Been sending emails with a friend (not yet married, but has a boyfriend and is planning to get married with him someday). With all the best intention in the world (which I appreciate), she asked me if we had got checked up 'coz she knew we wanted kids and that she knew some people who tried some Chinese herbs in Indo and the herbs worked for them. She then said that she'd pray to God that we'd get a child soon.
I told her this: "Well, we've decided not to get checked up due to A, B, C (I explained to her that it was like opening Pandora's box and I explained to her a bit that even though celebrities seemed to be successful in trying different types of medication to have kids, reality states differently). Besides, by the grace of God now we're fine even with the thought that we'll never have any kids at all even though we'd welcome a child if he/she comes our way (deep inside, I wanted to explain to her the crazy rollercoaster IF, but I knew she wouldn't understand so it was just not worth it). Life is beautiful with or without kids. If you're going to pray for us, don't pray that we'll have a child ASAP, but pray that we'll accept whatever plans God has for us."
She then replied: "Yeah, you're right about accepting whatever God is planning for us. Just believe in God's timing. God knows the best for us and His timing is always perfect and He will give us what we hope for when we least expect it, in His perfect timing."
A part of me wanted to debate her: "Uh, hello? What makes you feel so sure that He's going to give us what we hope for? Are you trying to make me feel better or are you trying to convince yourself that if we hope for something so badly, God will give us in His perfect timing? Why do people think that if they want something so badly and they keep praying for it, God will give it to them?"
Instead, I replied: "Well, when it comes to kids, let's not assume that God's going to give us any. We're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids and that's that. We've also thought about adoption but it doesn't look like it's a good idea for us bla bla bla bla..."
The other month I also posted a comment in my friend's FB page 'coz her son's pictures are just SO cute. So I told her that under the latest pic of her son's and she said, "Come on then and make one!"
I said, "HA HA HA HA HA...we've been 'making one' so diligently, but no success yet."
She replied, "Well, just relax (calm down). Maybe God wants the two of you to have lots of honeymoons first."
A part of me bristled when I read it. What makes her think I'm not relaxed (calm)??? ---> yeah, I know I took it too personally 'coz logically thinking, maybe she just didn't know what to say and she wasn't insinuating that I wasn't calm - but then again it's hard to think logically when you're an IF.
Instead, I replied, "Don't worry, we're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids. Life's beautiful anyway."
THANKFULLY she didn't say anything anymore after I told her that. BUT I think I should just stop complimenting other people's babies' cuteness. Why can't they just say, "THANKS for the compliment" and leave it at that?
I understand fully the need to want to share the motherhood joy so that I can "join the club", but still it's tiring to have to answer those questions (it's hard to disregard the questions or the "invitation" to "make one" 'coz I want to correct their assumption that babies can be made that easily). So maybe I should just stop before the vicious cycle starts: thus I should stop giving baby compliments (unless towards my closest friends who know about us so well).
Showing posts with label IF World. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF World. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tiny Thumps in My Chest
A few weeks ago I found out that a certain friend had gotten pregnant again (she had been trying for this second one for a while, but finally she got pregnant). I think at that time I almost felt a tiny thump in my chest, but I definitely felt that tiny thump the other day when I found out that another friend had gotten pregnant (she's 2 years older than me - I'm 32 y.o.). After that thump, this question arose: "How come it's so easy for them but not for us?"
But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.
Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).
A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for selfish reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my "empty womb".
I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)
On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.
The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with pink skies...here are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:
But then I realized that it was totally the wrong question to ask 'coz it would simply open up the Pandora box that's filled with other questions that would be impossible to answer.
Thankfully no other questions popped up, but I did feel a tad of sadness due to my "empty womb". I feel happy for my friends, but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to us, even though we've "given up" (read: not actively TTC anymore).
A close friend of mine is going to TTC next year and for selfish reasons, I just hope that she gets pregnant easily. Why? So I can get it over with: having to congratulate her and feeling whatever I may be feeling (hopefully nothing too bad) when the time comes. So for very selfish reasons, the sooner she gets pregnant, the better for me 'coz I'll then be able to move on after feeling another wave of grief over my "empty womb".
