Been so busy with work and life. I'm actually PMSing at the moment and have been having trouble with my temper. I suppose with many more shifts and lots of hot days at work, I've been feeling sort of fed up with work and really looking forward to our holiday.
A coworker has been signed off for a few weeks and then yesterday she resigned from work. I had a feeling already that she wouldn't stay long with us. I have no idea what she's having because here in Finland it's unethical to tell other people about stuff like this, whereas in Indonesia stuff like this is considered normal to share. I was wondering if I should ask her through FB or not, but not sure anymore now that she's decided to quit. Her decision to quit means that the rest of us gets more shifts, which is rather difficult for me to handle because I know my own limits and it's getting rather straining to me these days (and PMS doesn't help). I am thankful that I still have a job, but I know that if I work too much, I won't be able to do my best at work (i.e. serve with a genuine smile and be intentional when serving people - instead, I'd just be counting down the hours until I can come back home).
glitter-graphics.com
Anyway, while struggling with my temper through work yesterday, I saw this gorgeous little boy. I almost couldn't take my eyes off him. He was seriously one of the more gorgeous children that I had ever seen. I felt like he'd fit a baby commercial. He was that gorgeous. He was staring at me intently and I tried saying hi to entice a smile, but no smile came, though it still didn't spoil my enjoyment he he...
Last Saturday I went to a coworker's graduation party and had one bingo question. Because I had to come earlier to the party (much earlier than the official time), I was the first and only guest there and her mom was in a talkative mood. We talked about many things, but of course in the beginning it was introductory time.
Mom: "So, do you have kids?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Ah, but you're still young..."
Me: (smile) "Nah, I'm not that young anymore."
Realizing I had rendered her speechless (a few awkward seconds ensued), I quickly added, "But that's fine."
To which she replied, "Oh, yes, that's definitely okay."
That's refreshing! :-D And then we continued talking about other stuff. A few days later I met that coworker at work and she thanked me for coming and apologized if her mother was too nosy. I told her that it was completely fine and that Indonesians were even much nosier than that.
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Yesterday when I rode my bike from work, I met a regular customer who always tried to chit-chat with me at work (a grandma). We rode our bikes side-by-side for the first time ever (the first time we had time to talk like that outside of my workplace) and talked about different stuff (holiday, summer, etc.). And of course she started asking about myself. She actually thought my husband was an Indonesian as well he he he he...but she didn't ask me about kids, though. She just asked me about my parents and siblings and husband. And after those questions she said, "I hope I'm not too nosy. Feel free to stop me if you feel that I'm intruding your privacy."
It's a whole new world compared to what I'm used to in Indonesia. I've had many other customers who sheepishly asked for permission first before they started asking me private questions like those. Funny how cultures can be SO different.
P.S. Oh yeah, the grandma also asked me how I met my husband and when I said the internet, she said, "Oh, maybe I should try to find a husband in the internet, as well. You know, give the grandkids a new grandpa." She laughed while saying that and it made me laugh, too he he he he...:-) Nice to have a good and light-hearted conversation.
P.P.S. Oh yeah, almost forgot...I found this article written by a Christian couple. In case someone wants to read it, I'm going to put it on my sidebar as well:
When I'm back in Indo later this year, I'll be signing a waiver. My brother has contacted a lawyer concerning this. When my mother dies, I'm not sure if I can go to Indo ASAP and to make things easier for my brother, it'll be more practical if I do this now when my mom's still alive. Besides, my brother who has two kids needs mom's inheritance more than me. My mom isn't rich, but the house and land that she owns (that they're living in at the moment) is worth quite some money because of its location.
Besides, it's not that I'm entitled to the inheritance anyway. After letting go of my Indonesian citizenship, I'm not entitled to any inheritance or to buying/having properties in Indonesia. However, because the bureaucracy in Indonesia can be quite messy, it's much better to have this kind of paperwork so that my brother won't have any trouble later on when my mom passes away.
glitter-graphics.com
When I got married, my mom gave me some of my childhood gifts from our relatives, such as a pair of gold earrings and a baby bracelet. She also gave me a necklace, a pair of earrings, and another antique bracelet. In the past I was holding on to them because I thought I could give them away to my own children as their inheritance, a piece of my mom's and my own history. When my brother got married, mom also gave his bride some jewelleries that she had kept for years.
