We had a peaceful Christmas with MIL as usual (no kids involved). BIL and SIL came over for a while, but then they left to go to the graveyards. We went to the graveyards already before they came for a visit to light some candles in front of hubby's grandparents' and FIL's graves. FIL's grave doesn't have a gravestone yet.
Before Christmas, I had a "pat my own back" moment. :-D The close friend who's pregnant posted a side view and front view baby bump pics in FB, so naturally the photos garnered lots of lovely comments. In the beginning I wanted nothing to do with it, but then I had an experiment with myself...I took some time to clear my mind, then suddenly a thought occurred, "Hey, what if it's some random acquaintance who's pregnant and it's the first time for her to post the baby bump pics like these for the whole world to celebrate? How would you deal with it?"
I took my time to step back mentally and it worked!!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! It was like unlatching a mental connection with her so that I could respond in a more neutral fashion. It felt GOOD to be able to mentally step farther away as a way of emphasizing that her experience had nothing to do with mine. *pat on the back* I've shared this with the GW ladies and I received so much warmth from them. It feels nice to have people with whom I can celebrate this kind of victorious moment. :-D
I actually used the trick again just now (FYI I'm having my PMS now) as I almost felt a thump on my chest as she had just posted a photo of herself holding a tiny Christmas stocking with the writing "My first X-mas". For a second there I was thinking, "That could have been me" but then I forced myself to step away mentally again and I could comment on the photo to celebrate the moment with her. Mind you, I think this is easier done because it happens in the internet world***, not face-to-face. I don't know if this trick can be done IRL (in real life) or not, but I'll remember to try it out if I'll ever have the chance to do it IRL.
*** I'm further away in my healing journey, so I also think that's one reason why the trick worked. If we had tried having a baby at the same time and then she had gotten pregnant first whereas we ended up with infertility, I dread to think just how much devastation it could have done to our friendship.
These days every now and then I'd look at some friends' baby bump pictures in FB again and again (those that have been posted weeks or months ago). Don't really know if it's just to find out how I feel (do I really want to test myself that much or am I just a masochist or what? I honestly don't know yet LOL). It's kinda weird, but these days sometimes I have this strong desire to look at their baby bump pics or even ultrasound pics. So far so good, though. One clear thought that I felt was, "Oh, must be amazing to be able to receive that gift!" (read with the tone of voice of someone who's amazed at the beauty of nature) but nothing else other than the occasional, "How on earth can they get preggy so fast?" (read with an amazed/bewildered tone of voice).
I must say that this year is really a baby-filled year. After all the pregnancy/baby birth announcements that I've heard in the beginning of the year, I've just heard another pregnancy announcement. And there's still 8+ months left until the end of the year! But most of the time I'm OK with it, though I have this lingering FEAR about the pregnancies of my close friends that may happen in the future (either near or far future). I know one of them is TTC and another one is ready for another one. So we shall see about that and I'll write about them when the time comes. I really want to be happy for them and be able to support them during their pregnancies, but if I can't do it, then I'll just have to learn to forgive myself again, I suppose.
Anyhow, here's a rare convo I had with an old granny (seriously old, she was using a rollator) the other day:
Gran: "Where do you come from?"
Me: "Indonesia."
Gran: "How long have you lived here?"
Me: "Six years."
Gran: "Oh, what brought you here?"
Me: "Love."
Gran: "Is your hubby a good guy?"
Me: "Yes."
Gran: "Does he beat you up?" (first time that someone has ever asked this LOL!!!)
Me: "Nooooooooo!"
Gran: "Do you have kids?"
Me: "No."
Gran: "It's not worth it." (or "You shouldn't" ---- The words she used in Finnish could be translated both ways - she wasn't saying them cynically or sarcastically, but matter-of-factly)
At
home I told my hubby about our convo and he laughed when he heard what
she said about having kids he he he he he he...though I did wonder about why she had said it and I felt a bit sad for her 'coz if she did
have kids, that must've meant that she didn't have a good relationship with the kids or something (?)...but anyway the bottom line is that it's refreshing to hear
something like that he he he...
