Friday, January 11, 2013

Then and Now

During the time I was bombarded with pregnancy news and pics as well as a newborn baby's pics, I had time to think. In the past the sense of loss was MUCH more acute in my heart even when I wasn't having PMS. These days I feel that the challenge is more about shouting out the world's "shouts" that celebrate motherhood/parenthood/children.

In the past watching pregnant bellies at work could trigger my loss so much so that I just wanted to hide in the bathroom ASAP and BAWL. And along with the tears came the rage, jealousy, envy, frustration, self-pity, self-hate, and all that jazz.*

* Note to self: I think a close friend's pregnancy may still affect me differently. This is just talking about other people's pregnancies in general.

Nowadays I feel "frustrated" and "upset" whenever these things happen because all I see is "red" (AKA the world's ideal type of family: those that include a child/children):

a. Those "typical" movie endings (mostly drama/romance/comedy movies) that portray a pregnancy or some kids in the future (fast forward a few years ahead). "Bah humbug!" I'd say...

b. Among so many cute animal pics (I'm a cat person), suddenly something like this pops out: "There's nothing more beautiful than seeing a mother and its offspring(s)." Urghhhh! *gag reflex*

c. ...I'll add more when I find new things that make me react strongly.

While being bombarded by the pregnancy news and pics, at one point I got SO frustrated because all I heard was "the world's ideal type of family" that became louder and louder and louder that I finally got fed up and shouted, "God, please tell me that there's something good/important to learn while I'm being torn by these emotions inside. Is there anything good/important at all in all this chaos? IS THERE?!?!?!?!?!"

The reply came as quickly as I had uttered the words. The reply was: "So that you'll look to Me for your worth instead of what the world deems as your worth."

That reply was enough to abate the storm brewing inside of me. My heart was finally appeased. :-) THANK YOU for the answer, Father!

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