Now that we don't have kids, I don't know anymore whom I should give those to. Or maybe I should just keep them in case I need some money in my old age - perhaps to cover the costs of my own funeral/cremation or something he he...
In Indonesia when a baby is born, some close relatives and close friends tend to give jewellery as a present. It doesn't matter even if the baby is a boy, because there are lots of gold baby jewelleries to choose from. I think the bottom line is that they want to give a long-lasting gift, which can also be sold later on if the parents need money. In Indonesia within the Chinese community there is no baby shower tradition (well, unless the mother is very modern and wants to copy this foreign tradition, that is).
People usually come flocking to visit the baby soon after he/she is born, bringing gifts. And at least within the Chinese community, the parents need to give back to those gift-giving people after the baby turns 30 or 40 days old. In the past the parents would send a cake or some food (chicken) ordered from a bakery/restaurants. Imagine having to send a few hundred cakes. Time consuming and expensive, no? But then again imagine receiving hundreds of baby gifts. The more people you know (at work, church, etc.) and the more relatives you have, the more people will come to visit you and your baby in the hospital. (This trend also applies to weddings - it's really hard to have small weddings there because the relatives that you don't invite may feel left out if they aren't invited)
These days, though, there are people who opt to be more practical. They'd pre-order some thank you gifts (a mug, some towels, etc.) and when the baby's born, the orders are made right away and given to the guests that come and bring gifts at the hospital. The only problem with this kind of practicality is: what if the baby doesn't make it? I have NO idea. My brother did this with his second son and when I read my mom's SMS about it, I shuddered. I didn't say anything because I felt like it was morbid to even say the words, but after the baby was born safely, I told her what I thought about this new trend and my mom shuddered at the thought, as well.
Anyway, enough rambling. This is what I made the other day that I've posted in my main blog (click to view a bigger size).
Back in the days when we were still in the throes of TTC, I found a baby face generator online and had fun with it. The baby produced was kinda weird, but still when one is still in dreamland, it just feels like a fun thing to do.
Note: I googled up "baby face generator" and found out that there were many more baby face generators these days and when I clicked on MorphThing, I couldn't help laughing because some people had combined crazy photos: for example Gollum with Marilyn Manson or Chewbacca with Christina Aguilera LOL LOL LOL!!!
OK, back to my point. Was talking to some ladies in an online forum and the thread made me realize something even more clearly. I just love these clarifying moments! :-D
You see, without actively searching for answers, I had always wondered why I didn't really feel any roller-coaster emotions when I saw my brother's baby photos or heard their stories or even when I came for a visit. On the contrary, when a close friend had her baby (the first biracial baby in my group of close friends), it was hard for me especially in the beginning. I knew that my friend's baby was/is more of a reminder of what we don't have, but my brain didn't really link this fact with my brother's kids. When I see my brother's kids, I don't see genetic reminders of what we've lost (which is probably good considering the fact that I don't have to battle any roller-coaster emotions whenever we meet).
To me, it's so hard to imagine our possible children's faces. Only God knows what they could have looked like: more Asian? More Finnish? 50-50? Or if we could have had more than one child, maybe one could be more Asian and the other more Finnish (I've seen many different combinations of Asian kids with foreign spouses)? Both may look more Asian or both may look more Finnish? Or maybe both may look 50-50 with different genetic contributions from each of us?
I remember one friend who had a hysterectomy (since the dating period she and the husband-to-be were already thinking of adopting children - yes, they want many children) tried that baby face generator and shared the result (I forgot whether it was in FB or her blog). There's just something primal about the wish to see one's own flesh-and-blood and your genetic resemblance with them, I suppose.
