The question "What next?" had been on my mind for a while. After a period of contentment in this childless-not-by-choice life, something that other people have failed to understand (such as what I wrote here), I began to wonder what else I wanted to learn that could bring me joy and excitement. The combination of moving to Finland and infertility have dampened my quest in setting a long-term project/goal. I used to set long-term goals and worked as best as I could to reach those goals with gusto. I enjoyed both the process of getting closer to the goals and the moments when I was able to reach them. Moving to Finland and infertility have helped me become more able to focus more on the present and enjoy each moment (something I'm forever grateful for), but I must admit that I miss the joy of chasing after a long-term project/goal.
Because I don't feel like going up the ladder at work, I need to find a project/goal elsewhere. You see, back in High School I studied Japanese for two years, though I wasn't really serious and it was only once or twice a week, so I never did learn that much. The idea of (re-)learning Japanese occurred to me a while back already, but I was afraid that it would only mess my brain even more, so at first I told myself that I would only start learning Japanese after I became more fluent in Finnish. However, at the back of my mind something was nagging me. Was it just an excuse? Why did I want to postpone? For how long? The excuse couldn't stay too long, though, as the thirst to learn something new kept on growing as time went by.
I started off by using some online resources from the basic: learning Hiragana and Katakana once more. When I was doing the trace sheets, I realized that I remembered some of the characters, but the rest looked completely strange (I couldn't believe I could memorize both Hiragana and Katakana already back then!). I also realized that it felt awesome to be able to hold a pencil in my hand and trace those characters as it felt a bit like drawing (something I rarely do). However, using online resources was challenging as I got distracted quite easily.
So, to keep myself committed, recently I've purchased some Japanese books from TheBookDepository (I love them because they ship anywhere around the world without any postal charges and since books can be heavy, that means a lot to me!) and they've just arrived. WOOOOHOOOOOOO!!! I know there are plenty of free online resources to learn Japanese, but I love learning a language through books first (I still love the feeling of holding a book in my hand and being able to sift through the pages). Once I sort of get to know the basics, I can then move on towards using the online resources. That was how I studied Finnish on my own before I started going to Finnish courses.
This Japanese self-learning started very slowly and I even had lots of breaks in between (due to being busy at work and being sick after our holiday), but now that I'm having my second batch of summer holiday, I'm psyched to learn more. It feels GREAT to have a long-term project that would expand my brain without any pressure from outside (and my Mochi with his tick-tocking tail is just as excited LOL!!!).
I forgot to mention here that a few
months ago I finally got rid of the English pregnancy and parenting
books I bought second-hand from online shops years ago when we first
started TTC. I'd started reading one of them during TTC, but the other
three were parenting books, so I hadn't really started reading them yet
and they'd been gathering dust in my book shelf, so off they went to
this "exchange book corner" in our local library. Btw, I felt nothing when I left the books there.
In
the past there was no such a thing, but these days they've put this
"exchange book corner" in which people can grab any book(s) they want
with the hope that they'll trade them with other book(s) that they own.
The empty space has been put to good use as I've been piling up new
books that I haven't read yet (chuckle). I'm a bad reader. I tend to
switch from one book to another and who knows when I'll finish reading
them all LOL!!! Some of them are unread, though. I LOVE collecting books
even though that means I may not read them yet LOL!!!
I'm
still PMSing and still feeling a bit conflicted inside every now and
then (esp. when I read news about my friend's morning sickness issues
and the other mommy friends got to share their own morning sickness
experiences - felt like being left out when a group of friends were playing together). Just now I received an email with the title "27 weeks" and
I felt a jolt inside. I thought, "Another pregnant woman?" Turned out
that no, it wasn't the case. It was a false alarm. Phew!
Yep.
The green eyed-monster of jealousy has arisen, though thankfully it's
not blinding me. It's just a tiny little monster, but I know it's out
there. One thing I tried to do the other day is to turn each jealous
thought into a ball and then I (the superhero in my imagination) got to
kick the ball into outer space, where it was swallowed by this giant
black hole (I had to do this whenever the ball came out to play). Is this helping? I think so. :-)
Another thing that helped was exercising and doing punching and kicking movements with all my might (release all the negative energy, Amel!!!)...and feeling the lovely endorphins afterwards. :-) And yes, I looked like this fellow below when I was doing the exercise:
Let's just see how well I fare in this friend's pregnancy journey (and maybe in the future other close friends' pregnancies) where I get to read a lot of details and where I get to see lots of pics. I'll take it one day at a time. May God help me!!!
P.S. I know I'll feel better when my PMS is over. :-) In the meantime, though, I'll continue the imaginary battle and exercise regime.
glitter-graphics.com
