Before Christmas, I had a "pat my own back" moment. :-D The close friend who's pregnant posted a side view and front view baby bump pics in FB, so naturally the photos garnered lots of lovely comments. In the beginning I wanted nothing to do with it, but then I had an experiment with myself...I took some time to clear my mind, then suddenly a thought occurred, "Hey, what if it's some random acquaintance who's pregnant and it's the first time for her to post the baby bump pics like these for the whole world to celebrate? How would you deal with it?"
I took my time to step back mentally and it worked!!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! It was like unlatching a mental connection with her so that I could respond in a more neutral fashion. It felt GOOD to be able to mentally step farther away as a way of emphasizing that her experience had nothing to do with mine. *pat on the back* I've shared this with the GW ladies and I received so much warmth from them. It feels nice to have people with whom I can celebrate this kind of victorious moment. :-D
I actually used the trick again just now (FYI I'm having my PMS now) as I almost felt a thump on my chest as she had just posted a photo of herself holding a tiny Christmas stocking with the writing "My first X-mas". For a second there I was thinking, "That could have been me" but then I forced myself to step away mentally again and I could comment on the photo to celebrate the moment with her. Mind you, I think this is easier done because it happens in the internet world***, not face-to-face. I don't know if this trick can be done IRL (in real life) or not, but I'll remember to try it out if I'll ever have the chance to do it IRL.
*** I'm further away in my healing journey, so I also think that's one reason why the trick worked. If we had tried having a baby at the same time and then she had gotten pregnant first whereas we ended up with infertility, I dread to think just how much devastation it could have done to our friendship.
A BIG pat on the back to you, Amel! I found when I just didn't allow myself to think "it could have been me" that I was freed of a lot of the negative feelings. I'm glad you're finding that too. Our brains realise this when we can cope with it I think, and not before. I'm glad you're at that stage. Congratulations and best wishes.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS, Mali! True, true, that one can't be told to experience something. One just needs to find it herself.
ReplyDeleteI think I find this pregnancy tough because in the past we could have started TTC together, so there was always this thought in my mind of what could have happened if we had started TTC together. I was seriously deathly scared of how I would be feeling when she finally started TTC.
So I'm glad that I'm at this stage now because I can be more confident in dealing with her baby photos and stories that will come soon enough. Because I do want to celebrate these moments with her, too. Just like I'd have liked her to do if I had been able to have my own kids.