Yesterday I said goodbye to the kids at the daycare and THANK GOD I didn't shed any tears. They made me a farewell card and the teacher gave me a little gift and we hugged and she told me to come by anytime I felt bored at home.
I'm glad that I could let go peacefully. It helped A LOT that I had had my period a few days before the farewell day and that the kids who were closest to me weren't there that day - some of them have started their summer holiday with their parents.
Right now my future is a complete sheet of blank paper. Because I can't do this type of training anymore, my choices are starting my own business, going back to school (or more like applying to go back to school next month if they are still accepting students to enroll), or try to find a job. However, I'm NOT going to think about anything yet 'coz I just want to enjoy the present. I want to just enjoy summer and do a major clean-up of the house as well as learn how to plant seeds.
Anyway, speaking of infertility, I think I haven't written about this one negative thought that occurred when I was so down while battling infertility. Due to the fact that I was so bad at taking care of some cactus that my MIL gave me, my brain attacked me with this thought: "Just look at how incapable you are at taking care of the cactus. No wonder God hasn't given you any kids 'coz you're not even able to take care of the kind of plant which is supposed to be easy to take care of."
Yeah, extreme self-blame as an effort to understand the whys and the wherefores. I'm glad I've stopped asking why. The quest to find out the answer(s) of that question is an impossible one.
Right now I'm just savoring all the memories I've had with the kids at the daycare. Goodbye is a natural phase of life - sometimes it's a forced occasion, sometimes not. I'm just going with the flow, trying to enjoy each season of life as best as I can.
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Yep...not going to think of the last day when I have to say goodbye to the kids at the daycare. I'm just going to believe that I'll be fine 'coz I've got so many people praying for me so that I can control my tears in front of the kids. They're "on a loan" for a short period of time only - the angels that are funny, cute, challenging, creative, smart, witty - and when it's time to part with them, it's time to part with them.
One friend of mine said that even if I could have continued my training there, I would have to part with the kids anyway at one point. She was right. Rather than focusing too much on my loss, I should just think of all the fond memories I've created with the kids. And I've been playing out those memories in my head - all those beautiful memories with them.
I've learned that it feels SO GOOD to be able to hold a child in your arms - even if that child is not your own child. Especially if that child is not your own child and he or she asks you to hold him/her in your arms. And to hear his/her laughter when I twirl them around is just such a heartwarming blessing that I never thought I could have. To have a child kiss and lick my cheeks unexpectedly...to have a child ask me to read a book...to have a child ask me to tie her hair up...to be able to have a sneak peek into a mother's life...such precious experiences.
Note to self: I shall NOT deny any sorrow or grief and I WILL let myself have enough time to grieve, but I WILL NOT let myself drown in my sorrow or grief. If I can't get out of that mud hole myself, I WILL get help.
Yeah, the stab of longing is back after I hadn't felt it in a long while. During our two-week holiday in Rhodes, I saw MANY MANY pregnant women, but at that time I still didn't feel any stab of longing. I was happy to see their bulging bellies and glowing aura. Now I know why I felt happy for them. It was 'coz I was still thinking that I could continue doing my training at the daycare once my current training contract was over. So in my mind during that holiday, I thought that I'd still have at least 4 more months with the kids at the daycare instead of only one more month left.
Now that I know I can't continue doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.
It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...
This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the belief that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...
Letting go is so hard...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.
P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I WILL NOT cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm BEGGING YOU not to let me cry in front of them!!!
Today I received some hugs from some kids at the daycare when I told them "see ya tomorrow". One of them ran towards me, so I knelt down and she "jumped" into my arms and another one followed suit. I didn't expect that, so it was a nice surprise. When another one saw what had happened, he came close and gave a quick hug, which made me topple over backward. I managed to push a small table when I toppled over due to the impact of those kids' hugs.
