Other Lessons That IF Has Taught Me

The list below is a long overdue post that I've written halfway through many months ago...I've been busy in Gateway Women Google+ community for women who are childless by circumstance and I've enjoyed myself there. It's nice to know that there are so many supportive women who understand my journey and it's nice to know that I can support many women there because of the childless link among us. It feels GOOD to be in my "own tribe" so to speak, so lately I've shared some things that I usually share in this blog in that community instead. 

Anyway, there are several SUPER TOUGH lessons that I'd like to record here in this blog that infertility has been teaching me:

1. To focus on someone else's happiness when you feel like you're transported to a place of pain: in front of rows and rows of your buried dreams.

I think in the beginning of my IF journey, it was practically impossible to do so 'coz my wounds were still bleeding profusely and the pain was too much to bear sometimes. Nowadays it's "easier" to do it, though that doesn't mean I'm not affected at all. I find that I'm most affected during PMS as well as when I feel that there've been too many reminders of this broken dream around me - that's high time for me to step back and take good care of myself.

2. To channel and work on the grief somewhere else (esp. if the person involved is important and you don't want to rain on their parade). I found that this is more difficult than #1, especially if you're in regular contact with that said person and because the said person is important to you, it's tough not to share your vulnerable moments with them, but then again you don't want them to feel bad about you that they stop sharing their good moments with you. 

3. To know when to shut up, to refrain myself from saying something unnecessary that is potentially hurtful, to choose my words more carefully to the best of my ability whenever people open up to me about their pains and struggles. I want to master the art of comfort in, dump out. 

I find that at times when I feel uncomfortable when I'm facing someone else's pain or struggles that I find hard to relate to, it's easy to say all the wrong things simply because I feel helpless. 

4. To let go if despite my best efforts I end up hurting someone anyway. Sincerely say sorry, let go, and start all over again. 

Words Do Matter

I've been exchanging emails with a friend who's had two miscarriages in the past (not the friend that I mentioned in my previous posts that triggered my need for closure - hence the birth of "Funeral of a Dream" - pun intended). Anyway, this woman is currently pregnant again and thankfully it seems that they're both doing OK this time (already in the third trimester now).

The other day she wrote me an email again with an additional post script: "You know, I've been wondering how much I should share my excitement over this pregnancy with you. I just want to make sure I'm not causing you some pain or discomfort. I can only imagine how tough it is for you during your IF journey."

My heart melted when reading her words. The fact that she cares only makes me want to hear more about her pregnancy and baby stories later on in the future.

Words can make or break someone. I hope that I'd be wise with my words wherever I am - not holding back compliments, not being brutally honest, but being compassionate and being able to spread words of encouragement whenever needed. But in cases that I fail to do so, I should learn to forgive myself and just try to do my best next time. May God help me! 


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God's Timing: Rant Rant

Been sending emails with a friend (not yet married, but has a boyfriend and is planning to get married with him someday). With all the best intention in the world (which I appreciate), she asked me if we had got checked up 'coz she knew we wanted kids and that she knew some people who tried some Chinese herbs in Indo and the herbs worked for them. She then said that she'd pray to God that we'd get a child soon.

I told her this: "Well, we've decided not to get checked up due to A, B, C (I explained to her that it was like opening Pandora's box and I explained to her a bit that even though celebrities seemed to be successful in trying different types of medication to have kids, reality states differently). Besides, by the grace of God now we're fine even with the thought that we'll never have any kids at all even though we'd welcome a child if he/she comes our way (deep inside, I wanted to explain to her the crazy rollercoaster IF, but I knew she wouldn't understand so it was just not worth it). Life is beautiful with or without kids. If you're going to pray for us, don't pray that we'll have a child ASAP, but pray that we'll accept whatever plans God has for us."

She then replied: "Yeah, you're right about accepting whatever God is planning for us. Just believe in God's timing. God knows the best for us and His timing is always perfect and He will give us what we hope for when we least expect it, in His perfect timing."

