Yep...not going to think of the last day when I have to say goodbye to the kids at the daycare. I'm just going to believe that I'll be fine 'coz I've got so many people praying for me so that I can control my tears in front of the kids. They're "on a loan" for a short period of time only - the angels that are funny, cute, challenging, creative, smart, witty - and when it's time to part with them, it's time to part with them.
One friend of mine said that even if I could have continued my training there, I would have to part with the kids anyway at one point. She was right. Rather than focusing too much on my loss, I should just think of all the fond memories I've created with the kids. And I've been playing out those memories in my head - all those beautiful memories with them.
I've learned that it feels SO GOOD to be able to hold a child in your arms - even if that child is not your own child. Especially if that child is not your own child and he or she asks you to hold him/her in your arms. And to hear his/her laughter when I twirl them around is just such a heartwarming blessing that I never thought I could have. To have a child kiss and lick my cheeks unexpectedly...to have a child ask me to read a book...to have a child ask me to tie her hair up...to be able to have a sneak peek into a mother's life...such precious experiences.
Note to self: I shall NOT deny any sorrow or grief and I WILL let myself have enough time to grieve, but I WILL NOT let myself drown in my sorrow or grief. If I can't get out of that mud hole myself, I WILL get help.
Yeah, the stab of longing is back after I hadn't felt it in a long while. During our two-week holiday in Rhodes, I saw MANY MANY pregnant women, but at that time I still didn't feel any stab of longing. I was happy to see their bulging bellies and glowing aura. Now I know why I felt happy for them. It was 'coz I was still thinking that I could continue doing my training at the daycare once my current training contract was over. So in my mind during that holiday, I thought that I'd still have at least 4 more months with the kids at the daycare instead of only one more month left.
Now that I know I can't continue doing the training there after asking about this possibility to the employment office, I feel robbed of the joy I've had with the kids there. It's frustrating and sad to know that even though the daycare boss has given me the green light to continue helping out there, but the employment office has the final say. It's sad to know that I only have one month left with the kids and then I have to say goodbye to them.
It's frustrating to know that this has to end now that I know already all their names and their personalities and they've grown to know me better too. It's tough to let go 'coz some of them are getting more and more attached to me. Yesterday when it was time to help the kids take a nap, I wanted to cry, knowing that I only had one month left to spend with them. Sigh...
This fact made me feel that stab of longing when I saw my friend's baby picture in Facebook. When I still thought I could continue doing the training at the daycare, I could look at baby or pregnancy pics in Facebook happily, joyfully, without any stabs of longing...but I'm gonna hold on to the belief that if one door closes, another one opens or if there's no open door, there must be at least an open window. And I don't want to be the one who keeps on staring at the closed door so that I don't even realize the existence of other open doors/windows, no matter how painful it is to let go...
Letting go is so hard...I feel that I've been getting more and more lessons in terms of letting go. But then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Gotta just make the choice to accept what I can't change and be creative in the meantime.
P.S. Heaven help me so that on my last day at the daycare, I WILL NOT cry in front of the kids so that they won't feel confused. God, I'm BEGGING YOU not to let me cry in front of them!!!
I was talking to an IF friend about the fact that we had stopped "actively" trying to have a baby. She said she had also reached that point, but she still got annoyed at all the ass-vices and questions that "good intentioned" and or "nosy" people directed at her. After all, in Indo it's pretty common for people to ask questions about babies 'coz it's still "taboo" for couples to live together before marriage and when they do get married, they're "expected" to have babies soon. But then again if they get a baby "too fast", they'll also be talking about it behind their backs. Indo society is still like that.
I live in Finland and the culture here is different, so I'm rather safe from other people's questions and ass-vices. However, I'm RELUCTANT to go back to Indo now that we've been married for over 3 years 'coz when I go back there again, I'd have to deal with my IF scars again and again and again. My parents' neighbours will definitely ask me about "when are you going to have a baby?" or "still no baby yet?" and even though we're not actively TTC anymore, that doesn't mean that such a question is a welcome.
Just now I got an SMS from a friend who asked me (for the umpteenth time) when I'd get pregnant. I didn't feel the sting that I felt when he asked that question to me beforehand, so I just wrote back: "Only God knows whether I'm ever going to be a mother or not. Right now I'm helping out at a daycare and I'm happy."
