The previous post about pain triggers reminded me of a conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house. Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School).
Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.
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So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have).
I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.
I realize that I also find those triggers in unexpected, random places. For example I was browsing through a friend's old album and then I saw a pic where she was holding her baby nephew. Below the pic, another friend commented, "Mother-to-be." Mind you, she wasn't preggy at that time nor was she actually TTC yet, but when I reread that comment today, I felt a little thump on my heart. The thump that whispered, "Ah, nobody'll ever say that to me." It wasn't that painful, but it was clear enough that it was one a small pain trigger 'coz it is connected to my broken dream.
To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life. After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).
Anyway, let me end this post with some more quotes.
Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you.
- Mother Teresa, A Gift for God
Adversity introduces one to oneself.
- Unknown
"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me."
- Robert Browning Hamilton
Quotes taken from here and here
Last year started with a sad bang, which was my Dad's passing. This year started with pregnancy news from my bro's wife. I hope everything goes out fine until labour. I feel fine about the pregnancy news, though I'm not over the moon happy, but I'm happy mostly for my Mom 'coz she's been wanting to have another grandchild for a while.
Anyways, one thing I felt strongly was more relief (than when my bro had his first child). Relief 'coz it means that my parents will get more than one future generation to carry on our family name. After all, my parents only have me and my bro. And relief 'coz the next time my neighbours ask me about our offspring, I can tell them that my bro has two already and that should be more than enough LOL!!!
A few weeks ago I met a friend of mine and we talked about many topics, but we did cover the same ol' question.
Her: "So what about you? You haven't planned about babies or don't want any or are you trying?"
Me: "Errr...we did try but it didn't work out, so now we just carry on our lives without thinking about babies anymore."
Her: "But that's sad. I have a friend who tried for 12 years. They went to the doctors and they said they couldn't get pregnant naturally without going to the lab, so they decided to just give up. After they gave up, she got pregnant! Have you gone to the doctors? Do you know what's wrong with you?"
Me: "Well, first of all we didn't check ourselves up because if it was found out that there was something wrong with either one of us, then the person may feel bad about it. Plus sometimes the doctors can't even find out what's wrong and we feel that it'd be bad, as well. So we decided to just not do anything and resign to life without babies."
Her: "Oh...that's sad."
Me: "Well, I don't want to keep on staring at this empty hole created by the non-baby situation. I don't want to keep on thinking about the fact that we have no kids. I want to focus on the good things that we have and dwell upon them instead."
Her: "Ah, I understand. That's a good way of thinking."
We left it at that and then moved on to other topics. :-D
I forgot to write down about what my Mom wrote in her SMS about a few months ago. You see, I had sent her an SMS about some friends' pregnancies and MAYBE she thought that I had changed my mind - that their pregnancies had somehow make me yearn to be pregnant, because she wrote something like this: "Well, you should think positively and just keep praying so that God will grant you a pregnancy."
I was really shocked to read her words, because in the past I had clearly told her over and over again that we had surrendered to life without kids and we were not interested in trying any other means to be pregnant. So I told her again that we didn't want kids anymore and added that I had just asked hubby a few days prior about his stance on this matter and he said flat out that he didn't want kids anymore. I just wanted to make sure that he was still of the same opinion. So I hope next time I share my friends' baby/pregnancy news with my Mom, she won't write things like that anymore. Once is fine, but if she keeps writing that, I'm gonna be irritated (though knowing her, she most probably won't write such a thing again to me LOL!).
Anyhow, on a good note about us, we've booked a trip to Rome this spring. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! Can't wait! It'll be our first trip there, so we're excited to see what it looks like. :-D
Dunno where to start. I've been silent mainly because of some news I heard about a friend who's fallen ill. At first it seemed to be a regular illness, but then it was discovered to have been an autoimmune disease. This kind of news is jarring enough to make me feel like I'm at a stoplight. The world is still moving at its own pace around me, but I'm focused on the red light that may change the whole world for my friend.
After IF, I don't even dare talk about miracles to my friend. If God wills, He can erase her illness, but many times God doesn't work that way. It doesn't matter anymore why God chooses to act a certain way or why He doesn't help us the way we want Him to. What matters most is that I know He knows best and He cares and He will give enough grace and peace beyond understanding in whatever circumstances one has to face if one believes in Him and asks for it.
This is the prayer I sent to my friend....
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On another note, I've been way too busy to think too much on IF issues, except yesterday when I was browsing through cute cat pics on an FB group that I joined and then there was a photo of a lioness and its cubs and the caption read:
"Nothing more beautiful...than a mother and its babies."
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! That was just TOO much (I'm having a PMS right now)!!! The picture itself wouldn't have done any damage, but the caption wanted me to skip the photo altogether. Ugh!
Anyhow, on a happy note, I'm psyched up for Christmas 'coz I have prepared a trick for hubby HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...Can't wait to spend quality time with hubby and MIL especially. And this time this year I don't have to work on Christmas eve morning like other years, so YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!
P.S. Oh, and MIL has a bottle of Irish Cream Liquor for us. I LOVE Irish Cream liquor! HO HO HO HO HOHHHHHH...:-D
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I've been exchanging emails with a
friend who's had two miscarriages in the past (not the friend that I mentioned in my
previous posts that triggered my need for closure - hence the birth of "Funeral of a Dream" - pun intended). Anyway, this woman is currently pregnant again and
thankfully it seems that they're both doing OK this time (already in the third trimester now).
The
other day she wrote me an email again with an additional post script:
"You know, I've been wondering how much I should share my excitement
over this pregnancy with you. I just want to make sure I'm not causing
you some pain or discomfort. I can only imagine how tough it is for you
during your IF journey."
My heart melted when reading her words. The fact that she cares only makes me want to hear more about her pregnancy and baby stories later on in the future.
Words can make or break someone. I hope that I'd be wise with my words wherever I am - not holding back compliments, not being brutally honest, but being compassionate and being able to spread words of encouragement whenever needed. But in cases that I fail to do so, I should learn to forgive myself and just try to do my best next time. May God help me!
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