Upon remembering that we should "love our neighbours as ourselves", it made me think that it's sometimes hard to love ourselves when we feel that we're "ugly", "dirty", "yucky" and any other label that we can attach to ourselves.
During IF journey, we often find ourselves feeling all the negative emotions that come barging in unexpectedly like tsunami waves, leaving us shocked and making us feel guilty. We hate the fact that we can possibly feel all those emotions, yet we can't deny their existence either.
However, I start thinking that if we can just learn to love ourselves despite all that, maybe it'll help us love others. If we can't love ourselves despite all that, how can we "love our neighbours as ourselves"?
After living on earth for 30 something years, I've found that the best comforters are the ones who've experienced all the worst emotional turmoil ever, so why should we hate or loathe the very experience that will enrich ourselves? If we ever feel bitterness, why should we curse it? With God's help, we'll get through it and hopefully in the end we'll be able to become better comforters for our "neighbours" when they're feeling that similar wave of bitterness and maybe it'll help them to know that other people CAN and DO get through it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
God's Timing: Rant Rant
Been sending emails with a friend (not yet married, but has a boyfriend and is planning to get married with him someday). With all the best intention in the world (which I appreciate), she asked me if we had got checked up 'coz she knew we wanted kids and that she knew some people who tried some Chinese herbs in Indo and the herbs worked for them. She then said that she'd pray to God that we'd get a child soon.
I told her this: "Well, we've decided not to get checked up due to A, B, C (I explained to her that it was like opening Pandora's box and I explained to her a bit that even though celebrities seemed to be successful in trying different types of medication to have kids, reality states differently). Besides, by the grace of God now we're fine even with the thought that we'll never have any kids at all even though we'd welcome a child if he/she comes our way (deep inside, I wanted to explain to her the crazy rollercoaster IF, but I knew she wouldn't understand so it was just not worth it). Life is beautiful with or without kids. If you're going to pray for us, don't pray that we'll have a child ASAP, but pray that we'll accept whatever plans God has for us."
She then replied: "Yeah, you're right about accepting whatever God is planning for us. Just believe in God's timing. God knows the best for us and His timing is always perfect and He will give us what we hope for when we least expect it, in His perfect timing."
A part of me wanted to debate her: "Uh, hello? What makes you feel so sure that He's going to give us what we hope for? Are you trying to make me feel better or are you trying to convince yourself that if we hope for something so badly, God will give us in His perfect timing? Why do people think that if they want something so badly and they keep praying for it, God will give it to them?"
Instead, I replied: "Well, when it comes to kids, let's not assume that God's going to give us any. We're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids and that's that. We've also thought about adoption but it doesn't look like it's a good idea for us bla bla bla bla..."
The other month I also posted a comment in my friend's FB page 'coz her son's pictures are just SO cute. So I told her that under the latest pic of her son's and she said, "Come on then and make one!"
I said, "HA HA HA HA HA...we've been 'making one' so diligently, but no success yet."
She replied, "Well, just relax (calm down). Maybe God wants the two of you to have lots of honeymoons first."
A part of me bristled when I read it. What makes her think I'm not relaxed (calm)??? ---> yeah, I know I took it too personally 'coz logically thinking, maybe she just didn't know what to say and she wasn't insinuating that I wasn't calm - but then again it's hard to think logically when you're an IF.
Instead, I replied, "Don't worry, we're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids. Life's beautiful anyway."
THANKFULLY she didn't say anything anymore after I told her that. BUT I think I should just stop complimenting other people's babies' cuteness. Why can't they just say, "THANKS for the compliment" and leave it at that?
I understand fully the need to want to share the motherhood joy so that I can "join the club", but still it's tiring to have to answer those questions (it's hard to disregard the questions or the "invitation" to "make one" 'coz I want to correct their assumption that babies can be made that easily). So maybe I should just stop before the vicious cycle starts: thus I should stop giving baby compliments (unless towards my closest friends who know about us so well).
