When we're in the the middle of a storm, it's hard to think straight 'coz everything around you is chaos. All the noise, the whirling wind, the battered and bruised self, the soaked drenched body, the fear that grips you, the inability to see ahead of you, and the list goes on.
So here I am, looking back on our IF journey, able to see things more clearly because there's a great distance between us and our TTC journey already. Despite the fact that we never tried to find out what was "wrong" with us (if such a thing could be found) and we never tried anything else other than regular TTC and some months of Chinese herbs and vitamins, I have no regrets. I feel that we've done everything we could that we were both willing to do in order to achieve pregnancy and I feel that we've drawn the right line for us.
However, what I find most endearing about this "looking backward process" this time is that both hubby and I were on the same page every step of the way. When we wanted to start trying, we wanted to do it together and when we decided to stop, the both of us felt that it was time to stop. Back then I knew already how nice it felt to be "walking side-by-side/hand-in-hand" like that, but now I cherish it even more with fresh eyes. I'm truly grateful for being able to be "on the same page" with hubby, especially during this rocky TTC-turned-IF journey.
Dunno where to start. I've been silent mainly because of some news I heard about a friend who's fallen ill. At first it seemed to be a regular illness, but then it was discovered to have been an autoimmune disease. This kind of news is jarring enough to make me feel like I'm at a stoplight. The world is still moving at its own pace around me, but I'm focused on the red light that may change the whole world for my friend.
After IF, I don't even dare talk about miracles to my friend. If God wills, He can erase her illness, but many times God doesn't work that way. It doesn't matter anymore why God chooses to act a certain way or why He doesn't help us the way we want Him to. What matters most is that I know He knows best and He cares and He will give enough grace and peace beyond understanding in whatever circumstances one has to face if one believes in Him and asks for it.
On another note, I've been way too busy to think too much on IF issues, except yesterday when I was browsing through cute cat pics on an FB group that I joined and then there was a photo of a lioness and its cubs and the caption read: "Nothing more beautiful...than a mother and its babies." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! That was just TOO much (I'm having a PMS right now)!!! The picture itself wouldn't have done any damage, but the caption wanted me to skip the photo altogether. Ugh! Anyhow, on a happy note, I'm psyched up for Christmas 'coz I have prepared a trick for hubby HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...Can't wait to spend quality time with hubby and MIL especially. And this time this year I don't have to work on Christmas eve morning like other years, so YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!! P.S. Oh, and MIL has a bottle of Irish Cream Liquor for us. I LOVE Irish Cream liquor! HO HO HO HO HOHHHHHH...:-D
Mother's Day went pretty well - felt a bit bummeddue to deluge of Mother's Day's cards and photos in Facebook, but nevertheless nothing worse happened. Had some pregnancy and birth announcements, but at the most it only made me feel like the youngest kid left out from a game. During childhood in the playground where the youngest kid wasn't given permission to play with the older ones ('coz the youngest one didn't understand the rules and all that and the older ones didn't want to bother playing with the youngest one). That's the closest to what I felt.
Spent Mother's Day's eve with MIL (no kids involved) and had a great time. Hubby and I both cooperated in providing the food for MIL so she didn't have to cook. Bought a gift and some flowers, too, which she welcomed with all her heart. :-D
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Anyhow, we had a relaxing and lovely trip to Vienna and the highlight of the trip was the conversation we had with a mutual friend. This woman came to Sodankylä a few years ago and then went back to her home country. Back then we used to hang out every now and then and chat about anything. When she lived here, I was in the throes of TTC, so I shared with her our hopes and dreams.
So naturally after not having met for years, she asked us about baby program. She also told us that she had just started talking about having kids with her boyfriend. So I shared with her what we had experienced until we ended up with our decision to surrender to a life without kids.
She asked about adoption and I explained to her our decision. I didn't take it the wrong way 'coz I know she cared. Actually, sharing what I know about adoption and the maximum age difference between the parents and the adopted child made her think. She's now at my age when we started TTC, so she wants to learn more about her options IF for some reason the natural way doesn't work (though I hope it'll work well for her).
What really touched me and made me happy was the fact that she asked R2 about his job and life and R2 said, "I'm happy." It's one thing to hear from your spouse that he's happy, but it's a different thing to hear him say to someone else that he's happy in life. The unsaid words are "even without kids". :-D So I'mTHANKFUL for this memory.
A while ago I spent time with two friends. One of them has just had an empty nest 'coz her sons have recently moved out of the house to study in the city. She said that she had then learnt to enjoy life again just with the hubby - though of course every now and then the kids come back for a visit, but still she said it was interesting to find the house "so quiet".
The other friend commented that her parents didn't seem to want to live in a house with just the two of them after their children moved out of the house. They had had plenty of foster children along the years and now that they have finally reached the age when they should retire, they opt to have a lodger.