Another ex-elementary school friend posted her baby's 4D ultrasound pics in Facebook and I told her that he looked like an angel. She then said, "Come on and make one quickly." I'm happy to say that I was in a good mood, so I didn't feel anything bad when I read her response. I just replied like this, "We're diligent in making it he he he..." However, if I lived in Indo and MANY MANY people kept on saying that to me, I may be bothered still. Or at least fed up.
I've been thinking about WHY those well-intentioned and nosy people's questions might still bother us, even though we've surrendered to the possibility that maybe we'll never have our own kids. Here are some answers that I've found:
1. When other people say "why don't we try this and that?", it makes us feel like there's something WRONG with our state of "surrender". It DOES make sense that they want to "help" 'coz they'd naturally assume that we want to have kids, but when we've reached that point of surrender, when they keep on asking such a question, it feels like our decision is not respected.
Reaching that decision alone has produced enough conflicting thoughts and emotions inside us, so listening to other people's questions only makes us feel defensive. Because in turn it makes us FEEL like we have to defend our decision and it's going to take a LONG time to explain to them why we've reached that decision and there's NO guarantee at all that our long and winding explanation will make understand what we've been through. So that thought alone makes us frustrated, coupled with the fact that it's not our fave topic to share with others (why we've come to that decision), esp. if they're not really close with us.
In Indo, the "easiest way" to answer this question would be, "Just keep on praying for us", but after being asked again and again and again, you'll get fed up anyway and would want to pretend not to hear that question.
2. Somehow when other people insinuate that we should do "more" to be able to conceive, it makes us feel as though we're NOT ENOUGH in society's eyes, like there's something that we need to FIX. They don't understand that just the two of us can be a complete family already, EVEN IF at first we had also shared with them that we wished to have kids.
That's all I can come up with for now...we'll see if I can find other reasons later on.
P.S. LOVE this graphic below!!! God does answer prayers in many ways, sometimes in ways that we don't like he he...
The other day had a chat with one close friend who's still single. She avoided any talk about IF 'coz she knew how badly it affected me in the past and she didn't want to see me hurt. During the chat, I managed to tell her that I was doing MUCH MUCH better now and that talking about IF wouldn't do me any harm.
She then confided that when I was down in my battle with IF, it crossed her mind that in a way, she was also "an infertile" 'coz she couldn't possibly have kids without having a hubby first. (Well, of course in reality she CAN do that if she wants to, but her Mom and family members would probably be against it.) She said that she didn't want to tell me that she also felt down thinking about her own situation when I was telling her about my IF battle 'coz she didn't want me to have any extra burden of thought other than the ones I had when I was down.
Now that I'm at this stage of almost-full surrender (read: I don't talk anymore about baby programs nor do I think of future plans involving babies, but when AF is near, I still harbor the feeling of not wanting it to come. I can also feel VERY HAPPY for other IFers who get pregnant without questioning God about anything. I've also felt OK thinking about the future without kids even to the point that I believe life'll still be as beautiful, if not more), it's clearer to me that the impact of IF is really widespread. I know at least one married close friend who felt guilty for not wanting to have kids yet when I confided to her my darkest moments when facing IF.
I have stopped feeling guilty about many things and I'm more wary now about putting unnecessary guilt on my shoulders. That doesn't mean to say that I don't care about my friends' feelings, but I hope that through my struggle, they can also find their peace - just as I have found my peace.
Talking about work, I had a very sweet moment before I went back home last Friday. Just as I was saying goodbye to all the kids, one of them ran towards me to give me a hug. Naturally I knelt down so that it would be easier for her to hug me. Upon seeing us, three other kids jumped in to give us a group hug and one of them started giggling and saying, "You can't go home, you can't go, you can't go" and the other two chimed in (giggling all the way). I almost fell down 'coz of the group hug and they wouldn't let me go for quite some time he he he he...Finally they did let me go, though...and my heart was SO full of gratitude...
I've started wondering these days who needs who more: the kids or me? Maybe now I need them more than they need me, 'coz they just melt my heart with their unexpected hugs and warmth. And it feels even better 'coz I know they have no "hidden agenda" when they give me warmth and hugs. It's just because they feel like it. Mmmmm...life is really beautiful...