Case in point: another friend was upset when people kept saying that her firstborn looked exactly like daddy, making her feel that nobody could see her contribution. She was happy whenever some rare individuals said that they could see the resemblance between the baby and her.
Another case in point: a cousin has a foreign wife and they've just had their second baby boy. The wife put up her husband's baby photo side-by-side with the second baby's photo in FB and wrote, "Maybe our next baby will look like me."
But don't worry, talking about this doesn't hurt (maybe it helps that I'm not having PMS). :-)
glitter-graphics.com
Anyway, I'm counting down until our holiday in Indo. My husband has already been using an app on his mobile phone that can do a countdown to our holiday he he he he he...Work has been rather busy because many coworkers are still on their holiday and one has just started her maternity leave.
P.S. Have you ever tried this generator during TTC?
Another one I found on Brené Brown answering someone's question. The freeze mode is something I can totally relate to. Well, not just the freeze mode, but the other stuff she's saying as well he he...but I won't say too much. Just watch it:
The question "Why me?" tortured my mind during my infertility journey. I think many of you (if not all) are able to relate to that.
One of the things I found early on was a quote that went like this, "Don't ask 'why me'. Instead ask 'why not me?'"
I knew that it was supposed to be an empowering quote, but in my anger at that time, I couldn't accept that kind of challenge. I didn't like it because thinking about "why not me" didn't appease the anger. So the struggle continued and I was subconsciously trying to find any answer that could appease me. I think I even pretended to shake it off at some point by telling myself that the question didn't bother me and I couldn't care less about it, but it still came out to taunt me every now and then.
Over time one of the things that crossed my mind was that anyone on earth could have asked the "why" question about many aspects of my life. I mean, if you really try to think about it globally...some people who are born with poor, abusive parents in a shitty neighbourhood may just ask me the question, "Why wasn't I not born in your family instead? I'd love to have a proper education, too." I don't know. Why was I the one who was born in my family?
And my mind went even further: Why was that particular person in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why wasn't I the one being kidnapped and abused and killed in such a brutal way? Why wasn't I born in China in a poor family who had to sell me as a rich, old man's concubine in order to pay off their debts? Why wasn't I the one being run over by that drunk driver? Why wasn't I the one left crippled/dead because of that drunk driver?
Mind you, I don't want to experience all the things (who would?), but my mind just went into overdrive. And the more I tried to think of other possible "why" questions coming from different people about any kind of topics available on earth, the only conclusion I got was: "I don't know why. It's just life. It's not fair. It's nothing personal." Funnily enough, that answer and this brain exercise were enough to appease me.
Another thing that helped me was something that I found by accident. It was a quote that went like this: "If you want to ask why for all the bad things that happen to you, you have to ask the same question for all the good things that happen to you." Slap! Ouch!
Why me? Why not someone else who probably has given the same amount of effort and not less talented than I am? I don't know. That's just life. It's nothing personal. Again and again that was the only answer I could give. But at least this quote that has slapped me on the face has also helped me count my blessings instead of focusing on my troubles.
Have you been asking the "why" question as well? And what kind of answers have you found along the way?
P.S. Along the way I also found this Christian blogger who wrote about her faith and the "why me" question: It's Not About Me.
Maybe I've even linked this post once, but I still think it's important enough to be linked again. Rest in peace, Sara! Your blog continues to be a blessing for me even long after you're gone...
A few weeks ago our two adult nephews came over for a short holiday and during that time I saw the connection between them and my husband. They're all into online gaming and just last night they were talking about scheduling time to have an online gaming session together.
I think among the three brothers, my husband is the only one that spends the most time gaming (I think his dream profession would be to be in a team of creative people who create games). He babysat the two boys every now and then when they were young (before they moved away) and now they have this connection together and last night I was just thinking of the other side. That if we had a boy, they may be able to connect this way (though there's always the possibility that the boy wouldn't like games, but let me just daydream a bit). It brought a smile to my face. :-) I'm glad that he can have this bond with the boys, because they're the only heirs that we'll ever going to have.
