Kathleen's post on how we answer the question "Do you have children?" made me think of my own answers during my IF journey. I remember that in the past, even in the beginning of time after we made a decision to live life without kids, I still automatically answered either "Not yet" or "No, because it didn't work for us."
For a long time I mostly used the first answer. I only used the latter answer whenever I felt defensive. When I started feeling more at peace with our decision to live without kids, I was mad at myself whenever I automatically blurted out "not yet." Now when I ponder upon it, it was actually "easier" to say "not yet" because more often than not, upon hearing the answer, others would simply respond, "Oh, you still have time" or something like that. And the topic ended there.
However, whenever I offered the latter answer, more often than not, people would offer unhelpful-but-well-meaning suggestions. One guy I hardly knew even nervously joked about our infertility because he didn't know what to say (I had a hard time forgiving him and for a long time I kept on repeating the joke over and over in my head which made me fume even more, but now that I'm typing this, I realize that I have no more grudge against him. HALLELUJAH!!!! I'm FREE from that shackle!!! :-D)
Anyway, I realize that these days my answer has changed into a "no". I was disappointed at myself for a while for having automatically given the answer "not yet" on a few occasions (not many people here ask that question unlike what happens in Indo), so I tried practicing the answer "no" a dozen times in my head, but I never had a chance to use it yet.
However, last week my much younger coworker (21 y.o.) asked that question and I said no (and I didn't feel the need to explain anything to her = I wasn't feeling defensive).
She asked, "Why not?" I explained to her that it didn't work for us.
Then she said, "You can always adopt."
I explained to (educated) her briefly that adoption was a complex process and that our ages also had an influence on it. And I added that we were fine even without kids.
She then asked me how long we'd been married and I replied almost 7 years. Then she stopped asking me more questions because we had to get on with our work. :-)
P.S. Here's something I made when I was raking the autumn leaves outside. Click to view it in a bigger size.
These days every now and then I'd look at some friends' baby bump pictures in FB again and again (those that have been posted weeks or months ago). Don't really know if it's just to find out how I feel (do I really want to test myself that much or am I just a masochist or what? I honestly don't know yet LOL). It's kinda weird, but these days sometimes I have this strong desire to look at their baby bump pics or even ultrasound pics. So far so good, though. One clear thought that I felt was, "Oh, must be amazing to be able to receive that gift!" (read with the tone of voice of someone who's amazed at the beauty of nature) but nothing else other than the occasional, "How on earth can they get preggy so fast?" (read with an amazed/bewildered tone of voice).
I must say that this year is really a baby-filled year. After all the pregnancy/baby birth announcements that I've heard in the beginning of the year, I've just heard another pregnancy announcement. And there's still 8+ months left until the end of the year! But most of the time I'm OK with it, though I have this lingering FEAR about the pregnancies of my close friends that may happen in the future (either near or far future). I know one of them is TTC and another one is ready for another one. So we shall see about that and I'll write about them when the time comes. I really want to be happy for them and be able to support them during their pregnancies, but if I can't do it, then I'll just have to learn to forgive myself again, I suppose.
Anyhow, here's a rare convo I had with an old granny (seriously old, she was using a rollator) the other day:
Gran: "Where do you come from?"
Me: "Indonesia."
Gran: "How long have you lived here?"
Me: "Six years."
Gran: "Oh, what brought you here?"
Me: "Love."
Gran: "Is your hubby a good guy?"
Me: "Yes."
Gran: "Does he beat you up?" (first time that someone has ever asked this LOL!!!)
Me: "Nooooooooo!"
Gran: "Do you have kids?"
Me: "No."
Gran: "It's not worth it." (or "You shouldn't" ---- The words she used in Finnish could be translated both ways - she wasn't saying them cynically or sarcastically, but matter-of-factly)
At
home I told my hubby about our convo and he laughed when he heard what
she said about having kids he he he he he he...though I did wonder about why she had said it and I felt a bit sad for her 'coz if she did
have kids, that must've meant that she didn't have a good relationship with the kids or something (?)...but anyway the bottom line is that it's refreshing to hear
something like that he he he...
A while ago I spent time with two friends. One of them has just had an empty nest 'coz her sons have recently moved out of the house to study in the city. She said that she had then learnt to enjoy life again just with the hubby - though of course every now and then the kids come back for a visit, but still she said it was interesting to find the house "so quiet".
The other friend commented that her parents didn't seem to want to live in a house with just the two of them after their children moved out of the house. They had had plenty of foster children along the years and now that they have finally reached the age when they should retire, they opt to have a lodger.
