When I read it, I smiled so widely 'coz I felt that it really fit IFers in a special way! :-D
Monday, January 23, 2012
Quote of the Day
Found it here: Live Passionately
When I read it, I smiled so widely 'coz I felt that it really fit IFers in a special way! :-D
When I read it, I smiled so widely 'coz I felt that it really fit IFers in a special way! :-D
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Quote of the Day
"Not every infertility story
ends happily with a baby.
Some end pretty happily
without one."
- Jeanette DeMain
ends happily with a baby.
Some end pretty happily
without one."
- Jeanette DeMain
To read the whole post, go here: Quitting Childlessness.
Monday, January 16, 2012
When Tragedy Strikes
The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.
Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death much better than my infertility. First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.
When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life though other people didn't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's a disenfranchise grief and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.
Then I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about them 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.
But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive.
However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had no valid reason to be grieving in the first place. But then again I couldn't deny the grief that I felt. And the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.
To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).
What helped the most was probably surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us).
Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D
Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death much better than my infertility. First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.
When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life though other people didn't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's a disenfranchise grief and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.
Then I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about them 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.
But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive.
However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had no valid reason to be grieving in the first place. But then again I couldn't deny the grief that I felt. And the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.
To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).
What helped the most was probably surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us).
Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D
Sunday, January 8, 2012
This Year Started With A Bang
*cross-posted with my other blog*
Yesterday I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.
The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.
Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.
The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.
When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.
It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.
I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.
Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...
P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.
Yesterday I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.
The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.
Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.
The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.
When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.
It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.
I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.
Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...
P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmassy Thoughts
Spent the night at my MIL's place. Had a lovely, peaceful Christmas. BIL and SIL came over for a few hours. We had the Finnish traditional Christmas food then played cards, but then BIL went with SIL to celebrate Christmas with SIL's family. We continued playing cards just the three of us while watching Funniest Home Videos on TV.
At one point the announcer said, "This woman will soon get the best Christmas gift ever!" while the screen showed an older woman opening a Christmas gift. Not long after that, she screamed to a younger woman (probably her daughter), "You're PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?!"
She jumped to her feet, hugged the younger woman, shrieked in joy some more, and the others also followed suit to congratulate her and her husband.
That moment I felt robbed of that kind of joy because I can't give that kind of joy to my mother or my MIL. No guilt involved, though. Just felt robbed of that opportunity. It makes me a tad tender inside. Good thing our Christmas rituals don't involve any kids (MIL's two grandsons are already big boys and they live too far away to spend Christmas together).
Other than that, I had a blast tricking hubby again by disguising his gift. ;-D I packed lots of salmiac and candies into a big box plus a new Dean Koontz novel that I knew he hadn't bought yet (he's a big fan of Koontz). He had no idea that I had put a novel in between the candies. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Can't wait to spend New Year with MIL and hubby again. More card playing and laughing, that's for sure! Oh, and I got a gift card from hubby, so I just ordered Silent Sorority and two other novels. Can't wait to read it!!! :-D
P.S. Got a lovely surprise from a customer at work. He bought me a pot of pointsettia! Really thoughtful! SO THANKFUL for people like him on earth...
At one point the announcer said, "This woman will soon get the best Christmas gift ever!" while the screen showed an older woman opening a Christmas gift. Not long after that, she screamed to a younger woman (probably her daughter), "You're PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?!"
She jumped to her feet, hugged the younger woman, shrieked in joy some more, and the others also followed suit to congratulate her and her husband.
That moment I felt robbed of that kind of joy because I can't give that kind of joy to my mother or my MIL. No guilt involved, though. Just felt robbed of that opportunity. It makes me a tad tender inside. Good thing our Christmas rituals don't involve any kids (MIL's two grandsons are already big boys and they live too far away to spend Christmas together).
Other than that, I had a blast tricking hubby again by disguising his gift. ;-D I packed lots of salmiac and candies into a big box plus a new Dean Koontz novel that I knew he hadn't bought yet (he's a big fan of Koontz). He had no idea that I had put a novel in between the candies. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Can't wait to spend New Year with MIL and hubby again. More card playing and laughing, that's for sure! Oh, and I got a gift card from hubby, so I just ordered Silent Sorority and two other novels. Can't wait to read it!!! :-D
P.S. Got a lovely surprise from a customer at work. He bought me a pot of pointsettia! Really thoughtful! SO THANKFUL for people like him on earth...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It's Not About Me
I've been blessed beyond belief by Sara's post in her blog. Sara passed away a little while ago, but her words speak are really inspirational and I'm glad I can still reread them in her blog.
Without further ado, hope you also enjoy Sara's post entitled "It's Not About Me". Even though it's non IF related, but I think it rings true for everybody who feels that life is unfair and I hope you're also blessed by the post.
