PMS Mode

Last night I watched "The Accidental Husband" (Uma Thurman, Jeffrey Dean Morgan) 'coz I was in the mood to watch a light, romantic comedy. The movie itself was what I had expected, but what really made me feel disappointed was the ending. Disappointment may not be the correct term, though. 

How to put it? Ummm...well, first of all if I have to explain it here, I have to give a SPOILER ALERT first, so if you're interested in watching the movie, stop reading NOW!!!

Btw, here's the imdb link to the movie: The Accidental Husband. 





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Okay...now I can continue in peace...

As in many others romantic comedies, you can sort of guess the ending, but what really got me was the last minute of the movie, where it showed a bulging belly and the hubby and the wife shared a special look of fondness between them.


I was wondering what on earth made me want to say, "Oh for goodness sake!!!" when I saw it. 

I was like...what? Why did I feel like that?

It's not like I want to be pregnant anymore (in fact, I'm not so sure I want kids anymore - though I suspect a great degree of this feeling may be affected by self-defense mechanism, but the bottom line is that we're used to thinking of the future without kids for the past 1,5 years). So it wasn't because of envy or anything like that. 


I searched my soul and heart and mind and realized that what bothered me was the fact that the movie propagates that THE ultimate happy ending for a couple to have is when there's an additional family member coming in the form of a child/children. 


I was groaning inside after I saw the ending. Why couldn't they just leave it without the bulging belly? The last minute of the movie made me feel like what we have now is "less than". 

I know this may be PMS mood talking, but to be honest I'm tired of people's "silent/not-so-silent" hope that we can still have kids in the future (that we still have time). 

How can you make them understand that it's not about having time still? That miracles do happen, but that doesn't necessarily mean you want it to happen to you anymore - not that specific miracle anyway (but you believe that you've been granted so many other types of miracles and that's more than enough)? Nor do you believe that that specific pregnancy miracle will happen to you anyway? 

That their hope of a surprise preggy does nothing to make you feel better (not that I need them to make me feel better anyway 'coz I do love and am enjoying my life to the fullest and I have learnt to live life without kids much better than expected and that they should rejoice with me because hell, it ain't easy to reach this stage)? In fact, that kind of hope doesn't really affect me in any other way other than make me feel that they just don't understand? Oh well...let me just stop ranting...On normal days, I know that I won't feel this way, but I just feel like ranting now he he he...

The Talk

The other night before we fell asleep, I started "the talk" with hubby. Here's our convo:

Me: "What's more important for you: being a Dad or having your own flesh-and-blood?"

Hubby: "Dunno."

Me: "Okay, how about this...do you still want to have kids?"

Hubby was quiet...probably trying to think of how to answer the question without hurting my feelings (which I'm VERY grateful for!).

Me: "Do you feel this way: 'If babies come, then they're very welcome, but if they don't come, then it's fine, too'?"

Hubby: "Yes."

Me: "Actually I also feel that way, 'coz I don't want to be obsessed anymore. Life's good, anyway, right?"

Hubby: "Yes."

I felt GLAD after we had our talk and I knew he felt glad too. I'm HAPPY 'coz we're on the same page and none of us needs to feel the burden of knowing that the other one is still so desperate in TTC.

On the other hand, it still feels like there's this little voice in me asking, "Does it mean that we're giving up?" I certainly don't know. I mean, I do still have that wish to have a baby (esp. if I see pics of my friends' babies), but I start wondering if we're really meant to be parents. Well, at least our sex life has gotten MUCH better than when we were still so actively TTC (with no result) and we'd definitely continue making love 'coz sex is a part of marriage that we want to keep alive. Anyhow, even if we do look like we're giving up, it's our life and it's our choice, anyway, and other people should respect our decision.

I'm not really waiting for God's timing or miracle anymore (at least these days I don't feel that way in terms of having a child/children). I'm just holding on to Him, knowing that He has the best plans for us. I do my best to keep counting all the little and medium and big blessings that He's poured upon us. I don't know what the journey will be like 'coz I have the feeling that it's still a long journey (after reading many blogs stating that even after they stop TTC due to age, they still feel some grief or sorrow left when they're reminded of their lost dreams) and this blog will be the witness of that journey. :-)))


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