I've just been thinking that hubby and I can be - in a twisted way - considered ourselves to be in an empty nest without actually experiencing all the things that parents do before they reach that stage. The big difference is that we don't have to go through any adjustment periods between the time when the kids are born until the time when they leave the house. We're HERE already!
That was actually an interesting thought - at least for me it is. It's like suddenly realizing, "Hey! We've been doing GREAT despite the circumstances! We don't need to wonder anymore after years of child-bearing if we can still connect with each other and if we can enjoy each other's company 'coz that's what we've been doing anyway."
Anyway, just for the sake of recording my IF journey, the other week we had a "false alarm". My menstrual cycle is normally around 32-43 days (mostly around 36-38 days), but the other week I was wondering why my period hadn't come yet and I then looked it up my menstrual calendar and realized that it was already day 44.
My period finally came on day 47, though in between day 44 and 47, I was torn amongst so many different thoughts. At first the idea of being pregnant made me excited, esp. 'coz I could then share the news with my mother and my MIL, but then after that came a barrage of FEAR...worries about how we could work out our finance if I had to stop working, worries about how on earth we can bring up sane children in this crazy world. At the end of the day, the worries and the fear triumphed more than the joy of the thought of having kids. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that I had been thinking of our future without kids, so I'm so used to that kind of family picture already.
Funnily enough, both hubby and I felt a HUGE relief when my period finally came. Strange how I could have been so "baby-obsessed" at one time and then now I'm reaching this stage where we don't think we want babies anymore. But the most important thing of all is that both hubby and I are on the same page. Feels BRILLIANT to be on the same page with him! :-D
I ain't got no children of my own to tuck in, but I LOVE tucking in hubby on the sofa for his naps. And I know he ENJOYS it thoroughly, as well. I LOVE watching his face - whether he's asleep or awake. Such a lovely piece of God's artwork...
I agree with what "they" say - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think I love him more and more after IF. We've grown closer and closer and we've depended on each other even more and more as time goes by - as well as having more fun together. Together, just the two of us, stitching memories day by day...I'm SO blessed to have him as a hubby!
The other night I had another talk with hubby, just to make sure we were on the same page in our infertility journey. I asked him if he still wanted kids and he said yes. Then I asked if he had ever thought about adoption and he also said yes. I then explained to him a little bit about adoption articles I've read.
Even though it was such a late night conversation, he paid total attention to me. I knew he was tired already and that he had to get up early to work the next day (whereas I didn't have to get up early 'coz I didn't have any work shift the next day), but I felt that he wanted to make sure I was OK. He gave me his full attentionand more...he also kept on kissing me, holding me tightly in between our talks...and telling me that he loved me.
I also asked what he felt if we would never have any kids - whether our own or adopted ones. He said it was fine for him, then he asked me what would I feel about that possibility. I said that I had to accept it no matter what, 'coz life with him has beenINCREDIBLE anyway.
Feels nice to know we're on the same page...the conversation continued to other fun topics and we were laughing for a while before we finally stopped talking in order to go to sleep.
The conversation also made me feel more strongly what I'd always felt even before we met in real life. I knew he was the one for me no matter how ridiculous it might sound for others 'coz we had no proof of that. Now that we've been together for almost 4 years, I know that for a fact and especially after we started our infertility journey, that fact becomes clearer and clearer like the sun shining in a cloudless sky.
Living for the rest of my life with hubby only is a beautiful prospect, though that doesn't mean I have stopped hoping to have our own babies, but I don't want to focus too much on that. I just want to focus more on the present...on cherishing my time with hubby...'coz we'll never know when death comes to pick us up and I don't want to miss a thing...Love you, bunny...
P.S. To read on why adoption isn't really preferable for us, click here: Why Not Adopt?
Today hubby was rearranging some stuff in our living room cabinets 'coz we just moved in to our new home at the end of January. He was moving some stuff when he decided to browse through our wedding albumagain. He had a joyful, sentimental smile on his face while he leafed through the album and then he said, "Oh look, what a cute girl!"
He leafed through some more pages and said with a cheeky smile, "Lucky bastard!" (referring to himself jokingly)
I smiled, too...after he finished browsing through the album, he came towards me (who was at that time lying down on our soft, comfortable sofa-bed) and hugged me and said, "I love you".
I couldn't help the tears from flowing. It was a LONG journey for us until we could be together as husband-and-wife. With tears free-flowing on my cheeks, I hugged him, kissed him, and said, "I love you too. Look where are are now! I can't believe it's over 10 years ago when we first got in touch with each other through the internet."
He let me go, looked me in my eyes, wiped my tears, and said, "Don't cry!"
I replied, "But these are tears of joy. I'm just happy!"
We hugged and kissed some more...moments like these are really precious...Looking back at what we've gone through to reach this point has made me realized how ABUNDANTGod's blessings have been for us. And my heart is full of gratitude...because I have my beloved, precious hubby with me.
I knew I loved him before I met him...I hope we can keep growing closer to each other as time goes by NO MATTER WHAT comes our way.