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The other week I realized that I was finally released from the expectations I had towards a group of close friends. I knew already since the beginning of the year that I had to let go, but the process took long (I was kicking and screaming all the way). The bottom line was that I had to downgrade them in order to keep my sanity and our friendship intact.
FB gave me pretty good slaps on the face because even without trying to find any proof, it was clear as daylight how people tended to react more to baby/kiddo photos than any of my statuses/photos. In the real world when I share something directly with someone else, that person is bound to respond right away, but in a virtual world like FB, those things that aren't your priorities get swept away among all the overwhelming number of links and photos and statuses. Thus it creates an illusion that a life without kids is "less than" because the minute a baby photo is up (along with many other cute kiddo moments like the M-Day or F-Day's creations made by the kids), many would rush over to comment and/or share their own stories/moments. I get it. It's nothing personal. It's the bond that connects them, but during the time when I had too much expectation from a certain group of people, it still hurt. It stung.
I confronted my friends at one point because I felt that they weren't responding to any parts of my email (and they also didn't respond too much in my FB compared to the baby/kiddies' photos). Mind you, at that time they were busy talking about a pregnancy/birth story/parenting in their emails and I felt left out (almost no response to my emails during that period of time - my acute brain couldn't help detecting these details). Again I knew it was nothing personal, but it still hurt. From the confrontation, they said that they had given me everything they could, though they did admit that the pregnancy/birth story did get too much airing time at some point because of the freshness of it all, but the only possible option was for me to downgrade them.
I felt some resentment and anger for months. I thought it was sick that I had to be the one downgrading them, even though I still wanted to give them more time and energy, but if in the end it only made me feel resentful and it may make them feel guilty for not being able to give me more time, then what's the use?
Mind you, some of them did tell me that they sometimes felt guilty for not being able to give me more time because of life's busyness and their priorities and that really shocked my system, because I never intended to make anyone feel that way. I just wanted to give as much time and effort as I wanted because they were that important to me (and because I'm the only one who has the most free time - at some point I also cursed myself for having the most free time because then I got tempted to want to give more time and attention to them, which in retrospect only resulted in making my expectation go high). To put it simply, I had put my eggs in the wrong basket.
So I took a break from FB and focused more on my group of women who are childless-not-by-choice like myself and on my writing/photo challenges. I haven't written them an email in a long time, though we still communicate in bits and pieces via FB. All these things helped. Months passed by...the resentment gradually grew less and less and finally one day when I logged into FB again and saw some activities among them, I didn't feel any resentment anymore. That was the moment I realized I had succeeded in downgrading them.
I had never thought that I would have to do something like this, because they had always been my go-to group, core group of friends. We'd known each other for at least half of our age (I've known half of them even slightly longer than that), but there's no stopping it now. I've done it. This is for our own good. All of us. No more hard feelings. I feel relieved. Much lighter. :-)
Haven't really been having any ideas concerning infertility. Been battling with a bout of summer cold and summer rush at work. It's been cold, after all (temperature dropping to 0'C at some points with a dash of sleet). A friend has just lost her father and I'm reminded again of the gift of life and the fragility of life itself.
The crying sky during Midsummer Eve and Midsummer has dotted the plants with lots of beautiful raindrops and here are some photos that I took during Midsummer party (with a runny nose and a cough). I also posted these photos in my main blog.
I had SO MUCH FUN taking these photos in the rain, though it was kinda hard to take focused photos of these beauties without using a tripod. Had to really hold my breath sometime and then at some points I managed to get some drops on my lens because I got too close ha ha ha ha...but life's so beautiful. My friend's dad's passing makes me more aware of how precious it is the days I get to spend with my loved ones.
Enjoy the photos...would you let me know which ones are your fave (if you can't pick just one)? I would like to know he he...
P.S. Funny thing is that those blue flowers are supposed to be light purple, but for some reason my camera changed them into more blue instead (and I tinkered with the contrast a little). Click the photos to see bigger views.
P.P.S. That red dotted thing is a garden decoration, not a giant ladybird. The stone was painted in such a way to resemble a ladybird. :-D