I also realize even more that all these "negative emotions brought out by IF roller-coaster" aren't altogether bad at all. They really help me understand other people's similar feelings to a deeper level. They really help me understand that we're, after all, simply human beings and that just because we feel what we feel doesn't mean we're "bad people". And the other week I also found these verses that helped me embrace all the "negative emotions during IF roller-coaster":
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT)
On a different note, today I was in the mood to watch a romantic movie, so I watched "The Holiday" again and I enjoyed crying my eyes out (probably just hormones!!!), but it feels GREAT to cry over a movie while it lasts 'coz it's not real life. You feel glad after crying your eyes out and go back to real life.
The wintery scenes in the movie make me feel thankful for living in a beautiful place with pink skies...here are some pics of the lovely pink skies of Lapland, Finland:
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Misconception
When I first started having baby fever (around the 2nd month of TTC back in 2008) and when the baby fever started going stronger and stronger, I shared about it with my closest friends. Having known me for at least 15 years, they know my character very well.
After a year had passed by and then we were officially into the "infertile" group, I started browsing for many online sources on infertility and I read so many infertility blogs 'coz I felt alienated in my turmoil. I shared my findings with my closest friends and a few months after I began sharing my findings with them, one of them told me this, "You know, when you first started having your baby fever, at first my thought was 'Oh no, here she goes again' 'coz I thought you were just being you. That's the Amel I've known. BUT after reading your stories about how many other women out there who've experienced what you've experienced in terms of the turmoils you felt and how crazy it looked to me, I began to understand that it's a common theme in many people who are actively TTC."
I have to admit that I was rather stunned when I read her sentences, but I understand why she wrote those words 'coz I AM an intense person in many ways compared to my closest friends. I LOVE planning way ahead of time and anticipating things (esp. good things). When I got back to Indo in October 2008, I deliberately bought bigger sized pants and the type of tops that would fit me even if I got pregnant soon. I told my friends about this and thus they must have thought that it must've happened 'coz I was who I was (the intense planner). But now I realize that other people also do this in anticipation of their upcoming pregnancies.
Well, after a year passed by, when I was really down and out, I CURSED myself for having bought those oversized clothes. I was really angry and disappointed, but now I don't feel that way anymore, though I'm not going to buy any oversized clothing anymore.
Anyway, enough rambling. In a way, I also feel that I don't really belong in the IF world 'coz of these reasons:
a. We've not tried any treatment and we've decided not to pursue any kind of treatment, though that doesn't mean we'll stop trying naturally (although it's not really actively TTC 'coz we've stopped timed sex months and months ago).
b. I've never got pregnant and thus I've never experienced any miscarriage, so I can't really relate to those who've experienced that.
c. Menopause is still far away, so I can't really say that I have accepted FULLY living childless 'coz God knows if He's going to give us kids later on before menopause comes or not. And until menopause comes, I don't think I can still keep that whisper of hope shut. But that doesn't mean that I haven't tried learning to live childless, either.
d. We've not decided on adopting yet and as time goes by, it doesn't seem more likely for us to pursue adoption.
It feels like I'm in between both worlds: the world of IFers who're still trying their hardest to get pregnant or to have a baby through adoption and the world of IFers who're "over the hills already" (those who're now living childless).
How do I feel about all this? Nothing much. Just stating the facts and just wanting to record my journey in this blog. I still feel a tug in my heart (depending on my mood and whether PMS strikes or not) whenever I see small children, but my logic's still strong when it comes to acknowledging how life's much simpler without children ('coz I can be as selfish as I can be: I can sleep late, get up later when I'm not working, we can travel and not think about anything else other than the fund, etc. etc. etc.)
P.S. It's been snowing today, but the ground temp. is still above 0'C, so the snow melts right away. Can't wait till snow stays on the ground, making everything looks brighter. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snowwww...
After a year had passed by and then we were officially into the "infertile" group, I started browsing for many online sources on infertility and I read so many infertility blogs 'coz I felt alienated in my turmoil. I shared my findings with my closest friends and a few months after I began sharing my findings with them, one of them told me this, "You know, when you first started having your baby fever, at first my thought was 'Oh no, here she goes again' 'coz I thought you were just being you. That's the Amel I've known. BUT after reading your stories about how many other women out there who've experienced what you've experienced in terms of the turmoils you felt and how crazy it looked to me, I began to understand that it's a common theme in many people who are actively TTC."
