The other day I think I had my first experience of crying with so much gratitude that my heart felt like it was going to burst mixed with some grief over the losses of a life as a non-mother. It was bittersweet. The tears didn't run too long, but it was cleansing. :-)
The triggers? The gratitude came from hearing positive feedback about myself from different people including from MIL. I was SO touched and thankful to be able to hear those words, but at the same time I realized how much more they meant to me because I'm not a mother. Only after I heard the words did I realize that I had actually been waiting for some confirmation that I was doing something right as a non-mom. Like I was secretly wishing that the universe would give me signs that what I was doing in the community was enough even if I could never become a mother.
The grief came much later that day while I was reading a manga series that dealt with cute little twins (a boy and a girl) that I had subscribed to (I had been reading it since ages ago and it's still not finished yet). Reading about their antics and how they grew not just in size but also in many different areas in life made me feel sad because I could never watch my own child(ren) grow. And that was when I remembered the positive feedback from all those people which counterbalanced my grief. It felt surreal.
It was probably the first time when I cried tears of grief that didn't weigh upon my chest. Instead, the feeling of gratitude gave the grief some wings...After they held me in their embrace for a little while, off they flew, leaving me sighing contentedly.
Had been feeling rather shitty lately, but then yesterday something happened at work - or actually two things. Had my yearly work appraisal talk with my boss and I was shell shocked when I heard what she said. She said that she had heard lots of positive feedback from customers about me and in my PMS state, I almost cried. I tried to control myself, though my eyes got wet and I'm pretty sure she noticed it, but she said nothing about it.
All in all, it was a much better work appraisal than I could have ever thought. I got better marks compared to last year, but what really touched me was what the customers had said about me.
Actually, in the morning before the work appraisal talk happened, out of the blue a customer said to me, "You're a wonderful person." Though shocked to hear that, I thanked her right away. I don't remember ever doing something special or extra to her, so I had no idea why she said those words that day. I was just so speechless and when she left, I was left with wet eyes again.
You see, I had been rather bummed about the upcoming Mother's Day (unlike previous years). It just crossed my mind that nobody would ever buy me flowers or Mother's Day's card or make me a Mother's Day dinner or bring me a Mother's Day's cake or whatever. I suspect that the trigger is the fact that one close friend is currently pregnant for the second time and that another one has started TTC this year.
And there I was, behind the counter of the supermarket where I worked, wondering if the job I was doing was making an impact on anyone, wondering if what I had been doing was enough or too much or whatever. Basically wondering about my place in the world and my role(s) in life. I didn't even realize how much validation I needed at that time until I heard the woman's positive feedback and my boss' words.
They just blew my mind...and today when I was digesting all that happened yesterday, I felt God's voice whispering at my ear, "You are precious in my eyes just as you are. Just keep doing your best and share my light with others." And I broke down and cried...
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