I told her this: "Well, we've decided not to get checked up due to A, B, C (I explained to her that it was like opening Pandora's box and I explained to her a bit that even though celebrities seemed to be successful in trying different types of medication to have kids, reality states differently). Besides, by the grace of God now we're fine even with the thought that we'll never have any kids at all even though we'd welcome a child if he/she comes our way (deep inside, I wanted to explain to her the crazy rollercoaster IF, but I knew she wouldn't understand so it was just not worth it). Life is beautiful with or without kids. If you're going to pray for us, don't pray that we'll have a child ASAP, but pray that we'll accept whatever plans God has for us."
She then replied: "Yeah, you're right about accepting whatever God is planning for us. Just believe in God's timing. God knows the best for us and His timing is always perfect and He will give us what we hope for when we least expect it, in His perfect timing."
A part of me wanted to debate her: "Uh, hello? What makes you feel so sure that He's going to give us what we hope for? Are you trying to make me feel better or are you trying to convince yourself that if we hope for something so badly, God will give us in His perfect timing? Why do people think that if they want something so badly and they keep praying for it, God will give it to them?"
Instead, I replied: "Well, when it comes to kids, let's not assume that God's going to give us any. We're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids and that's that. We've also thought about adoption but it doesn't look like it's a good idea for us bla bla bla bla..."
The other month I also posted a comment in my friend's FB page 'coz her son's pictures are just SO cute. So I told her that under the latest pic of her son's and she said, "Come on then and make one!"
I said, "HA HA HA HA HA...we've been 'making one' so diligently, but no success yet."
She replied, "Well, just relax (calm down). Maybe God wants the two of you to have lots of honeymoons first."
A part of me bristled when I read it. What makes her think I'm not relaxed (calm)??? ---> yeah, I know I took it too personally 'coz logically thinking, maybe she just didn't know what to say and she wasn't insinuating that I wasn't calm - but then again it's hard to think logically when you're an IF.
Instead, I replied, "Don't worry, we're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids. Life's beautiful anyway."
THANKFULLY she didn't say anything anymore after I told her that. BUT I think I should just stop complimenting other people's babies' cuteness. Why can't they just say, "THANKS for the compliment" and leave it at that?
I understand fully the need to want to share the motherhood joy so that I can "join the club", but still it's tiring to have to answer those questions (it's hard to disregard the questions or the "invitation" to "make one" 'coz I want to correct their assumption that babies can be made that easily). So maybe I should just stop before the vicious cycle starts: thus I should stop giving baby compliments (unless towards my closest friends who know about us so well).
Friday, December 17, 2010
Almost Cried
Today I was working near the entrance/exit of the place where I worked when a couple stopped by near the exit and said to their daughter, "Look! There she is! Amelia is over there!"
I turned around and saw the lovely family whose daughter had stolen my heart ever since we met at my workplace. I've written a little about her in this post: In Love. She had a pacifier in her mouth, but when I said "hi", she said "hi" with a smile.
The Dad then explained to me that it'd become a habit - whenever they went to go grocery shopping, the girl would ask where I was (if I wasn't working as the cashier that day) HE HE HE HE HE...
I was so touched, not only 'coz of the little girl's enthusiasm, but also for the parents' excitement towards our interaction. I said "goodbye" to the cute girl while waving my hand and she also did the same a few times - always with a smile on her cute face.
I then turned around while they exited the building and I almost couldn't hold the tears from flowing. I guess it's just hormones, but I was just so touched - and a tad sad again at the same time 'coz I could only do that with another person's child - though on the other hand it's still MUCH better than not having that kind of interaction with anyone's child at all. :-D
On a positive note, I can't wait for our mini holiday sometime later to Rovaniemi (a city near here) with hubby. I just booked our hotel last night. WOOOOHOOOO!!! I'll be back with pictures. Meanwhile, here are some more winter pics I took yesterday:
I turned around and saw the lovely family whose daughter had stolen my heart ever since we met at my workplace. I've written a little about her in this post: In Love. She had a pacifier in her mouth, but when I said "hi", she said "hi" with a smile.
