Note: I'm really struggling in writing this post because it's so hard to translate what I'm trying to write. I feel like I'm stuttering with my words here...oh well...here goes anyway...
Infertility has made me more aware of the thread of humanity linking each one of us. In the beginning of my IF journey, when my wounds were really raw and I was bleeding inside, I felt so many different types of emotions and each time my period started, a new wave of grief washed over me even before I had finished processing the previous one. It was total chaos.
Whenever total chaos reigned, I felt ugly inside and there was a voice within me that made me feel that I didn't deserve to be a mother, but after a while I realized that there was yet another soothing voice whispering. The soothing voice was telling me that all those feelings I called ugly were there to teach me something. The whisper was barely audible in the beginning, but these days I can hear it loud and clear.
Those feelings I called ugly? Anyone else could have felt them. Why? Because each of us has different pain triggers and buttons to push. After I had felt so many emotional triggers that made me feel like I was the worst version of myself, I became more aware of the thread binding me and others.
Case in point: when I was drowned in jealousy and anger about my infertility, I flinched inside and got judgmental whenever I heard or saw someone who I felt wasn't "good enough" to be a parent. But that made me think. Am I really better than them?
And that's the whole point. I may be good at some things and bad at other things that other people are good at. What drives me crazy may be different from what drives you crazy. My strengths are different from yours and my weaknesses are different from yours. However, if any one of us is put in a situation where all our weaknesses are forced to come out, where we see so many triggers every single day, where we don't receive any or enough support, I'm not too sure that anyone would be immune to those ugly feelings.
I've heard of a mother being driven to the edge of sanity because of her child's learning problems, the lack of support, the isolation, and the judgment she gets from other people. And then I started thinking about these things in a wider scope and every time I do this mental exercise, I'm reminded again and again that we're in this together - even though our problems and crosses-to-bear and triggers are different. Not everybody will be driven to the edge of sanity and some people will get more support because of different reasons (one of which is probably because their problems are more widely recognized), but still what I'm trying to say here is that we all have the potentials to be the worst versions of ourselves.
And for me, this insight has helped me in being kinder to myself and others. Granted, every once in a while I forget about this and my judgmental side takes over because I'm only human, but these days whenever I have some ugly feelings inside me, I'm more reminded of the link between me and you instead. :-)
glitter-graphics.com
P.S. I had this funny convo the other day with hubby.
Me: "I want my Mother's Day caaaaaaaake!" (it's a joke between us, a twist of the line used in the 1982 movie Creepshow)
Hubby: "But you're not a mother."
You know what? When I heard those words, I didn't feel any pain AT ALL. In fact, I didn't feel anything. It was just as though he had said to me, "But you're not a tree." WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! What a great feeling!
But anyway, in order to continue the joke, I replied, "Awww shucks...that hurts!"
And he said, "That means you can have your cake every single day."
I replied, "Ohhhhh that's a BRILLIANT idea!" ---> And that means if he complains that I eat too much cake, I'm gonna hold his words against him HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
The previous post about pain triggers reminded me of a conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house. Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School).
Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.
glitter-graphics.com
So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have).
I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.
I realize that I also find those triggers in unexpected, random places. For example I was browsing through a friend's old album and then I saw a pic where she was holding her baby nephew. Below the pic, another friend commented, "Mother-to-be." Mind you, she wasn't preggy at that time nor was she actually TTC yet, but when I reread that comment today, I felt a little thump on my heart. The thump that whispered, "Ah, nobody'll ever say that to me." It wasn't that painful, but it was clear enough that it was one a small pain trigger 'coz it is connected to my broken dream.
To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life. After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).
Anyway, let me end this post with some more quotes.
Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you.
- Mother Teresa, A Gift for God
Adversity introduces one to oneself.
- Unknown
"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me."
- Robert Browning Hamilton
Quotes taken from here and here
Was talking to a wise friend about our IF journeys and she told me this: "Just remember, everybody has pain triggers."
That's very true, isn't it? Her words remind me to keep things in perspective and that no matter how hard we try not to hurt others, there's bound to be something we say/post that triggers the pain in someone else's heart because we don't know the pain triggers in their lives.
I think this is made even more acute with sites like FB where people get to share many things with whomever they choose. For example: a travel extensive friend has posted lots and lots of travel photo albums, to which a mother of two young children commented, "Owwwww...I can probably only start doing that at the earliest 5 years from now."
A father with a young child replied to the comment, "Yeah, the same goes for me, too!"
And of course as IFers, we've had our own shares of pain triggers from sites like FB. Let me end this post with some quotes instead...
“It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.”
- James Baldwin
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
- C. R. Strahan“
“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”
- Jim Butcher
Quote sources: here and here
