Oases in the Desert

When I shared our IF "conclusion" to people (that we've surrendered to life without kids), there was a few people who didn't say all the wrong things. 

One person said, "I'm really happy for you that you have surrendered to God on this matter." This person is the mother of three and grandmother to six. Yeah. GO GRANDMA! My eyes got wet when I got her reply 'coz that was the last thing I expected from her. I was just SO touched!

Another person said, "I think it's really something that the both of you can surrender on this matter and I'm happy for you." This person had a hysterectomy at a young age and is now a mother of an adopted child. 

And then there's one close friend who wrote this email the other day (a mother of one):

"It's very tricky to know what to say to people when they tell you about their dreams - such as when they're longing to find a spouse or longing to have a baby/children, because if you don't know them well enough, you don't know where they're standing in their journeys. 

I mean, I know you and I know where you're standing in terms of your IF journey and I'll never think of saying hopeful things to you. So I'll never ever say to you in passing that I hope you can still have a child."

Ah...those voices are like oases in the IF desert...and for what it's worth, I really love getting a perspective from "the other side", from those people who're confused on what to say but they care enough to know what to say without hurting anyone. Because I'll admit it myself...before being thrown into IF, I would probably have said "the wrong things" myself to those people in my situation.

I think it's important to write these down so that I remember these oases in the IF desert and I remember to be thankful for them. :-D




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When Tragedy Strikes

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death much better than my infertility. First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

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When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life though other people didn't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's a disenfranchise grief and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

Then I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about them 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had no valid reason to be grieving in the first place. But then again I couldn't deny the grief that I felt. And the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

What helped the most was probably surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

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Well-Intentioned People

I was talking to an IF friend about the fact that we had stopped "actively" trying to have a baby. She said she had also reached that point, but she still got annoyed at all the ass-vices and questions that "good intentioned" and or "nosy" people directed at her. After all, in Indo it's pretty common for people to ask questions about babies 'coz it's still "taboo" for couples to live together before marriage and when they do get married, they're "expected" to have babies soon. But then again if they get a baby "too fast", they'll also be talking about it behind their backs. Indo society is still like that.

I live in Finland and the culture here is different, so I'm rather safe from other people's questions and ass-vices. However, I'm RELUCTANT to go back to Indo now that we've been married for over 3 years 'coz when I go back there again, I'd have to deal with my IF scars again and again and again. My parents' neighbours will definitely ask me about "when are you going to have a baby?" or "still no baby yet?" and even though we're not actively TTC anymore, that doesn't mean that such a question is a welcome.

Just now I got an SMS from a friend who asked me (for the umpteenth time) when I'd get pregnant. I didn't feel the sting that I felt when he asked that question to me beforehand, so I just wrote back: "Only God knows whether I'm ever going to be a mother or not. Right now I'm helping out at a daycare and I'm happy."

Another ex-elementary school friend posted her baby's 4D ultrasound pics in Facebook and I told her that he looked like an angel. She then said, "Come on and make one quickly." I'm happy to say that I was in a good mood, so I didn't feel anything bad when I read her response. I just replied like this, "We're diligent in making it he he he..." However, if I lived in Indo and MANY MANY people kept on saying that to me, I may be bothered still. Or at least fed up.

I've been thinking about WHY those well-intentioned and nosy people's questions might still bother us, even though we've surrendered to the possibility that maybe we'll never have our own kids. Here are some answers that I've found:

1. When other people say "why don't we try this and that?", it makes us feel like there's something WRONG with our state of "surrender". It DOES make sense that they want to "help" 'coz they'd naturally assume that we want to have kids, but when we've reached that point of surrender, when they keep on asking such a question, it feels like our decision is not respected.

Reaching that decision alone has produced enough conflicting thoughts and emotions inside us, so listening to other people's questions only makes us feel defensive. Because in turn it makes us FEEL like we have to defend our decision and it's going to take a LONG time to explain to them why we've reached that decision and there's NO guarantee at all that our long and winding explanation will make understand what we've been through. So that thought alone makes us frustrated, coupled with the fact that it's not our fave topic to share with others (why we've come to that decision), esp. if they're not really close with us.

In Indo, the "easiest way" to answer this question would be, "Just keep on praying for us", but after being asked again and again and again, you'll get fed up anyway and would want to pretend not to hear that question.

2. Somehow when other people insinuate that we should do "more" to be able to conceive, it makes us feel as though we're NOT ENOUGH in society's eyes, like there's something that we need to FIX. They don't understand that just the two of us can be a complete family already, EVEN IF at first we had also shared with them that we wished to have kids.

That's all I can come up with for now...we'll see if I can find other reasons later on.

P.S. LOVE this graphic below!!! God does answer prayers in many ways, sometimes in ways that we don't like he he...

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Surrendering Our Wish

When we first decided not to take any tests or do any medical treatments, it did occur to me that it feels like we're giving up. Even a friend was wondering why we didn't even try to go to the gyno. Well, I remember what one friend said (she's been TTC for almost 5 years with one m/c), "We've gotta keep on trying while surrendering to God's will."

Is that possible? TTC without obsessing at all, esp. during the 2ww (2 week wait)? I DO really want it to happen, though: TTC without obsessing, with as little emotional roller-coaster as possible. That'd feel like heaven!!!

That was one of the reasons I didn't want to do any medical treatments. I have a bit of obsessiveness inside me and especially when I have nothing else to do at home (no job training or course and just staying home with no kids to take care of), it's SO easy to obsess over every little symptom that I experience during the 2ww.

I'm tired of obsessing over the little details and then feeling grief and sorrow and disappointment all over again. Most of all, though, I'm tired of taking other people's words so personally and being defensive, 'coz in the end it makes me feel SO guilty if I can't control myself and I "snap" at other people, esp. if those people are my close friends who mean well and who're just at a loss on what to say.

So I said to myself, "Kill it before it grows!!!" Thus the decision. Good thing hubby supports me. This month is the first month in 20 months of TTC that I don't know what CD (calendar date) it is. Yesterday I met someone in Facebook and added her and she asked me if I had had a son (she obviously saw a pic of me with my brother's son) and I could answer her question without the sting of self-pity and without being reactive.

I realize that during this IF roller-coaster, esp. when you're so very actively TTC (trying everything humanly possible) and hurting so much inside and feeling a degree of loneliness in the process, it's so easy to be reactive to other people and to take things so personally, either to those who are fellow IFers or those who aren't.

I don't want to feel too much pain anymore - heaven help me - 'coz if I'm bleeding profusely inside every single month, how can I share my love with other people (not just with fellow IFers, but also with others who get pregnant easily)? I don't want to keep on asking "why" when I know that I won't probably know the answers until much later - or maybe only after I'm face-to-face with God when I die. I want to make the best out of this life, out of myself.

Here's a message I got in Facebook yesterday (via A Message from God):

On this day, God wants you to know.....that you deserve happiness just because. There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy.

Right on. That's exactly what I want. I want to be happy without setting any requirement whatsoever - with or without a baby.

Image taken from http://www.glitter-graphics.com/