1. The other night I suddenly remembered
something that I was planning to do if I could ever conceive.
Thankfully, it doesn't make me feel any pain or grief. On the contrary,
it makes me smile nostalgically.
You
see, my mom used to tell us many times how some elder in her family
told her to pray for her babies before they came to the world. Literally
praying for them while pushing them out. My mom remembered the advice,
so she did it while sending me and my brother off to the world. She
prayed that God would smooth out our paths and she hoped for equal
financial provision for the both of us (she didn't want one of us to be
so rich whereas the other one so poor as to induce sibling rivalry and
jealousy but she wanted us to have enough in life).
During
TTC, I always remembered this story and I was bent on sending a prayer
the way she did, though I hadn't exactly planned the content of the prayer itself, but
at least I had kept a mental note to remember to do this while pushing my baby out.
Ah, plans, plans, plans! :-) There's only so much that we can control in life.
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2. I was talking to my close friends in a group email about infertility (after a long absence of that topic) and its impact. I told them how in the past, I used to be very angry when I thought of all those children in abusive families or when I saw a pregnant woman smoking because I felt that they didn't deserve to be mothers. I added that these days I don't feel that way anymore.
One of them, being raised in a Christian family that stressed heavily on the weight of sin and the unworthiness of mankind to receive His grace and salvation, wrote that she never felt deserved to be a mother (even though she's a mother now).
That comment made me think. I wrote back, saying that I actually never felt sure that I was definitely going to be a good mother, because I had no idea what kind of child I could be dealing with. What I felt deserving at that angry period was a chance.
It's nice to talk to people and realize more things about yourself. :-)
P.S. My parents sent us to Christian
schools, but they found God much later in life, so they never really
tried to drill religious related stuff into our heads. My brother and I
found God when we were teenagers.
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3. Mother's Day is coming here and I'm feeling psyched. I've prepared a post for this community and I've done a test run on it in an online forum. Thankful for all the feedback from the ladies there because I'm also considering sharing it in FB (just that post, not my blog link). I've also prepared some gifts for my MIL and we're going to spend a day with her as usual. I wonder how it'd feel like on Mother's Day when/if my MIL passes away earlier than I do. Oh well...we shall see how it goes...
I'm also psyched for our upcoming car trip because I'm going to have my first week of summer holiday sometime this month and thankfully hubby can also take a few days off and he wants to go for a car trip (day trip), so it's EXCITING because it's rare for him to want to do something like this.
I don't drive, you see, so I can't initiate something like this. Sure we can go by bus, but it's expensive and there aren't any trains running all the way up here (a round-trip bus ticket to Rovaniemi, a city about 1.5 hours away from this village, costs €50/person and this time we're going even further south). So this year Mother's Day preparation is "swallowed up" by other stuff (in a good way) he he he he he...:-D
What a month! I had some training to do in another city, then right after that we went on our holiday. Before the training, one of the August babies was born. I had had a feeling that one of the three would be born during our holiday and my hunch was right. My brother's second son was born on our second week of holiday and the third August baby has either been born or will be born soon (read: like tonight or at the latest tomorrow).
During our holiday, I was planning to blog and blog-hop, but alas, the wifi in our hotel area wasn't that reliable, but then again it was a good excuse to have more quality time with hubby. We spent lazy hours in the comfort of our hotel room to avoid the sweltering midday heat playing Angry Birds LOL!!! We also sunbathed in the lounges and then swam a few times in the pool.
I also kept in touch with my mom 'coz I knew my brother's baby was due next week, so I wanted the update. The thing was that, in one SMS my Mom told me that on my last birthday, she sent a morning prayer like this: that if it was God's will, she hoped I could get pregnant but instead, the one getting pregnant was my SIL.
I was taken aback when I read the SMS, because I had clearly told her at least a few times that we had surrendered to life without kids and she had agreed that it was a good idea. This time I replied to her that we had been enjoying our life without kids and that we had even stopped doing it on my fertile window already and that we had been blessed with other blessings and we were thankful for those.
I told hubby that if I got pregnant without doing it with him on my fertile window, that would've definitely rocked our marriage. In my mind, the time we spent baby dancing during my fertile window for months and months of TTC = no pregnancy. The time we don't spend baby dancing during my fertile window these days = no pregnancy, correct? If the time we don't spend baby dancing these days = a pregnancy, that wouldn't be a miracle at all. But anyway, we didn't really linger on the topic 'coz it was tougher to "debate" in SMS messages, so the topic changed. Thankfully whenever something like this appeared, she never really tried to keep pushing at it and she knew when to back down.
Coincidentally speaking, another IFer friend sent me a message during our holiday. She and hubby had tried different alternative methods to get pregnant, but for the last few years (just like us), they had surrendered to the idea of life with kids. The problem is that apparently her parents kinda want to push them to try IUI. It seems that if they try IUI and then don't succeed, then they'll drop the topic 'coz IVF is just way too expensive for them.
