Sometimes, but not that much.
G: Oooohhhh...what made you move here?
Me: My Finnish hubby.
G: Do you have kids?
Me: No. 

I was holding my breath a little, getting myself psyched up for what she was going to say next if it was baby related topic still.

THANKFULLY, this is what she said instead:

G: Ah, I'm just SO glad to have you here in Sodankylä.
Me: (BIG SMILE) THANK YOU!!!! :-D 

P.S. Another grandpa whom I had never met before said a similar thing: I'm glad to have you here. Don't ever go back to your home country! HA HA HA HA HA HA...


 

Weird But True

My friend who has PCOS (who was the catalyst of my breakdown last December) has finally given birth to a healthy baby girl. What do I feel about this? PURE JOY!!! Nothing else, THANK GOD!!! I was even able to be there for her during one check-up a week before the baby was born 'coz she was so afraid that they would induce her and I managed to infuse her with positive thoughts. It felt GREAT to be a sounding board for her without any negative thoughts about me, myself, and I.

However, another weird thing has happened again...yeah, my brain has been messing up again with the thought of being pregnant. For some reason even before I got news about my friend's baby's birth, my twisted brain has been "telling me" about that I might get pregnant this month. Crazy, right?

The brain has been telling me that during the 2ww (actually longer than 2ww 'coz my cycle is longer than 30 days) I've been producing so much mucus (more than usual) and my appetite has been over the top, yadda yadda yadda...but now that it's bugging me so much, I can't help but to postpone sending a job application letter 'coz if I am pregnant, then there's no way they'd hire me anyway and I would even reconsider doing this kind of job that I'm about to apply for. I mean, after all it's not THAT easy to get myself pregnant in the first place, so I'm not going to do any physical work that I think may endanger my pregnancy.

You see? Crazy thoughts again...Well, at least this time those thoughts don't come with envy or bitterness towards others. However, I'd sometimes REALLY like to push a stop button so that I can get down from this tiring roller-coaster ride - just as I thought I had stopped riding it, here I go again...

P.S. One time I was tempted to browse through "pregnancy symptoms" again, but I managed to stop myself even before that thought fully developed in my head. Even though I may not be able to stop myself from riding the roller-coaster of hell, I can still control some other things. GO, ME!!!

P.P.S. I think one of the most frustrating parts of infertility is that it doesn't seem as though we could really control ourselves so well - our feelings, our "crazy" thoughts, our obsession...despite our best effort, we still fail...maybe that's one reason why it feels so yucky...

Slow Motion

I just realized that when people don't know what to say, sometimes they say things that are silly or downright stupid, even though they don't mean it just because they are at a loss on what to do. And more often than not, when the person hearing it is hurting, those tender wounds can make him/her take the words too seriously. From this, I learn that sometimes when I don't know what to say when someone tells me about his/her problem, the best things I can say is either "I'm sorry to hear that, I'll remember you in my prayers" or "What kind of support do you want me to give you?".

The latter was actually something that a close friend said to me when I was sharing my IF journey with my close friends in a group email and I'm THANKFUL for that. That's one of the best things that someone could have said to me in this IF journey.


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I don't know if it's because we've been busy with packing and moving things to the new house or if it's also because we've decided not to pursue any tests or medical treatments, but I've been feeling like a HUGE burden is off my chest. This week I've been exchanging emails with my friend who had a miracle pregnancy (she has PCOS, been TTC for 3 years, had a miscarriage once, didn't get any period for 5 months, then realized she was 6 weeks pregnant - now she's probably around 12 or 13 weeks pregnant) - this news caused my meltdown at that time. However, I realized that now I can be truly happy for her without feeling self-pity, without asking God, "Why? When? Where did we go wrong?"

I can handle disappointments and grief, but I hate self-pity and bitterness 'coz I always have warring voices in my head whenever both feelings show their ugly heads and it's really tiring. It's hard to distract myself from those warring voices, so we'll see how long this peaceful state can last. Right now I'm really enjoying myself and our sex life, too. HURRAAAHHHH for that he he he...