I've just been thinking that hubby and I can be - in a twisted way - considered ourselves to be in an empty nest without actually experiencing all the things that parents do before they reach that stage. The big difference is that we don't have to go through any adjustment periods between the time when the kids are born until the time when they leave the house. We're HERE already!
That was actually an interesting thought - at least for me it is. It's like suddenly realizing, "Hey! We've been doing GREAT despite the circumstances! We don't need to wonder anymore after years of child-bearing if we can still connect with each other and if we can enjoy each other's company 'coz that's what we've been doing anyway."
Anyway, just for the sake of recording my IF journey, the other week we had a "false alarm". My menstrual cycle is normally around 32-43 days (mostly around 36-38 days), but the other week I was wondering why my period hadn't come yet and I then looked it up my menstrual calendar and realized that it was already day 44.
My period finally came on day 47, though in between day 44 and 47, I was torn amongst so many different thoughts. At first the idea of being pregnant made me excited, esp. 'coz I could then share the news with my mother and my MIL, but then after that came a barrage of FEAR...worries about how we could work out our finance if I had to stop working, worries about how on earth we can bring up sane children in this crazy world. At the end of the day, the worries and the fear triumphed more than the joy of the thought of having kids. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that I had been thinking of our future without kids, so I'm so used to that kind of family picture already.
Funnily enough, both hubby and I felt a HUGE relief when my period finally came. Strange how I could have been so "baby-obsessed" at one time and then now I'm reaching this stage where we don't think we want babies anymore. But the most important thing of all is that both hubby and I are on the same page. Feels BRILLIANT to be on the same page with him! :-D
Yep...not going to think of the last day when I have to say goodbye to the kids at the daycare. I'm just going to believe that I'll be fine 'coz I've got so many people praying for me so that I can control my tears in front of the kids. They're "on a loan" for a short period of time only - the angels that are funny, cute, challenging, creative, smart, witty - and when it's time to part with them, it's time to part with them.
One friend of mine said that even if I could have continued my training there, I would have to part with the kids anyway at one point. She was right. Rather than focusing too much on my loss, I should just think of all the fond memories I've created with the kids. And I've been playing out those memories in my head - all those beautiful memories with them.
I've learned that it feels SO GOOD to be able to hold a child in your arms - even if that child is not your own child. Especially if that child is not your own child and he or she asks you to hold him/her in your arms. And to hear his/her laughter when I twirl them around is just such a heartwarming blessing that I never thought I could have. To have a child kiss and lick my cheeks unexpectedly...to have a child ask me to read a book...to have a child ask me to tie her hair up...to be able to have a sneak peek into a mother's life...such precious experiences.
Note to self: I shall NOT deny any sorrow or grief and I WILL let myself have enough time to grieve, but I WILL NOT let myself drown in my sorrow or grief. If I can't get out of that mud hole myself, I WILL get help.
The other day I heard from a friend about our mutual friend's 3rd miscarriage. She's 39 years old and she has a 2-year-old daughter. The first pregnancy went very well, so it was shocking to hear that she's had 3 miscarriages within a year (or even a little less than a year). I can't imagine how she feels, but I can relate to the feeling of having to mourn over and over and over again.
One thought came across my mind when I heard the news: "I'm GLAD I haven't been pregnant during the time she's been trying to have a second child." This was a rather peculiar thought IMO, as though my un-pregnancy state would somehow made her feel better.
I hope gynos can figure out what's wrong with her 'coz she didn't have any problem during her first pregnancy (and she got pregnant within 6 months already) and I still hope that she can get pregnant again and carry it full term.
About the work front: After helping out at the daycare for 2 weeks (where I don't get any salary except for some unemployment benefit from the government), I'm not sure anymore if I'm meant to be a mother to be honest. In a different way, I realize how TOUGH it is to parent a child. Although there have been WONDERFUL, heartwarming moments, there are times I'm confused as to what to do and I just hope there are guide books. I know the fact that my friends who are mothers also struggle with finding out the best ways to deal with their kids and hone their potential.
Funnily enough, that does NOT stop me from wishing that my period wouldn't come, although I didn't feel disappointed when my period did finally come.
Anyway, one other thing that came into my head after helping out at the daycare was this: "It's amazing to think of the responsibility and honour to be able to find out each child's potential and hone it." It just is. To be able to influence a child's life and help him/her bloom is a wonderful opportunity, but in order to do that, one has to understand the child first.
