I'm PMSing at the moment and I've been a crybaby (as usual, getting touched so easily/crying so easily if I see/watch/read a touching event/story). The other day I saw a touching scene on TV between a mother and her daughter and I instantly shed some tears without any twinge, any pain, any grief on my part.
There was an instant when I thought to myself, "Oh, how beautiful it is to be able to have that moment with your own child" but it was more like a moment when you see someone else's magnificent photos (your not being a photographer yourself nor do you attempt to be a photographer) and you're so touched by their beauty that you can't help blurting out, "WOW! To be able to witness all those moments/places and to be able to capture them in their glory must be something!"
I want to write this down for future use, as this is the first time I've felt something like this. That moment surely felt surreal.
That said, I felt something when I saw an article on myself in the newspaper (it covers Lapland). You see, a few weeks ago a reporter contacted me because he was writing an article on expats in Lapland and I agreed to be interviewed. I assumed he was covering other expats, too. Turned out the article was only about me (Doh! My introvert side cringed!). Anyway, during the interview I told him that we had no kids because the interview was also about what kind of services that expats needed or what challenges expats were facing. I mentioned our childless state to let him know that I couldn't give any input in terms of daycare/school and stuff like that. And no, he didn't ask why we were childless.
The article came out last week and when I read the part where "she and her husband have no kids", I felt something. I searched my heart to figure out what I was feeling...I believe it was fear/worry. Fear/worry of being judged by random people. It was hard not to wonder what the article readers thought about that sole fact. It was one thing to let selected people/my regular customers know that we have no kids, but I have no clue who else the readers of the article could be and how many of them had read the article. It was not only the scale of the article (as opposed to talking one-to-one), but also the fact that it was written in black-and-white for the public eye to see, I suppose.
However, funnily enough I was also somewhat glad that the article mentioned my age (the reporter was very polite, he even asked me for permission first if he could ask about my age or not with a very apologetic look on his face he he he...), because people here think I'm younger than my real age. Even though people here don't pry about children as much as Indo people, a few of them have blurted out, "Ah, you still have time" when I told them that we had no kids (without giving further explanation).
Found this video clip by accident and when I started listening to the song, it was so moving that I found myself crying despite the fact that I had no clue what the lyrics were about.
Take a listen without continuing to read the rest of my post or reading the comment section below the youtube video clip and see how it makes you feel.
Funny thing was that this song made me feel like it was being sung to my non-existent children. Like a song of longing for them...it was such a weird feeling, but it was impossible to stop my tears from falling down.
Then I clicked on another link which included a full video clip of the audition plus the translation. Turned out the singer is an adopted child and he was mourning the loss of his best friends three years ago and then he heard his friend's response in the form of this song. The song is a jojk/joik, a traditional form of Sami singing, but the lyrics have no meaning.
I listened to this song a few times and each time it was impossible not to cry. I've bookmarked it in my youtube songlist so that it's easy for me to find it next time I feel like reaching out to my non-existent children. :-)
Here's the other video clip (full audition) with the translation:
The other day I think I had my first experience of crying with so much gratitude that my heart felt like it was going to burst mixed with some grief over the losses of a life as a non-mother. It was bittersweet. The tears didn't run too long, but it was cleansing. :-)
The triggers? The gratitude came from hearing positive feedback about myself from different people including from MIL. I was SO touched and thankful to be able to hear those words, but at the same time I realized how much more they meant to me because I'm not a mother. Only after I heard the words did I realize that I had actually been waiting for some confirmation that I was doing something right as a non-mom. Like I was secretly wishing that the universe would give me signs that what I was doing in the community was enough even if I could never become a mother.
The grief came much later that day while I was reading a manga series that dealt with cute little twins (a boy and a girl) that I had subscribed to (I had been reading it since ages ago and it's still not finished yet). Reading about their antics and how they grew not just in size but also in many different areas in life made me feel sad because I could never watch my own child(ren) grow. And that was when I remembered the positive feedback from all those people which counterbalanced my grief. It felt surreal.
It was probably the first time when I cried tears of grief that didn't weigh upon my chest. Instead, the feeling of gratitude gave the grief some wings...After they held me in their embrace for a little while, off they flew, leaving me sighing contentedly.
Had a restful and lovely quality time with hubby on our cabin trip yesterday, saw a bloody gorgeous sunset at around midnight, and then came home and found a message from my bro, asking me to give him ideas for a baby boy's names with the meanings.
I was nicely surprised and I went browsing for baby boy names and I realized how daunting the task was, even when it was for someone else's baby (or maybe it's harder 'coz I have no idea what kind of names they want to give the baby) he he he he...but bottom line is, my heart has been really warm 'coz I was given an opportunity to be involved in the baby even before he's born. It doesn't really matter even if my bro and his wife decide to choose a different name than the ones I suggested, but I just realize that this is something I haven't really mourned yet until I was given a chance to participate in the task. Infertility is really strange...and here I am writing this post with tears running down my cheeks - not of sadness, but I'm ABSOLUTELY TOUCHED!!!!!!!! Bless my bro!!! My cup runneth over...
Anyway, let me share this gorgeous sunset that I saw last night...
Today hubby was rearranging some stuff in our living room cabinets 'coz we just moved in to our new home at the end of January. He was moving some stuff when he decided to browse through our wedding album again. He had a joyful, sentimental smile on his face while he leafed through the album and then he said, "Oh look, what a cute girl!"
He leafed through some more pages and said with a cheeky smile, "Lucky bastard!" (referring to himself jokingly)
I smiled, too...after he finished browsing through the album, he came towards me (who was at that time lying down on our soft, comfortable sofa-bed) and hugged me and said, "I love you".
I couldn't help the tears from flowing. It was a LONG journey for us until we could be together as husband-and-wife. With tears free-flowing on my cheeks, I hugged him, kissed him, and said, "I love you too. Look where are are now! I can't believe it's over 10 years ago when we first got in touch with each other through the internet."
He let me go, looked me in my eyes, wiped my tears, and said, "Don't cry!"
I replied, "But these are tears of joy. I'm just happy!"
We hugged and kissed some more...moments like these are really precious...Looking back at what we've gone through to reach this point has made me realized how ABUNDANT God's blessings have been for us. And my heart is full of gratitude...because I have my beloved, precious hubby with me.
I knew I loved him before I met him...I hope we can keep growing closer to each other as time goes by NO MATTER WHAT comes our way.
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