Without further ado, hope you also enjoy Sara's post entitled "It's Not About Me". Even though it's non IF related, but I think it rings true for everybody who feels that life is unfair and I hope you're also blessed by the post.
Monday, December 5, 2011
What A Luxury!
* cross-posted with my non-IF blog *
Spent the night at MIL's house 'coz R2 had to go to Rovaniemi for 2 days, so after work on Saturday I went straight there. We played cards, had sauna, and we had some serious talk as well about different topics.
All of a sudden she started talking about the past and FIL then started crying. And she made my eyes wet as well. After spending so much time taking care of the kids, farm, cows, her own mother and then her own in-laws, she had wanted to enjoy the rest of her life with her hubby.
Now that my FIL has been taken to an old people's house (his Alzheimer has gotten even worse), she can't even enjoy that luxury anymore. Not that she doesn't want to. She said that she was still thinking if she could still take him back home, but she can't do it on her own and she can't afford having someone to live with them to help her take care of him. You see, the other week she visited FIL and then FIL said that he felt like he was nothing, a nobody. I almost wished that he would lose more consciousness so that he wouldn't think about anything like this anymore, you know? But then I wonder if that's such a great wish...sigh...
Anyway, MIL sprained her arm and then last week she sprained her leg and she realized that she had to accept reality. Due to the arm and leg sprains, she hadn't been out for a few days and when we visited FIL yesterday (together with R2), the nurse said that he had eaten very little that day. Both the nurse and MIL were wondering if he didn't want to eat properly 'coz of longing. MIL brought some bread and homemade salted salmon filet, bananas, and also yoghurt and so we waited for FIL to eat them all (he could still hold bread and bananas himself, but MIL fed him the yoghurt). And he did eat them all with gusto, I must say.
Then MIL told FIL that she had to go for almost a week to Rovaniemi 'coz they have this program for the elderly that offers exercise program and it's good for her to be able to join this kind of activity. And after FIL heard that, his eyes went wet and I almost wanted to cry...I left the room to give MIL and FIL some time for themselves and R2 also left the room, as well. It was just heartbreaking...Wish I could do more for MIL and FIL, but there's only so much one person can do...
Sniff, sniff...anyway, last night when we went back home, it hit me with a different force than before how luxurious it is for me and R2 to be able to live together under the same roof, to be able to give and take, to be able to enjoy life together. How much we take for granted the life that we have together, every single day...each breath we take, each step we take...day in, day out...how I should cherish these moments while they last...
This is the promise I hold dear...
glitter-graphics.com
Spent the night at MIL's house 'coz R2 had to go to Rovaniemi for 2 days, so after work on Saturday I went straight there. We played cards, had sauna, and we had some serious talk as well about different topics.
All of a sudden she started talking about the past and FIL then started crying. And she made my eyes wet as well. After spending so much time taking care of the kids, farm, cows, her own mother and then her own in-laws, she had wanted to enjoy the rest of her life with her hubby.
Now that my FIL has been taken to an old people's house (his Alzheimer has gotten even worse), she can't even enjoy that luxury anymore. Not that she doesn't want to. She said that she was still thinking if she could still take him back home, but she can't do it on her own and she can't afford having someone to live with them to help her take care of him. You see, the other week she visited FIL and then FIL said that he felt like he was nothing, a nobody. I almost wished that he would lose more consciousness so that he wouldn't think about anything like this anymore, you know? But then I wonder if that's such a great wish...sigh...
Anyway, MIL sprained her arm and then last week she sprained her leg and she realized that she had to accept reality. Due to the arm and leg sprains, she hadn't been out for a few days and when we visited FIL yesterday (together with R2), the nurse said that he had eaten very little that day. Both the nurse and MIL were wondering if he didn't want to eat properly 'coz of longing. MIL brought some bread and homemade salted salmon filet, bananas, and also yoghurt and so we waited for FIL to eat them all (he could still hold bread and bananas himself, but MIL fed him the yoghurt). And he did eat them all with gusto, I must say.
Then MIL told FIL that she had to go for almost a week to Rovaniemi 'coz they have this program for the elderly that offers exercise program and it's good for her to be able to join this kind of activity. And after FIL heard that, his eyes went wet and I almost wanted to cry...I left the room to give MIL and FIL some time for themselves and R2 also left the room, as well. It was just heartbreaking...Wish I could do more for MIL and FIL, but there's only so much one person can do...
Sniff, sniff...anyway, last night when we went back home, it hit me with a different force than before how luxurious it is for me and R2 to be able to live together under the same roof, to be able to give and take, to be able to enjoy life together. How much we take for granted the life that we have together, every single day...each breath we take, each step we take...day in, day out...how I should cherish these moments while they last...
This is the promise I hold dear...
glitter-graphics.com
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