The Dad then explained to me that it'd become a habit - whenever they went to go grocery shopping, the girl would ask where I was (if I wasn't working as the cashier that day) HE HE HE HE HE...
I was so touched, not only 'coz of the little girl's enthusiasm, but also for the parents' excitement towards our interaction. I said "goodbye" to the cute girl while waving my hand and she also did the same a few times - always with a smile on her cute face.
I then turned around while they exited the building and I almost couldn't hold the tears from flowing. I guess it's just hormones, but I was just so touched - and a tad sad again at the same time 'coz I could only do that with another person's child - though on the other hand it's still MUCH better than not having that kind of interaction with anyone's child at all. :-D
On a positive note, I can't wait for our mini holiday sometime later to Rovaniemi (a city near here) with hubby. I just booked our hotel last night. WOOOOHOOOO!!! I'll be back with pictures. Meanwhile, here are some more winter pics I took yesterday:
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tiny Thumps in My Chest
A few weeks ago I found out that a certain friend had gotten pregnant again (she had been trying for this second one for a while, but finally she got pregnant). I think at that time I almost felt a tiny thump in my chest, but I definitely felt that tiny thump the other day when I found out that another friend had gotten pregnant (she's 2 years older than me - I'm 32 y.o.). After that thump, this question arose: "How come it's so easy for them but not for us?"
But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.
Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).
A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for selfish reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my "empty womb".
I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)
On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.
The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with pink skies...here are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:
But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.
Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).
A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for selfish reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my "empty womb".
I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)
On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.
The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with pink skies...here are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:
Monday, December 6, 2010
Have You Ever?
*cross-posted with my other blog*
About a month ago or so I was feeling sick and tired. Of what? I guess the correct answer would be "the fallenness of mankind". I wasn't sick and tired of mankind per se, but just that part of mankind, including that part in myself (or maybe especially 'coz I know that part exists in myself).
I guess the trigger was when I read this online forum that talked about two different people from two different cultures and the heated debate went on and on and on. There were at least 100 "commentators", but I only found about 1/10th who were the voice of reason. Some of the commentators made me feel sick and disgusted.
It's so easy when I look at that fallen part in myself that for example if I'm struck by someone, my instinct would be to strike back. If I'm hurt, my instinct would be to fight back or to have my revenge. Maybe for different people, the "fallen" parts are different than mine. But still the fallenness exists.
I don't mean to say that I'm giving up on mankind, but I'm just saying that there are times when I just want to get away from humans 'coz the fallenness of mankind makes me sick.
I talked about this topic today with a friend and she said she thought she was the only one going mad ha ha ha...she also experienced this and she said that she also wanted to get away from people in order to "reduce" the amount of possible "negative thoughts/feelings/reactions" that come from dealing with other human beings.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, after feeling so disgusted and sick like this, I wonder why God still loves us just the way we are, despite ourselves. I mean logically thinking I know that God is love, but my human brain is wondering that after all the wickedness and ugliness that humans can do, isn't it beyond AMAZING that He still loves us? That He's sent Jesus to die for our sins? I still can't comprehend the depth of His love for us...it's WAY beyond what my human brain can understand. Having billions and billions of "children on earth" behaving the way we are many days a year...I'm THANKFUL that God is God.
About a month ago or so I was feeling sick and tired. Of what? I guess the correct answer would be "the fallenness of mankind". I wasn't sick and tired of mankind per se, but just that part of mankind, including that part in myself (or maybe especially 'coz I know that part exists in myself).
I guess the trigger was when I read this online forum that talked about two different people from two different cultures and the heated debate went on and on and on. There were at least 100 "commentators", but I only found about 1/10th who were the voice of reason. Some of the commentators made me feel sick and disgusted.
It's so easy when I look at that fallen part in myself that for example if I'm struck by someone, my instinct would be to strike back. If I'm hurt, my instinct would be to fight back or to have my revenge. Maybe for different people, the "fallen" parts are different than mine. But still the fallenness exists.
