A conversation online with someone made me realize about this shift. After the conversation, for a brief second this thought appeared, "Woah! I'm not so sure I'm as good as you think I am, you know?"
That thought was followed by the fear of disappointing that person, but a second later, I was surprised when another thought butted in: "But you know what, if you happen to disappoint in the end, you're only human anyway. If that person can't accept that and then decides to stop keeping in touch with you, then there's nothing else that you can do about it."
I don't think I've ever felt that way before. In the past, if I felt that other people have too high an opinion of myself, I would feel burdened and then I would do my best not to disappoint that person while at the back of my mind there was always a tiny bit of fear of disappointing him/her (which was kinda tiring). There were also occasions when I'd even try to keep some space from that person to avoid disappointing him/her, because I remember disappointing one teacher in High School and that memory haunted me for years.
Dare I even say that this is another new thing that infertility has taught me? :-D That all those repeated lessons on letting go has a wider effect than I could even begin to understand? We shall see.
After all, I get to disappoint my parents and in-laws by not being able to produce any grandchildren and for some period of time I felt guilty because of that, but I've made peace with it now and I don't feel burdened anymore by the fact that I can't give them any grandchildren. Anyhow, I'd like to record this here so that I don't forget about it. :-)
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I think infertility teaches us to accept our flaws, and to make peace with them. And this doesn't stop with our bodies, but teaches us also to make peace with our emotional or other failings too. And for one, I am very pleased about this. It has made me feel more compassion towards myself, helped me relax and feel more contented, and ultimately, I am truer to who I am. So I am thrilled you are finding this too. It brings a real freedom to our lives. (In my opinion, at least).
ReplyDeleteTrue, Mali, I felt so much lighter last night after writing this. In the past I think I had so much expectations of myself and it was much easier for me to blame myself for many things over and over again.
DeleteI know that moving to Finland has also helped me in this matter because I had to learn many things from zero and I did make so many mistakes, but infertility has taken it to a whole different level. Having an easy-going husband has also helped me in making peace with myself.
I like what you wrote about real freedom to our lives. I'm going to mull it over. :-) But it does feel nice not feeling any burden over things I can't control (like someone else's expectation of me).
I think it is a bit different for me, due to growing up deaf. I hae already disappointed family since I was a child. So I had not bothered trying to NOT disappoint them, if that makes sense. I have already let go of that a long long time ago. What is hard is trying NOT to disappoint myself, and so lately I find it easier not to have high expectations. Letting go is the term I am looking for, Amel.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS for sharing your POV, Julie. Very poignant and enlightening for me. It must have been hard to feel that way since a young age. (((HUGS)))
DeleteI think in many ways I never felt like I had disappointed my family (they never pushed me to be this or that, never had too high expectations, didn't criticize me) EXCEPT when we found out we were infertiles.
So it was a bitter pill to swallow, because I felt that having children wasn't such a high expectation from me and my parents and in-laws, but then again it is something we can't control no matter how much I know our having children will make both sets of parents happy. So it was freeing to release myself from their and my own expectations. I think it also helped to write that long letter to my mom in terms of making peace with it (I had also sent an email to my MIL explaining about not being able to give her any grandchildren and she's been supportive).
Glad to hear you've found it easier to let go. :-) I'm excited about learning more what else I need to learn in this journey. :-) I feel that my feet (heart and soul) get lighter as time goes by. :-)