The problem is, my friend isn't sure if they want to try. First of all, they have to think of both ways it can end: a failure or a success. After spending a few years of living life without kids and not thinking of life with kids, are they really ready to have a baby? However, if the IUI fails, are they ready to experience the emotional turbulence all over again? I just told her that I hoped she and hubby could make the best decision for the both of them and then accept whatever consequences coming out of the decision. And I hoped that she and hubby were on the same page concerning the decision.
Anyway, back to the August babies. My bro asked me to find some baby boy's names months ago and I gave him at least a dozen. Mind you, it was TOUGH to try to find out what kind of names (or meanings of the names) that the parents would love, even though he's my own brother. Anyway, turned out that the second first name was one of the names I gave him (actually it's one of the names I've liked since long ago and I did tell him so when I told him about that particular name - they do tweak it a little by adding two additional letters at the back of it, but still it feels nice to know that they do use it 'coz that was probably the only time I could contribute to a child's name in my entire life). :-D
Other than that, we've had a really relaxing two weeks in Bulgaria. We were feeling lazy this time, so we didn't really travel around to other places, even though it was possible to do so. We had two full body massages that was rather cheap, but quite satisfying. Now my challenge is to try to remember the things I need to remember at work and to remember the new things I have to do and figure out where things are at work 'coz they've changed the layout pretty drastically while I was in Bulgaria. But it sure feels nice to come back home and be able to catch up with friends and blogger friends. :-)
PMS mode here. Just read a post about a blogger friend's friend's demise and she wrote such a beautiful post on her that just made me ache inside. Life isn't as simple as ABC. There are so many people facing their own challenges or "crosses to bear" all around me and those challenges are made even more vivid whenever I get to hear some more details about them.
Lately I've been having lots of conversations related to children or actually pregnancies and babies with some friends.* One is pregnant and another one has started feeling the longing for motherhood. I was really happy when I heard about the pregnancy, but about half an hour afterwards the storm started within. I suddenly felt mellow and sad. I was uneasy 'coz I didn't know why I felt so sad (a different kind of sadness than what I experienced in the past). It wasn't that I started longing to have children again, mind you. Not that.
I actually just realized (while writing this post) that the news and the talk about pregnancy and the other friend's future TTC plan transported me face-to-face with my "dead/buried dreams". As if I were suddenly standing right in front of those rows and rows of buried dreams and I couldn't help shedding a few tears (literally just a few tears, not sobbing like crazy). I was again reminded of how many dead dreams that I had to let go of and I suppose the sight of it all kinda overwhelmed me: seeing not just the buried dream of achieving pregnancy, but also the opportunity to feel the morning sickness, to feel the baby kicking inside of me, to talk about hubby about the details of the baby room, to share the news with my friends and family, to hear their shrieks of delight upon hearing the news, to share preggy photos and USG photos, to give birth, to share baby photos, etc. etc. etc. And the list kept going on.
* Note: This is the kind of talk I want to be involved in 'coz I do care about them with all my heart. And I know they care about me with all that they've got as well.
And on another level, again I couldn't help but think how "easy" it seemed for some people to get preggy. The latest pregnancy news reminded me of my SIL's pregnancy. When I first found out about her second pregnancy, she told me that it was a surprise 'coz she said that "they weren't even so diligent in TTC" though they were trying to have one. Words like these came back to the surface every now and then. The more often I hear words like these, the closer I got to feeling that my body wasn't working the way it should have been (in the past I had not felt this at all, I think - at least I didn't really think that way).
Thankfully, though, the storm lasted only for about 6 hours (yeah, I'm slightly crazy about details LOL!). In the middle of it, I was screaming to God, "Help me, help me, help me focus on others' happiness instead of focusing on myself, pleaasssseeeeee." I also kept on remembering this verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Corinthians 12:9)
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That helped, as well as saying this mantra over and over again, "It's NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me, NOT about me". I went to bed pretty easily that night, though I must admit that it's bloody hard to try to focus on their happiness without looking back on my own history. And I couldn't help feeling "left out" - because I DO want to share the happiness by sharing my own story, but I have no story to tell except my Mom's stories about her being pregnant with us and my own childhood stories.
But I think I've done a pretty decent job in trying to focus on them and their plans for the future instead of focusing on me (I may have slipped a few times but not too many times). Actually, writing all of this has made me feel SO much lighter. :-D
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Dunno where to start. I've been silent mainly because of some news I heard about a friend who's fallen ill. At first it seemed to be a regular illness, but then it was discovered to have been an autoimmune disease. This kind of news is jarring enough to make me feel like I'm at a stoplight. The world is still moving at its own pace around me, but I'm focused on the red light that may change the whole world for my friend.
After IF, I don't even dare talk about miracles to my friend. If God wills, He can erase her illness, but many times God doesn't work that way. It doesn't matter anymore why God chooses to act a certain way or why He doesn't help us the way we want Him to. What matters most is that I know He knows best and He cares and He will give enough grace and peace beyond understanding in whatever circumstances one has to face if one believes in Him and asks for it.
This is the prayer I sent to my friend....
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On another note, I've been way too busy to think too much on IF issues, except yesterday when I was browsing through cute cat pics on an FB group that I joined and then there was a photo of a lioness and its cubs and the caption read:
"Nothing more beautiful...than a mother and its babies."