Today I received some hugs from some kids at the daycare when I told them "see ya tomorrow". One of them ran towards me, so I knelt down and she "jumped" into my arms and another one followed suit. I didn't expect that, so it was a nice surprise. When another one saw what had happened, he came close and gave a quick hug, which made me topple over backward. I managed to push a small table when I toppled over due to the impact of those kids' hugs.
This incident made me feel SO warm inside, but at the same time I felt a pinch in my heart, in that hidden corner of my heart. This hidden corner echoed this thought: "It feels SO great to receive hugs from other people's kids, how much more WONDERFUL it'd be to get them from your own children!"
Gasp!!! I went to my locker and was almost crying. Dang!!! And I'm not even having my PMS 'coz I'm having my last day of menstruation today. I dread the day when my training ends at this daycare 'coz it's gonna take so much strength to be able to stop myself from crying when I have to say goodbye to these kids. Ugh...Heaven help me when that day arrives 'coz I don't want to cry in front of them - they may be confused and worried if they see me cry and then I would end up crying even more - which would make them feel even more worried! ARGH!!!!
The other day I heard from a friend about our mutual friend's 3rd miscarriage. She's 39 years old and she has a 2-year-old daughter. The first pregnancy went very well, so it was shocking to hear that she's had 3 miscarriages within a year (or even a little less than a year). I can't imagine how she feels, but I can relate to the feeling of having to mourn over and over and over again.
One thought came across my mind when I heard the news: "I'm GLAD I haven't been pregnant during the time she's been trying to have a second child." This was a rather peculiar thought IMO, as though my un-pregnancy state would somehow made her feel better.
I hope gynos can figure out what's wrong with her 'coz she didn't have any problem during her first pregnancy (and she got pregnant within 6 months already) and I still hope that she can get pregnant again and carry it full term.
About the work front: After helping out at the daycare for 2 weeks (where I don't get any salary except for some unemployment benefit from the government), I'm not sure anymore if I'm meant to be a mother to be honest. In a different way, I realize how TOUGH it is to parent a child. Although there have been WONDERFUL, heartwarming moments, there are times I'm confused as to what to do and I just hope there are guide books. I know the fact that my friends who are mothers also struggle with finding out the best ways to deal with their kids and hone their potential.
Funnily enough, that does NOT stop me from wishing that my period wouldn't come, although I didn't feel disappointed when my period did finally come.
Anyway, one other thing that came into my head after helping out at the daycare was this: "It's amazing to think of the responsibility and honour to be able to find out each child's potential and hone it." It just is. To be able to influence a child's life and help him/her bloom is a wonderful opportunity, but in order to do that, one has to understand the child first.
Today was the first day of training in a daycare. I met around 10 kids altogether, all speaking Finnish. They are 4-5 years old. It's interesting to see their different personalities even on the first day. Some are more aggressive than others, some are very shy, some are very sweet.
But that's not what I want to record here. Today I also met a fellow IF. It's the teacher in the classroom where I was helping out. She is 20 years older than me. She asked me my age at some point and then she asked whether I had kids. When I said, "Not yet" she then said that she didn't have kids, either. She's been married for 30 years without any success. She did get pregnant once, but had a miscarriage. Then she added, "But it's okay 'coz I work in a daycare and I get to meet lots of kids daily."
When I first met her and I saw how she handled the kids, I was honestly thinking that she was probably a mother with at least a few kids of her own 'coz it all looked SO natural and she really knew what to do or say to control the kids and she just knew how to soothe them...BOY was I WRONG!!!
I sincerely lit up when I heard about her story (we were talking while supervising the kids), 'coz I felt, "Ah, that woman understands how I feel 'coz she's been there!"
I must say that doing this training in a daycare brings joy to me, too, but it does also tickle a part of me that thinks: "Hmmm...I wonder how they can touch me even more deeply if they were my kids?" But gladly that question didn't open up the wormhole of other questions. I just feel happy and excited to be helping out in this place, esp. 'coz there's a very sweet boy there and one of them asked me, "Are you coming again tomorrow?" after I said goodbye when my work was done he he he...
It's amazing to feel those places inside me that those kids could touch just with their simple words or hugs or their funny actions. I've never found it elsewhere - maybe this is what IFers long for...that sugary-sweet-mushy-mushy feelings that only kids can bring about.
glitter-graphics.com