I don't mean to say that I'm giving up on mankind, but I'm just saying that there are times when I just want to get away from humans 'coz the fallenness of mankind makes me sick.
I talked about this topic today with a friend and she said she thought she was the only one going mad ha ha ha...she also experienced this and she said that she also wanted to get away from people in order to "reduce" the amount of possible "negative thoughts/feelings/reactions" that come from dealing with other human beings.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, after feeling so disgusted and sick like this, I wonder why God still loves us just the way we are, despite ourselves. I mean logically thinking I know that God is love, but my human brain is wondering that after all the wickedness and ugliness that humans can do, isn't it beyond AMAZING that He still loves us? That He's sent Jesus to die for our sins? I still can't comprehend the depth of His love for us...it's WAY beyond what my human brain can understand. Having billions and billions of "children on earth" behaving the way we are many days a year...I'm THANKFUL that God is God.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thought of the Day
You can never please everybody.
No matter how hard you try to be "politically correct" or to avoid hurting anybody with your words (or texts), it's almost impossible to know what impact your words (or texts) would have on everybody. So, even though I know and understand fully that words are mightier than a sword, I can only try to do my best, but I know it's impossible for me to gauge what others might think about it.
After all, I remember one time in my past when I gave a SINCERE compliment to a friend, but she took it the wrong way. I had to explain to her again that I meant what I said, but still it was something inside her that made it unable to accept my compliment as is. If even a compliment can be misunderstood, how much more so can it happen to simple opinions.
The more I browse through blogs and articles, the more I realize that I have to try not to take things too seriously 'coz after all we have our own "glasses" when we read/hear things that might alter what we think we read/hear - the contrary of what the author/speaker wants to convey.
On a lighter note, let me share this lovely duet...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
It's Just Life
Dunno why but lately I've heard a voice in myself saying to me lots of times, "It's just life." It applies to this IF journey as well as other situations in life. Even if I'm not a mother in the end, so what? That doesn't mean I'm nothing. God loves me just the way I am. He knows the number of hair on my head and He was the one who knit me inside my mom's womb.
Speaking of God, I've also had some thoughts. When things go wrong and God "doesn't seem to listen" even though we've given it our all, it may be because He wants us to surrender fully to Him instead of depending on our own power/ability/efforts.
In today's world where this motto is really loud: "You can do everything if you just do it and work hard for it", maybe God wants to tell me through infertility that: "You CAN achieve many things through ME, not through your own strengths or ability or efforts."
However, I'm not expecting God's miracle anymore in terms of infertility. It doesn't really matter anymore. He's created MANY more wonderful miracles on earth that I can enjoy and I can share with others these beauties through photos and videos.
I took some pics today while riding my bike from work to my place. It was -21'C and the sky was so lovely that I had to take pics with my mobile (thank GOD for technology!!!)
First pic: look at the ends of my hair! I had ridden my bike for around 10 minutes, though I had stopped a few times before I took this pic in order to take some sky pics.
Two pics of the lovely sky...
Speaking of God, I've also had some thoughts. When things go wrong and God "doesn't seem to listen" even though we've given it our all, it may be because He wants us to surrender fully to Him instead of depending on our own power/ability/efforts.
In today's world where this motto is really loud: "You can do everything if you just do it and work hard for it", maybe God wants to tell me through infertility that: "You CAN achieve many things through ME, not through your own strengths or ability or efforts."
However, I'm not expecting God's miracle anymore in terms of infertility. It doesn't really matter anymore. He's created MANY more wonderful miracles on earth that I can enjoy and I can share with others these beauties through photos and videos.
I took some pics today while riding my bike from work to my place. It was -21'C and the sky was so lovely that I had to take pics with my mobile (thank GOD for technology!!!)
First pic: look at the ends of my hair! I had ridden my bike for around 10 minutes, though I had stopped a few times before I took this pic in order to take some sky pics.
Two pics of the lovely sky...
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