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! That was just TOO much (I'm having a PMS right now)!!! The picture itself wouldn't have done any damage, but the caption wanted me to skip the photo altogether. Ugh!
Anyhow, on a happy note, I'm psyched up for Christmas 'coz I have prepared a trick for hubby HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...Can't wait to spend quality time with hubby and MIL especially. And this time this year I don't have to work on Christmas eve morning like other years, so YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!
P.S. Oh, and MIL has a bottle of Irish Cream Liquor for us. I LOVE Irish Cream liquor! HO HO HO HO HOHHHHHH...:-D
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It is not so true that "prayer changes things" as that prayer changes me and I change things. God has so constituted things that prayer on the basis of Redemption alters the way in which a man looks at things. Prayer is not a question of altering things externally, but of working wonders in a man's disposition.~ Oswald Chambers
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I'm IN LOVE with this little girl that often comes to the store where I work with her parents. The first time I ever saw her, she immediately said "hi" to me with a smile on her face. She's obviously just started learning to speak, 'coz she can only speak "hi" and "bye". Her smile is VERY cute 'coz her milk teeth are HUGE. Whenever I smile and look at her, she'd smile back at me.
Moreover, the parents seem to love the interaction between us, so they'd encourage her to say "bye" to me whenever they've finished shopping and whenever I wave my hand and smile at her while saying, "bye", she'd do the same thing. Such a cute angel! I always feel EXCITED whenever I see them in the store he he he...
For those of you who pray, please pray for my MIL. My FIL has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago and his condition is going down rapidly. Please pray for comfort and strength to carry on. THANKS in advance for all your prayers!!!
In the meantime, let me share some winter pics from here...the other day hubby went for a pre-Xmas party with his boss and coworkers and I just LOVE technology sometimes 'coz it allowed me to send a pic along with my SMS he he he he...
Had a break from the outside world (well, as much as I could anyway) including the blogosphere and Facebook 'coz I felt so tired. I took time off from delving deep within the realms of my brain and heart and busied myself with household chores. Only after that did I start ransacking everything to get to the root of the problems of why I felt so tired and why I felt like distancing myself from other human beings (except hubby and his family).
1. The problem started with my self-defense mechanism in dealing with IF. In order to avoid disappointment, heartache, sorrow, grief, I thought of myself as a bad candidate to be a mother by thinking of some "facts": e.g. when I went to my friend's place who has a 2-year-old, I didn't cut the fruits small enough for her and I also felt so "stupid" when I went to visit my family in Indo last year and I really didn't know how to handle my brother's 13-month-old son at first (though I did learn some tips and tricks along the way). The other problem was that I didn't realize that I was using this type of self-defense mechanism.
Note: The crazy thing was that this type of self-defense mechanism worked "pretty well" when dealing with the disappointment, sorrow, and grief that IF can bring.
2. This self-defense mechanism became like a virus that spread through other aspects of my life. I belittled myself in other things, too: e.g. the fact that I don't have a career and I don't know what I want to do.
I've always been a planner (used to be a MUCH worse long-term planner, but now I've learnt to be more flexible) and I was probably born a planner (and raised up by parents who are planners), so this "idealism" backfired when I feel like a "failure" ('coz I don't even know what to do or what I want to do).
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3. Because I felt like a "failure" in the motherhood department, I wanted to compensate myself by telling myself subconsciously that I had to be the best that I could be in other areas of life (even if I can't become a mother). But I think I actually over-compensated the non-motherhood status 'coz my standards of "being the best that I could be" became much too idealistic for me to reach.
Thus, I berated myself whenever I felt reactive towards ANYONE. Whenever I felt a bad reaction or a negative thought or feeling toward anything (I read or saw) or anyone, I scolded myself. I didn't even realize this new "habit" of bullying myself until I felt that I hated every human interaction 'coz it made me feel so much negativity towards myself (which made sense considering the kind of idealism I had for myself by over-compensating the non-motherhood status).
The result of all three: I felt like crap (black and blue from all the blows I gave to myself). I felt like I was such a bad specimen of a human being.
I'm truly GRATEFUL for a friend's help for opening my eyes and making me realize the truth about false guilt and irrational guilt (if you read this, you know who you are). In the past, I had some irrational guilt, but I've never had them piled up this much before until I wanted to escape to a distant island and never be found again.
I've asked my close friends to pray for me on this matter and I've been more aware of what comes out of my mind these days and I've been able to shut the bully up even before she finishes her sentences. It feels GOOD to take control again of my own brain. So prayers DO work. :-D I feel MUCH freer now and I can interact with other people again normally.
P.S. I'm HAPPY to say that the other day I talked to my friend who's had PCOS (who had the miraculous pregnancy) and I couldn't wait to hear about her pregnancy symptoms and news about her pregnancy in general. I'm happy 'coz I didn't ask "Why, God? When? How? Where did I go wrong? etc." when talking to her or even after talking to her. Heaven help me so that I can be this way later on, esp. when someone close to me gets pregnant. ;-D Nothing's impossible for God, so HALLELUJAH!!!
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Today I was in dire need for some answers and found this video clip:
