I've been staying as far away as possible from FB for a while. I had been feeling low before the Paris attacks. After the Paris attacks, though, it got worse as I couldn't help reading some random FB discussions/wall posts convos. PMS didn't help, either. The lowest point was when I asked God, "God, I don't understand why You still love us. If I were You, I'd have destroyed the entire world many times over."
Yep, no gratitude whatsoever. Just confusion, anger, disappointment, and frustration. I had a hard time sleeping well at nights and my thoughts and feelings were all muddled. I was disappointed at some of the things people have written in FB, but mainly I was disappointed being human. I wanted to stop being human, if that makes any sense at all. I felt like what should have been talked about privately shouldn't have spilled outside in public places like FB as it only produce more reactions instead of healthy discussions. I felt that people should have just shut up instead of posting things that may only provoke other people.
All those random things that I read in FB made me feel like I was surrounded by so many mirrors, each reflecting my dark sides that had been lurking in the back, threatening to swallow me up whole. It was very disturbing to be made very aware of those sides that dwell inside of me, because all I wanted to do was to close my eyes and stay the hell away from those mirrors or break those mirrors altogether.
Reading Ecclesiastes comforted me somehow. I wasn't the only one who felt like everything we did was like chasing the wind, yet for days my brain was still muddled. Yesterday I finally found a clarifying moment. What disturbed me the most was knowing that I could have been one of those people who fussed over nothing amidst a tragedy (for example why one puts up/doesn't put up a tricolor profile photo), who posted reactive texts instead of discussing my thoughts/feelings in private, who shared stuff without thinking/checking twice, etc.
You see, if I read about what a psychopath has done (for example), I feel that there's a huge emotional distance
between what that person is capable of doing with what I am capable of
doing, but what about the emotional distance between me and those people in FB? Well, the distance between us was way too close. I get
where they were coming from. I could have easily done similar things. I
have been guilty of similar things.
A few nights ago, I had a dream where I
had been attacked. All I remember from that scene was that I was
standing up, still alive, looking like Frankenstein. Lots of cuts and
bruises ALL over me (including my face) and stitch marks all over. Yep, my dream was very much in line with my inner world. But you know what? I was still alive. That was the part that I held on to. I'm still alive. I still have a lot of inner work to do, but may I learn how to be wise with my words and actions...
After we had decided to surrender to life without kids, at first I was worried that I wouldn't be taken seriously by others who were much older than me in the IF blogosphere (esp. the CNBCers). I started having this absurd thought of wishing to be older more quickly - not that I'd really want to experience menopause ASAP, but I just wanted to be "old enough" to "belong" in the CNBC community. The wish appeared and disappeared depending on my mood, but after I felt that I was accepted, it sort of retreated to the back of my mind.
A few months ago I experienced my first BPPV episode. The symptoms included the room spinning around, dizziness, nausea, and throwing up a few times. The second time it happened a few weeks after the first episode, that same weekend we went to visit my MIL. I had told her about the first episode along with the doc's diagnosis, but this time around she asked, "Are you absolutely sure you're not preggy?" That question took my by surprise. A second or two later (still reeling with the surprise), I answered, "I'm absolutely sure that I'm not preggy." Then I started wondering if she was still wishing for a miracle to happen with us and that made me a tad sad for her...
I know that logically speaking, anything can still happen to us in other people's mind. In my mind, though, it's just impossible, because we don't even make love anymore during my fertile window, and as we all know, the fertile window is a very short time each month. In fact, it seems that I tend to avoid the fertile window altogether so as to make sure that I won't ever be preggy.
Seems like an extreme measure for someone who did try to have kids once in the past, but seriously speaking, now that we're used to the thought of life without kids, we DO enjoy being together just the two of us and now the thought of life with kids seems (again) like an intrusion to our lifestyle. Almost like the time prior TTC - the only difference is that now we have IF scars and sometimes our scars get bumped and they cause some pain. Anyway, because it's kinda crazy if I tell people that it's impossible for us to have kids 'coz we don't even make love during my fertile window (it's our business, not theirs!), the absurd thought resurfaced after I heard my MIL's question. How I wished I'd have reached an old enough age for people to stop thinking that it's even possible for us to be preggy anymore! Mind you, for all its worth, MIL has been a wonderful person altogether. I once sent her an email, telling her not to expect any grandchildren from us because of our infertility (the same time I told my Mom about it). I had also told her in the email that at one point I felt guilty that I couldn't give her any grandchildren. She replied the email, saying that she knew that we had suffered though we hadn't really told her anything before that...and that I shouldn't feel guilty about her at all and that I shouldn't worry about her wishes, so I should just get rid of the worry. And she's verbally told me time and time again how much she appreciates having me in her world (I suppose this is also 'coz she has no daughter and I'm rather close to her). So I'm not blaming MIL for asking the question.
Sometime last year I also told my mom about a preggy friend (only 'coz she knew the girl, so I always tell her updates on my friends that she knows and has met often) and she replied my SMS by saying, "I see. Well, keep on praying so that you'll also get preggy." This came after I had told her not to expect any grandchildren from us. I got a bit upset at that time and I replied her SMS by telling her the exact same thing that I had told her before - that we had been surrendering to life without kids and that we're fine with that.
Again I'm well aware that logically they still think that a "miracle" may just happen. It's just that knowing what I know about our bedtime activities, it makes me feel that it'd be such a waste if they still harbored some wish about a miracle for us...but then again I can't control other people's wishes, can I? It's a whole different thing if these are the wishes of strangers, but the wishes of the people you care about who care about you can rouse some conflicting emotions within you...but anyway, in the end I just have to let go again...of the things I can't control...
I just realized that I may be hitting the brake so hard as a form of self-defense mechanism in terms of this infertility journey. One person who's experienced RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) has told me that she felt numb after her second loss. It's interesting to know that sometimes we don't even realize that we're using a form of self-defense mechanism.
Sometimes the realization comes only after you talk to someone or after you read something that makes you gaze into the self-mirror and wonder why you feel something or why you don't feel anything.
I know I've always been an "extreme" person in some ways. Just wondering if I'm being so extreme again in this IF journey...it's like I'm putting a distance between myself and this IF world so that I can use more of my logic instead of my feelings. Oh well...only time will tell, I suppose. :-)
Anyhow, speaking of non-IF topics, I REALLY REALLY love Josh Krajcik's audition clip. I can watch it again and again and again and again he he he...LOVE this dude's voice and soul when he sings!
A while ago I spent time with two friends. One of them has just had an empty nest 'coz her sons have recently moved out of the house to study in the city. She said that she had then learnt to enjoy life again just with the hubby - though of course every now and then the kids come back for a visit, but still she said it was interesting to find the house "so quiet".
The other friend commented that her parents didn't seem to want to live in a house with just the two of them after their children moved out of the house. They had had plenty of foster children along the years and now that they have finally reached the age when they should retire, they opt to have a lodger.
I've just been thinking that hubby and I can be - in a twisted way - considered ourselves to be in an empty nest without actually experiencing all the things that parents do before they reach that stage. The big difference is that we don't have to go through any adjustment periods between the time when the kids are born until the time when they leave the house. We're HERE already!
That was actually an interesting thought - at least for me it is. It's like suddenly realizing, "Hey! We've been doing GREAT despite the circumstances! We don't need to wonder anymore after years of child-bearing if we can still connect with each other and if we can enjoy each other's company 'coz that's what we've been doing anyway."
Anyway, just for the sake of recording my IF journey, the other week we had a "false alarm". My menstrual cycle is normally around 32-43 days (mostly around 36-38 days), but the other week I was wondering why my period hadn't come yet and I then looked it up my menstrual calendar and realized that it was already day 44.
My period finally came on day 47, though in between day 44 and 47, I was torn amongst so many different thoughts. At first the idea of being pregnant made me excited, esp. 'coz I could then share the news with my mother and my MIL, but then after that came a barrage of FEAR...worries about how we could work out our finance if I had to stop working, worries about how on earth we can bring up sane children in this crazy world. At the end of the day, the worries and the fear triumphed more than the joy of the thought of having kids. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that I had been thinking of our future without kids, so I'm so used to that kind of family picture already.
Funnily enough, both hubby and I felt a HUGE relief when my period finally came. Strange how I could have been so "baby-obsessed" at one time and then now I'm reaching this stage where we don't think we want babies anymore. But the most important thing of all is that both hubby and I are on the same page. Feels BRILLIANT to be on the same page with him! :-D
Had this thought the other day: "The world of IF to others who aren't in it or who have never been in it must've felt like being told about the synopsis of a VERY thick book (or a very long, winding movie) written in a foreign, weird language. The book itself must seem to have such a strange plot and theme that makes it SO hard for them to digest 'coz they only get a glimpse of the it. Thus it's common to hear classic responses or assvices whenever we share our stories to them."
I remember after I've shared some of my ups and downs to my closest friends in emails, one of them admitted that before I had told them about my innermost battles, she had NO clue about this IF world and she was sure that others who never knew or heard about this world also had NO clueand that made them say "the wrong words" to us. She also told me that even after everything I told her, this IF world is still largely unknown, bizarre, too dark to comprehend at times.
I TRULYappreciate her words 'coz they've opened up my mind even more to those who have NEVER even heard anything about this IF world and how crazy it can be to us who are in it. I'm thankfulto have close friends who try to understand and who asked me what kind of support I wanted to have (what kind of words I wanted to hear to make me feel supported by them). Though they can't really understand me fully, at least I know they're there for me whenever I need them.
Well, in this post I just want to share why we aren't really sure about adoption. First of all, I think we're still hanging on to the hope of "passing our genes" to our kids and we don't know yet when we're going to let go of that hope.
Another thing that makes adoption a bit less of our option is hubby's age. 'Coz of the wonderful social benefits in Finland for mothers-to-be and parents and the fact that education is almost free for kids here, it would be (almost) impossible to find an abandoned baby here. So it means Finnish people (who want to adopt) adopt kids from abroad. I've read online that other countries have different maximum age difference requirements between the adopted baby and the adoptive parents. Hubby turns 40 next year and many countries have set the max. age differenceto be 35 years old or at the most 40 years old.
Considering the fact that it takes around 1.5 or 2 years to get an adoptive child, it means we can't get small babies (at the youngest, we'll probably get a 2-year-old)...and 'coz we're not even sure about adoption yet, the longer we wait, the less likely we are to adopt 'coz we both think it's better to adopt younger babies than older children.
So I'm not really sure if we'll ever adopt 'coz of the above reasons...