This incident made me feel SO warm inside, but at the same time I felt a pinch in my heart, in that hidden corner of my heart. This hidden corner echoed this thought: "It feels SO great to receive hugs from other people's kids, how much more WONDERFUL it'd be to get them from your own children!"
Gasp!!! I went to my locker and was almost crying. Dang!!! And I'm not even having my PMS 'coz I'm having my last day of menstruation today. I dread the day when my training ends at this daycare 'coz it's gonna take so much strength to be able to stop myself from crying when I have to say goodbye to these kids. Ugh...Heaven help me when that day arrives 'coz I don't want to cry in front of them - they may be confused and worried if they see me cry and then I would end up crying even more - which would make them feel even more worried! ARGH!!!!
The other day I heard from a friend about our mutual friend's 3rd miscarriage. She's 39 years old and she has a 2-year-old daughter. The first pregnancy went very well, so it was shocking to hear that she's had 3 miscarriages within a year (or even a little less than a year). I can't imagine how she feels, but I can relate to the feeling of having to mourn over and over and over again.
One thought came across my mind when I heard the news: "I'm GLAD I haven't been pregnant during the time she's been trying to have a second child." This was a rather peculiar thought IMO, as though my un-pregnancy state would somehow made her feel better.
I hope gynos can figure out what's wrong with her 'coz she didn't have any problem during her first pregnancy (and she got pregnant within 6 months already) and I still hope that she can get pregnant again and carry it full term.
About the work front: After helping out at the daycare for 2 weeks (where I don't get any salary except for some unemployment benefit from the government), I'm not sure anymore if I'm meant to be a mother to be honest. In a different way, I realize how TOUGH it is to parent a child. Although there have been WONDERFUL, heartwarming moments, there are times I'm confused as to what to do and I just hope there are guide books. I know the fact that my friends who are mothers also struggle with finding out the best ways to deal with their kids and hone their potential.
Funnily enough, that does NOT stop me from wishing that my period wouldn't come, although I didn't feel disappointed when my period did finally come.
Anyway, one other thing that came into my head after helping out at the daycare was this: "It's amazing to think of the responsibility and honour to be able to find out each child's potential and hone it." It just is. To be able to influence a child's life and help him/her bloom is a wonderful opportunity, but in order to do that, one has to understand the child first.
Today was the first day of training in a daycare. I met around 10 kids altogether, all speaking Finnish. They are 4-5 years old. It's interesting to see their different personalities even on the first day. Some are more aggressive than others, some are very shy, some are very sweet.
But that's not what I want to record here. Today I also met a fellow IF. It's the teacher in the classroom where I was helping out. She is 20 years older than me. She asked me my age at some point and then she asked whether I had kids. When I said, "Not yet" she then said that she didn't have kids, either. She's been married for 30 years without any success. She did get pregnant once, but had a miscarriage. Then she added, "But it's okay 'coz I work in a daycare and I get to meet lots of kids daily."
When I first met her and I saw how she handled the kids, I was honestly thinking that she was probably a mother with at least a few kids of her own 'coz it all looked SO natural and she really knew what to do or say to control the kids and she just knew how to soothe them...BOY was I WRONG!!!
I sincerely lit up when I heard about her story (we were talking while supervising the kids), 'coz I felt, "Ah, that woman understands how I feel 'coz she's been there!"
I must say that doing this training in a daycare brings joy to me, too, but it does also tickle a part of me that thinks: "Hmmm...I wonder how they can touch me even more deeply if they were my kids?" But gladly that question didn't open up the wormhole of other questions. I just feel happy and excited to be helping out in this place, esp. 'coz there's a very sweet boy there and one of them asked me, "Are you coming again tomorrow?" after I said goodbye when my work was done he he he...
It's amazing to feel those places inside me that those kids could touch just with their simple words or hugs or their funny actions. I've never found it elsewhere - maybe this is what IFers long for...that sugary-sweet-mushy-mushy feelings that only kids can bring about.
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