*cross-posted with my other blog*
The other day at work an old lady came to pay for her groceries, but she said to me that she didn't want the milk carton that she took 'coz she had taken the wrong one. Mind you that the milk section was at the back of the store, so I told her to just leave it at the cashier so that I could return it to the original place later on.
After serving a few more customers, there was nobody in line, so I took the milk carton and ran to the back of the store 'coz I didn't want the next customers to wait too long for me to get back. While running on the fourth aisle with the milk carton in my hand, I spotted a little girl in the middle. She was standing there in the middle of the aisle, halfway between me and where the rest of the milk was at the back of the store.
We locked our gaze at one point and we realized who it was we were looking at. She's this little girl who's been really friendly to me ever since we met at the store 1,5 years ago. Her parents are also very friendly and she has a little sister. At that time, her parents and little sister were near the milk section.
Anyway, when the little girl saw me, she smiled so widely and started RUNNING towards me with arms wide open...In my hurry, I couldn't break her heart. She probably thought that I was running towards her!!! (FYI: She did this once when they were at the store and she saw me from afar) So when we were close to each other, I stopped, knelt down, and gave her a hug.
I was a bit worried what her parents might think of me hugging her, but from the side of my eyes, I could see them turning around at us and laughing. Phew!!! She really made my day that day! :-D Before then, all we had ever exchanged were words and smiles and occasionally I gave them some candies he he...
Anyhow, here are some photos I took with my mobile camera (not such good quality), but anyway...
2nd pic: The sun peeping from behind the trees at around 2.30 pm yesterday. Felt marvelous to be able to see it again after such a long time!
3rd pic: The back of a hotel in Sodankylä.
4th pic: Very light pinkish sky.
The other day had a chat with one close friend who's still single. She avoided any talk about IF 'coz she knew how badly it affected me in the past and she didn't want to see me hurt. During the chat, I managed to tell her that I was doing MUCH MUCH better now and that talking about IF wouldn't do me any harm.
She then confided that when I was down in my battle with IF, it crossed her mind that in a way, she was also "an infertile" 'coz she couldn't possibly have kids without having a hubby first. (Well, of course in reality she CAN do that if she wants to, but her Mom and family members would probably be against it.) She said that she didn't want to tell me that she also felt down thinking about her own situation when I was telling her about my IF battle 'coz she didn't want me to have any extra burden of thought other than the ones I had when I was down.
Now that I'm at this stage of almost-full surrender (read: I don't talk anymore about baby programs nor do I think of future plans involving babies, but when AF is near, I still harbor the feeling of not wanting it to come. I can also feel VERY HAPPY for other IFers who get pregnant without questioning God about anything. I've also felt OK thinking about the future without kids even to the point that I believe life'll still be as beautiful, if not more), it's clearer to me that the impact of IF is really widespread. I know at least one married close friend who felt guilty for not wanting to have kids yet when I confided to her my darkest moments when facing IF.
I have stopped feeling guilty about many things and I'm more wary now about putting unnecessary guilt on my shoulders. That doesn't mean to say that I don't care about my friends' feelings, but I hope that through my struggle, they can also find their peace - just as I have found my peace.
Talking about work, I had a very sweet moment before I went back home last Friday. Just as I was saying goodbye to all the kids, one of them ran towards me to give me a hug. Naturally I knelt down so that it would be easier for her to hug me. Upon seeing us, three other kids jumped in to give us a group hug and one of them started giggling and saying, "You can't go home, you can't go, you can't go" and the other two chimed in (giggling all the way). I almost fell down 'coz of the group hug and they wouldn't let me go for quite some time he he he he...Finally they did let me go, though...and my heart was SO full of gratitude...
I've started wondering these days who needs who more: the kids or me? Maybe now I need them more than they need me, 'coz they just melt my heart with their unexpected hugs and warmth. And it feels even better 'coz I know they have no "hidden agenda" when they give me warmth and hugs. It's just because they feel like it. Mmmmm...life is really beautiful...
Today I received some hugs from some kids at the daycare when I told them "see ya tomorrow". One of them ran towards me, so I knelt down and she "jumped" into my arms and another one followed suit. I didn't expect that, so it was a nice surprise. When another one saw what had happened, he came close and gave a quick hug, which made me topple over backward. I managed to push a small table when I toppled over due to the impact of those kids' hugs.
This incident made me feel SO warm inside, but at the same time I felt a pinch in my heart, in that hidden corner of my heart. This hidden corner echoed this thought: "It feels SO great to receive hugs from other people's kids, how much more WONDERFUL it'd be to get them from your own children!"
Gasp!!! I went to my locker and was almost crying. Dang!!! And I'm not even having my PMS 'coz I'm having my last day of menstruation today. I dread the day when my training ends at this daycare 'coz it's gonna take so much strength to be able to stop myself from crying when I have to say goodbye to these kids. Ugh...Heaven help me when that day arrives 'coz I don't want to cry in front of them - they may be confused and worried if they see me cry and then I would end up crying even more - which would make them feel even more worried! ARGH!!!!
