The other day when I was feeling better and I could focus more on reading, I started catching up on the blog posts that I had neglected during my holiday due to my internet break. In one post somebody wrote about how in a parallel universe, she'd have green fingers and she'd grow so many things in her garden and they'd all flourish.
You see, I had been thinking about parallel universes in my infertility journey and I had had some visualisations of myself in a parallel universe where we had children. You can say it's my wishful thinking, the ideal version of our life, my kind of escape from real life.
Anyway, as my eyes scanned the words "parallel universe", my mind started on its own journey. I have this clear, vivid image of my brain conjuring up a panel of my parallel universe from the back of my head and then all of a sudden from the other side came up this panel of real life and both of them just merged together smoothly and I gasped within, because at that exact second, there was no difference between my reality and my parallel universe. There was no need for the parallel universe anymore. It was breathtakingly beautiful and surreal at the same time.
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| Image taken from here |
No wonder I've felt the way I do after my Indo trip. More closure. The two universes have merged! I can't tell you how amazed I was, but then a question came knocking at the door, "Ummm...how long do you think this will last?"
I answered, "I have NO idea because it's the first time I've ever experienced this, but I'm going to cherish this moment and this memory and record it anyway."
P.S. I've only started realizing lately how visual I can be LOL!!!!
When we're in the the middle of a storm, it's hard to think straight 'coz everything around you is chaos. All the noise, the whirling wind, the battered and bruised self, the soaked drenched body, the fear that grips you, the inability to see ahead of you, and the list goes on.
So here I am, looking back on our IF journey, able to see things more clearly because there's a great distance between us and our TTC journey already. Despite the fact that we never tried to find out what was "wrong" with us (if such a thing could be found) and we never tried anything else other than regular TTC and some months of Chinese herbs and vitamins, I have no regrets. I feel that we've done everything we could that we were both willing to do in order to achieve pregnancy and I feel that we've drawn the right line for us.
However, what I find most endearing about this "looking backward process" this time is that both hubby and I were on the same page every step of the way. When we wanted to start trying, we wanted to do it together and when we decided to stop, the both of us felt that it was time to stop. Back then I knew already how nice it felt to be "walking side-by-side/hand-in-hand" like that, but now I cherish it even more with fresh eyes. I'm truly grateful for being able to be "on the same page" with hubby, especially during this rocky TTC-turned-IF journey.
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