I have to admit that I was rather stunned when I read her sentences, but I understand why she wrote those words 'coz I AM an intense person in many ways compared to my closest friends. I LOVE planning way ahead of time and anticipating things (esp. good things). When I got back to Indo in October 2008, I deliberately bought bigger sized pants and the type of tops that would fit me even if I got pregnant soon. I told my friends about this and thus they must have thought that it must've happened 'coz I was who I was (the intense planner). But now I realize that other people also do this in anticipation of their upcoming pregnancies.
Well, after a year passed by, when I was really down and out, I CURSED myself for having bought those oversized clothes. I was really angry and disappointed, but now I don't feel that way anymore, though I'm not going to buy any oversized clothing anymore.
Anyway, enough rambling. In a way, I also feel that I don't really belong in the IF world 'coz of these reasons:
a. We've not tried any treatment and we've decided not to pursue any kind of treatment, though that doesn't mean we'll stop trying naturally (although it's not really actively TTC 'coz we've stopped timed sex months and months ago).
b. I've never got pregnant and thus I've never experienced any miscarriage, so I can't really relate to those who've experienced that.
c. Menopause is still far away, so I can't really say that I have accepted FULLY living childless 'coz God knows if He's going to give us kids later on before menopause comes or not. And until menopause comes, I don't think I can still keep that whisper of hope shut. But that doesn't mean that I haven't tried learning to live childless, either.
d. We've not decided on adopting yet and as time goes by, it doesn't seem more likely for us to pursue adoption.
It feels like I'm in between both worlds: the world of IFers who're still trying their hardest to get pregnant or to have a baby through adoption and the world of IFers who're "over the hills already" (those who're now living childless).
How do I feel about all this? Nothing much. Just stating the facts and just wanting to record my journey in this blog. I still feel a tug in my heart (depending on my mood and whether PMS strikes or not) whenever I see small children, but my logic's still strong when it comes to acknowledging how life's much simpler without children ('coz I can be as selfish as I can be: I can sleep late, get up later when I'm not working, we can travel and not think about anything else other than the fund, etc. etc. etc.)
P.S. It's been snowing today, but the ground temp. is still above 0'C, so the snow melts right away. Can't wait till snow stays on the ground, making everything looks brighter. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snowwww...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The World of IF
Had this thought the other day: "The world of IF to others who aren't in it or who have never been in it must've felt like being told about the synopsis of a VERY thick book (or a very long, winding movie) written in a foreign, weird language. The book itself must seem to have such a strange plot and theme that makes it SO hard for them to digest 'coz they only get a glimpse of the it. Thus it's common to hear classic responses or assvices whenever we share our stories to them."
I remember after I've shared some of my ups and downs to my closest friends in emails, one of them admitted that before I had told them about my innermost battles, she had NO clue about this IF world and she was sure that others who never knew or heard about this world also had NO clue and that made them say "the wrong words" to us. She also told me that even after everything I told her, this IF world is still largely unknown, bizarre, too dark to comprehend at times.
I TRULY appreciate her words 'coz they've opened up my mind even more to those who have NEVER even heard anything about this IF world and how crazy it can be to us who are in it. I'm thankful to have close friends who try to understand and who asked me what kind of support I wanted to have (what kind of words I wanted to hear to make me feel supported by them). Though they can't really understand me fully, at least I know they're there for me whenever I need them.
glitter-graphics.com
I remember after I've shared some of my ups and downs to my closest friends in emails, one of them admitted that before I had told them about my innermost battles, she had NO clue about this IF world and she was sure that others who never knew or heard about this world also had NO clue and that made them say "the wrong words" to us. She also told me that even after everything I told her, this IF world is still largely unknown, bizarre, too dark to comprehend at times.
I TRULY appreciate her words 'coz they've opened up my mind even more to those who have NEVER even heard anything about this IF world and how crazy it can be to us who are in it. I'm thankful to have close friends who try to understand and who asked me what kind of support I wanted to have (what kind of words I wanted to hear to make me feel supported by them). Though they can't really understand me fully, at least I know they're there for me whenever I need them.
glitter-graphics.com
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