Investing on Love

A close friend of mine has just started TTC and she shared with us that on the first month of TTC, she was surprised by the disappointment she felt when her period showed up. Upon knowing how small the percentage of pregnancy possibility per month (even for timed intercourse for fertile people), she then said to herself that it was wiser to just let go.

Then she wrote a baking analogy that made me think. She said that it was like they were both preparing a cake together and then they put in in the oven. It was then up to God whether or not to light the fire of the oven.

I told her that in our case, it felt like the cake was gone from the oven every time we gained nothing (no pregnancy). The most painful thing did not derive from the wasted invested time or effort, but probably the wasted invested combined love we had for our imagined child. It felt weird for me to write those words, but I'm going to write it down here just for the record. 



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Forgiveness

The more I reflect upon my own weaknesses as a human being, especially in terms of forgiveness, the more I'm in awe at what Jesus said:

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

- Luke 23:24

For when I hear something disturbing from well-meaning people that poked at my IF scars, it's SO hard for me to forgive them, even when I know that more often than not, they don't mean to hurt me. 

Today I nailed my pains and anger and hurt at the cross...and sang this song: 
 

Legacy

In the past when I wrote blog posts in my main blog, one of the purposes was to leave a legacy for our future kids. After infertility, it hurt so much to think of those shattered dreams, including not even being able to share my blog's legacy with our kids. 

After letting go of those dreams, nowadays I feel that I can share my blog legacy with whoever is willing to listen. I write my blog posts not only for my own sake (or hubby's - in case one of us is taken first, there'll be plenty of memories in a blog form), but also for the sake of sharing stories with my blog readers. So these days I think of a legacy not in the form of leaving something for people who are related by blood to us.

“Language allows us to reach out to people, 
to touch them with our innermost fears, 
hopes, disappointments, victories. 

To reach out to people we'll never meet."

- Simon Van Booy

After A Wedding Party

Went to a friend's wedding party last Saturday and as usual when I meet new people, they ask, "Do you have kids?"

I answered no. I didn't feel any stabs or anything, though. Nor did I feel any need to explain anything (like what I felt in previous events when the topic came up).

Another person said, "Not yet" and I just laughed.

I explained to another person who also said something like "maybe in the future then" that life without kids is fine. Thankfully she didn't say anything else about the topic and she let it go.

The wedding went great and I almost shed some tears during the first dance 'coz it took me right back to my own wedding day. No, we didn't have any first dance that day 'coz it's not common to have that kind of thing in Indonesia, but still I remember the sacredness, the importance, the beauty of the day. Dreamy sigh...

Below is a pic of the dining room where we had the party...


P.S. Just wanna write down this post to mark what happens to me and what I feel during specific moments in my IF survivor period.

Looking Backward - Mellow Mood

I've just begun to get to know a blogger friend/expat who lives in Finland and we've been exchanging emails 'coz we have some similarities. I've dug up some old blog posts to send her some of the links so that she can get to know me better (it's more practical that way so that I don't have to write all over again some things I've written down in my other blog).

While trying to find those old blog posts, I reread some of them and in some of them, I came across posts filled with my wish of leaving some legacy to our future kids and grandkids (even though at that time we didn't plan to have kids yet 'coz I just moved to Finland and I needed time to study the language and adjust with my new life), but the thought of leaving something for the future generation had been on my mind. One legacy that I was thinking about was our saved emails - our "electronic love letters". At that point in time, I would love to have our kids and grandkids enjoy the legacy of our long-distance love story. I didn't really have time to think this over because I'd been busy at work.

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However, today (it's my day off from work) I was reminded of this when I visited another blogger friend's blog. She had just posted her weekly scrapbook of her family. She said that she had started to rethink what to put in the weekly scrapbook so that the future generation knew what kind of things (gadgets, incidents, games, jokes, events) exist/happen in the past life that they enjoy that may no longer exist in the future.

Reading that post reminded me of one of the broken dreams I had to let go when we decided to think of the future with kids. I had forgotten that it was even on my mind before we even started TTC and now it has resurfaced. It makes me kinda mellow - mostly because I'm probably a bit shocked of the existence of this "hole" that IF has created. I know I'm gonna be just fine, though...but this just took me by surprise...

Anyhow, another type of loss is the kind of financial/earthly belonging legacy that we're going to leave someday when we're dead. I once told hubby that if I died first, I wanted him to send half of my money to my brother. He can keep the other half as well as my jewelleries.

It's not that I care too much about what happens after we're dead, but it'll just be nicer if the things we leave behind are meaningful to someone, don't you think? Someone who can look at our photos and remember the many memories he/she has with us...someone who, upon holding some of my jewelleries, remembers my stories about where they're from (a gift from Mom, a gift from an aunt, bought by me, etc)...someone who, upon holding our pictures, remembers our love story.

I guess today's one of those days...a day I should spend in mourning over these losses...My mellow mood may also be caused by PMS, but I know I'll be fine in the end, because:

Blessed!

Lately I've been thinking about blessings and how sometimes when someone says "I'm blessed" in specific ways that we are deprived of, it may make us feel that they have earned the blessings and that we aren't doing something good enough to make us earn those blessings. And vice versa...

Today a light bulb flicked in my head and I created this using a pic I took a few years ago:

A Child's Innocent Embrace

*cross-posted with my other blog*

The other day at work an old lady came to pay for her groceries, but she said to me that she didn't want the milk carton that she took 'coz she had taken the wrong one. Mind you that the milk section was at the back of the store, so I told her to just leave it at the cashier so that I could return it to the original place later on.

After serving a few more customers, there was nobody in line, so I took the milk carton and ran to the back of the store 'coz I didn't want the next customers to wait too long for me to get back. While running on the fourth aisle with the milk carton in my hand, I spotted a little girl in the middle. She was standing there in the middle of the aisle, halfway between me and where the rest of the milk was at the back of the store.

We locked our gaze at one point and we realized who it was we were looking at. She's this little girl who's been really friendly to me ever since we met at the store 1,5 years ago. Her parents are also very friendly and she has a little sister. At that time, her parents and little sister were near the milk section.

Anyway, when the little girl saw me, she smiled so widely and started RUNNING towards me with arms wide open...In my hurry, I couldn't break her heart. She probably thought that I was running towards her!!! (FYI: She did this once when they were at the store and she saw me from afar) So when we were close to each other, I stopped, knelt down, and gave her a hug.

I was a bit worried what her parents might think of me hugging her, but from the side of my eyes, I could see them turning around at us and laughing. Phew!!! She really made my day that day! :-D Before then, all we had ever exchanged were words and smiles and occasionally I gave them some candies he he...

Anyhow, here are some photos I took with my mobile camera (not such good quality), but anyway...


2nd pic: The sun peeping from behind the trees at around 2.30 pm yesterday. Felt marvelous to be able to see it again after such a long time!


3rd pic: The back of a hotel in Sodankylä.


4th pic: Very light pinkish sky.