A part of me wanted to debate her: "Uh, hello? What makes you feel so sure that He's going to give us what we hope for? Are you trying to make me feel better or are you trying to convince yourself that if we hope for something so badly, God will give us in His perfect timing? Why do people think that if they want something so badly and they keep praying for it, God will give it to them?"

Instead, I replied: "Well, when it comes to kids, let's not assume that God's going to give us any. We're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids and that's that. We've also thought about adoption but it doesn't look like it's a good idea for us bla bla bla bla..."

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The other month I also posted a comment in my friend's FB page 'coz her son's pictures are just SO cute. So I told her that under the latest pic of her son's and she said, "Come on then and make one!"

I said, "HA HA HA HA HA...we've been 'making one' so diligently, but no success yet."

She replied, "Well, just relax (calm down). Maybe God wants the two of you to have lots of honeymoons first."

A part of me bristled when I read it. What makes her think I'm not relaxed (calm)??? ---> yeah, I know I took it too personally 'coz logically thinking, maybe she just didn't know what to say and she wasn't insinuating that I wasn't calm - but then again it's hard to think logically when you're an IF.

Instead, I replied, "Don't worry, we're OK even if God doesn't give us any kids. Life's beautiful anyway."

THANKFULLY she didn't say anything anymore after I told her that. BUT I think I should just stop complimenting other people's babies' cuteness. Why can't they just say, "THANKS for the compliment" and leave it at that?

I understand fully the need to want to share the motherhood joy so that I can "join the club", but still it's tiring to have to answer those questions (it's hard to disregard the questions or the "invitation" to "make one" 'coz I want to correct their assumption that babies can be made that easily). So maybe I should just stop before the vicious cycle starts: thus I should stop giving baby compliments (unless towards my closest friends who know about us so well).

Thought of the Day

You can never please everybody.

No matter how hard you try to be "politically correct" or to avoid hurting anybody with your words (or texts), it's almost impossible to know what impact your words (or texts) would have on everybody. So, even though I know and understand fully that words are mightier than a sword, I can only try to do my best, but I know it's impossible for me to gauge what others might think about it.

After all, I remember one time in my past when I gave a SINCERE compliment to a friend, but she took it the wrong way. I had to explain to her again that I meant what I said, but still it was something inside her that made it unable to accept my compliment as is. If even a compliment can be misunderstood, how much more so can it happen to simple opinions.

The more I browse through blogs and articles, the more I realize that I have to try not to take things too seriously 'coz after all we have our own "glasses" when we read/hear things that might alter what we think we read/hear - the contrary of what the author/speaker wants to convey.

On a lighter note, let me share this lovely duet...

The Power of Words

The other day I browsed through a Finnish forum on infertility 'coz I thought I'd also learn some Finnish that way. I found similar themes and expressions just like the kind of things I read in English IF blog posts.

However, there was one thing that really reminded me of the power of words. In one particular discussion, this person that started it was simply letting out some steam by writing about her jealousy and bitterness when she saw other women's bulging bellies.

Many other IFers empathized with this woman and they could relate to her, but there was one IFer who wrote something like this: "I've been infertile all my life, but I never experience that kind of bitterness and jealousy. I think that if you feel that bitter and jealous, you're not a good mother material anyway, so it's good that you don't have kids."

I don't understand why some people can write something like that, especially if they're having the same problem. Even if she didn't feel bitterness or jealousy didn't give her the right to say such a thing to ANYONE IMHO.

I honestly think that even if there are plenty of negative, dark emotions when dealing with IF, it's also a very valuable experience 'coz I get to personally feel what I might not have been able to fathom otherwise. Hopefully by having felt this mixture of emotions, I'll then be able to empathize with others even more when they experience a similar wave of emotion and at least make them feel that they're not alone and that they can survive through the ugliness.

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